digibutter.nerr

[Abstract]

This has been bugging me for a while, and I don't know why.

When I was younger, the concept of growing up scared me. Not because of the changes in physical appearance and the addition of responsibility, but because of death.

Before anyone tries to cram the idea that fearing death is irrational into my head, please, let me kindly tell you that I damn well know that. Also, let me remind you that a PHOBIA is an irrational fear, and, I'm a bit of a thanatophobic. In other words, I fear death and dying, though they are natural and inevitable.

Anyway, the fear disappeared for many years.

Now, every night, I sit there and wonder if I'm actually living a wholesome life (which I'm not, considering the hours I spend in front of the computer screen. I intend to change this.), and if there is any real point to it.

You know what? I hope there is a point to life. Not a purpose or meaning, a point. I hope that there is a God, a Heaven, a Hell, an anything, as long as you get to live in some sort of way after it all ends. As long as you don't just sink into nonexistence.

The idea terrifies me. It really does. Death wouldn't be like going to sleep. There would be no dreams. No comfort. No cold, no black, no white, nothing at all. You would cease to exist, remembered for a while, then forgotten completely as you rot in the ground or sit in an urn.

I don't want it to end like that.

I don't care if my life ends, just let me remember who I am, let me KNOW that I'm dead. Let me retain my consciousness; my overall knowledge of my own existence.

Every night, before going to sleep, I leave my light on out of fear, all until I'm too tired to remain alert. As I lie in bed, I hope that I will be alive in the morning.

You work so damn hard in life. You work and work and work to get somewhere comfortable. You build relationships, you learn, you accomplish amazing things.

And all it takes is a simple blow to the head to end it all completely.

Everything you worked to gain, is suddenly meaningless.

That thought is awful to me.

I try so hard to believe in an afterlife, just to calm my thoughts. So damn hard. Of course, I have my doubts.

Meh, whatever. I'm rambling.

[Lord Bob]

Actually, I have the same fear, believe it or not. It kind of comes and goes for me, but I just hope there's something after death than just cold blackness.
Kinda makes you want to bring someone back from the dead to ask them what it's like, doesn't it?