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[MsDevin92]

I dunno, I guess this is a backlash of stress or depression I was trying to escape after certain events in my life transpired brought on by the current craziness, but I'm restless and sad all the time now.

My mom is still sick, and every time it looks like she's going to get better she drops back to being a near-emergency state again. The third and most recent time they took her to the hospital, they did a spinal tap, but they said there's no problems in her spinal fluid or anything. Although that's really all they did. Each of the last times, they just sent her back with a different kind of medicine after their tests concluded she wasn't in any pain...when they tested her WHILE her pain was drugged up on morphine. GRAGH STUPID HOSPITAL PEOPLE.

Anyway, that means I'm still taking care of her. Not that I'm complaining about the task necessarily- except for when she gets pain attacks, the most I have to do is make her food and keep her temperature on the check and stuff. I still haven't much left the room she's in except for to sleep, though.
But being around her all the time keeps bringing my mind back to how worried I am about her. I don't like the thought of anything bad happening to her, and here she is in a motherload of pain that makes her cry at night. It's not like school, where I could stop bad things (AKA failing grades) by getting good grades...Or, at least, the way school used to be.

Also, because my mom's still sick, she can't work...Although I'm not sure if she would be able to anyway, because I don't know if that new place she applied to approved her for a new job. So even though my dad has been able to go back to work, money's a tiny bit tight. It means I can't really do much, because I've gotten bored or sad over the stuff available at home (no inspiration for drawing, major horrific Godzilla-sized writer's block, etc.). And the rest of the stuff I like to do usually involves cash, i.e.: trying to get Eye of the North, going to the movies, even buying Cash items from Gaia.
Even if I did have the money, I couldn't really go out anyway, because I'm the only one who can pretty much constantly monitor my mom. My brothers have been at friends' houses for the past few weeks, and now school has started for them, and my dad's working.
Speaking of my brothers and friends, they have so *crag* many and they're all awesome (I've met them whenever they come over to the house), and they always have so much fun playing games together and stuff. It kind of makes me realize how *crag* over I am in the way of a social life, which also makes me feel like an ungrateful hypocrite. I never really like spending time with people physically unless there's some sort of distraction like a game or movie or something, because I'm not comfortable around people in general. But still, when things are tough, it's nice to have someone to talk to. So far, I've only been able to talk to my aunts when they come over to help, and that was like three or four days ago or something...I usually talk to my mom, but she's sick and her condition is one of the reasons for my stress. I don't want to make her upset in addition to sick.

I would try to contact my friends and spend time with them, but one is grounded and recovering from a car accident, one's mom doesn't give her much free time to begin with, and I'm having issues with another. And they're all starting school again, too. And then there's the whole fact of the issue at home; I can't leave because of it and I can't bring my friends here. I wish I could've hung out with them before all this shit happened, but I was in the summer academic program that whole time. Basically, my summer has sucked.

And I'm restless at home because I have nothing to do, asides from trips to the store for grocery shopping when my dad's home to watch my mom. My brothers usually bring the video games over to their friends' houses, so that's a no, especially for the PS2 (I wanted to play Sly Cooper and Dragon Quest), or the PSP (although my brother erased Patapon for Crisis Core, and I have no reason to borrow it from him now). I beat two of my Guild Wars games, but I'm having a harder and harder time beating Factions because I'm upset and every time I lose makes me more stressed. I've also been trying to make some AMVs and failing.
And then I know I haven't been around here or on Gaia lately, but that's because everybody has stuff to do and isn't around as often this time of year. I also feel self-conscious about everything, which makes me ignore stuff, and I'm getting those emo-ish thoughts that my friendships are worthless because they're with people who live on the other side of a computer, AKA 'limited friendships' or something along those lines. (And I know people will get mad at me for saying that...)
I don't know, I've just been bashed so often for spending time on the computer that I'm starting to see it as a worthless, lame way to spend my already suckish life.

I also have to go back to school soon, so now I'm going to be thinking of cutting myself over every wrong math problem or something. I don't know what's worse: trying, failing, and feeling worthless about stuff I like/want/used to feel good about doing, or trying, failing, and feeling worthless that it's a big requirement in life to do, used to be important to me, and that I HAVE to do.

tl;dr

inb4BAWWWWWWWWetc.

[Mantis15]

Hope things get better for you...

[Twytch]

I'm sorry that your mom didn't improve, Devin. I've been worried about how you're handling it...

I can understand how you feel above e-friendships. Of course it's not as engaging and it's extremely limited, and I've said this a million times, buuut... I'm always here for when you want to talk about anything.

[Medikoopa]

I am really sorry that the doctors were idiots and tested her as she was drugged (which would had said she was in pain in the first place) and that she's not better.

Your brothers sound like jerks for not helping out with your mom, but I am envious of them for being able to spend weeks at friends houses, so I might be biased on that.

We're in a similiar boat regarding real friends. Except now I have no time for real friends and thus have just e-friends. I don't really care about multiplayer games all that much, as my brother killed my interest in multiplayer games with his lack of interest in playing with me (especially with pen-and-paper RPGs) and the few times he would, it usually was (well, middleschool and onward) because Will was over and they decided to play with me.

I'd say more, but I really have to go now or I might be late to the meeting. I'll see you later, Dev. Hopefully sooner. Sucks that your friends are unable to play with you, and that your brothers keep taking your fun games away.

[MsDevin92]

I'd like to request to have this, and ideally all, of my blog threads locked and/or deleted. I talked to a few people who really illuminated what was wrong with the situation, so there's no point in these little tantrums anymore.

[Twytch]