Halloween is almost upon us, and for those of you who don't have an irrational fear of Presidents' Day, it's the scariest time of the year. This morning, we were reviewing this year's Third Annual Scream Fortress Halloween Update, and we realized that it is probably too scary. Scratch that - it's definitely too scary. This much concentrated terror would be like throwing you into the deep end of a pool... With no lifeguard on duty! [sound of lightning hitting a bat] But then, oh thank God, here comes a lifeguard. Sayyyy, he looks familiar. OH MY GOD it's Dracula! No wait, it's even worse! It's legendary Hollywood triple threat, Ethan Hawke! Acting! Directing! Writing! But not swimming! Everyone knows he can't swim! What monster would hire Ethan Hawke to be a lifeguard? Does this cursed rec center not have ANY lifeguard hiring oversight committee? IT DOES NOT! AWOOOOOOOOOOOO!