digibutter.nerr

[Zelnor]

Searched through my old documents. Found lotsa stuff I wrote for the 'butt.

READ AND REVIEW PLZ. I think my style is kinda too purple.

__
PART 1 : Epilogue to a never done RP

A sharp gust of wind blew over the battlefield, howling through the pieces of debris, an unsettling shrieking noise. Paper Peach lay on the burned grey earth, eyes closed, pale, but very much still alive.

“What… happened ?”

The thought crept across her resting mind like a comet over the black night sky, sparkles flying behind. Slowly her sense of self rose from the unconsciousness. She felt her heart thumping in her chest, heard her blood pulsing through her, carrying life into every cell. The pain also awoke, a nasty throbbing all over her body, results of one too many contacts with her enemies’ brute force. With an amount of energy she was surprised to still have in her, she creaked open one eyelid. Stared into the clearing sky. And then it dawned on her.


Zelnor had been up and about for a small while. He limped slighty, and a nasty gash ran over his forehead. His cloak also had seen better days, and the constant pounding his wounds emitted made him angry, spreading the dark over his face. He wheezed, clutched at his leg, and paused. Looking around he saw his partners from Digibutter with lesser or more grave injuries, lying in several levels of waking, unconsciousness and, to his horror, not moving at all. But it was over. It had been banished into the Underwhere. All worlds were save. Including their own.
Grimacing, he stumbled forward. Only a minute after that, he saw a Koopa in a tattered silken robe sitting up and rumbling through a bag with the red cross on it. He stepped closer.

Medikoopa was horrified. The final fight had been won, yes, but most of the combatants had been badly injured – some even worse. And her equipment was not really what she would have liked. She looked around, suppressing her uprising panic. This was no time to loose control. She hadn’t been taught for naught to keep her cool even when faced with the most horrible of injuries and illnesses. Her gaze swept across every body, roughly cataloguing their respective wounds, working out a route in which to get to the patients the quickest in order of severeness of their injuries. The smell of blood and smoke filled her nostrils, the moans and cries of the wounded her ears, and for a second her fear broke loose. She hadn’t been prepared for this ! If this was Role-playing as it used to be, she would have just typed herself a stack of supplies, would have had a Medi-KoopaKopter land or found a Warp Pipe to a hospital. But this was not Role-play, it had become harsh reality. In even the most horrifying of their typed stories, they hadn’t gone so far.
“Why does this have to be real ? Why ? We saved the world, didn’t we ? So why does this have to be ? This is horrible…”
And it dawned on her that it was not their world’ privilege to house the horrors of fights, the injured, the abyss of sentient beings.
“If I ever get out of this…” she muttered, whilst the scene burned into her mind, a tangle of memories that would not dislodge itself ever again.
Suddenly, a hand tipped her on the shoulder. She wheeled about, raising her supply bag in an attempt at self-defence – and looked into Zelnors colourless face. A quick glance. No grave injuries – although that knee looked like it might get worse if strained – and a conscious helper. Another glance over the battlefield – more and more of her friends were awakening. First groans and even small gasps of shock and pain were heard, mixing with the general painful noises. Zelnor raised a hand, his face twisted in concentration for a second, the runes on his ripped robes that were not damaged glowed – and his hand was surrounded by a blurry white glow that spluttered a bit, fading in and out of existence shortly. He motioned his hand over a small gash over her eyebrow, and it started to heal, skin closing and regenerating.
“It is not much – the battle took most of my power – but I can try to help.”
He managed a little bow, twitching as another injury twanged in him. It made rather much of a mockery of the gesture. Yet still he managed a “Twilight Mage Zelnor, to your service.”
“Less pretty talking, more moving” Medikoopa yelled, already on her feet to the unlucky receiver of a deep wound in the stomach. Zelnor ran after her, preparing healing spells and sucking the last amount of magic from his body.


Ms Devin had seen better days, so much was clear. Not only had she been pulled out of her own space-time continuum, no, to make matters worse she had been transformed into a character of her own creation, powers, skills and memories inclusive, and put with a dozen people from an internet forum into the world where that forums imagination was stinking reality.
“Bloody great.“, she muttered as she walked over the battlefield.
“Why didn’t I include Deus Ex Machina super healing powers in the package ? I never thought I’d say that, but being a good roleplayer has a major disadvantage in the event that you leave YOUR OWN FREAKING HOME WORLD AND BECOME A PURPLE BLOB WITH INVISIBLE HANDS.”
The groans of the awakening fighters took a harsh toll on her – she wanted to help, but she didn’t, as she feared doing more harm then good – mere days before she had attended Health Class, had done First Aid courses with the girl scouts – distant memories, oddly unfamiliar in a brain that barely kept going on adrenaline alone. It was at that moment that the noise of footsteps reached her. She glanced over her shoulder and saw Medikoopa and that Zelnor guy jump over a pool of lava that the fight had left bubbling in the middle of the once green plain.
“OVER HERE ! WE COULD USE SOME HELP HERE !”

Minutes later, most injuries had received as much of a treatment as possible, and the fighters started walking or limping towards the crater in the center of the plain where they wanted to gather to discuss the burning question – How do we get home ?

Paper Peach joined the crowd amongst the chunks of land in the crater, and the idle chattering raised her mood. If people could talk, their injuries couldn’t be that bad – thank goodness. It was then that Medikoopa, MsDevin and Zelnor were seen climbing on an elevated once- cubical rock – which was, as she remembered, the remainder of a barrage of similarly shaped debris. She had barely managed to blast that damn rock with a bomb before evading, else she might have been a squishy stain in a rather amusing shade of pink. As she looked up to the trio on the stone, something odd stuck her about Zelnor – his outline was not clear as if she looked at the mage through a layer of fog. It was blurred and kind of smudged into the surroundings. Hadn’t he told her he needed a constant level of magic to stay stable, else he’d become a mere shadow, the legacy of his father ? Then, however, Medikoopa raised her voice.
“Guys – we have won. I can’t believe it - All worlds are save. We did it. We really did it.” A cry of triumph flew over the crater. Thousand shouts mingled into one big storm of joy as the heroes’ triumph was voiced everywhere, people hugged, cried, laughed, shouted, all at once. They had saved everything, themselves and countless others. They had won.

“Now how do we get home ?”

The question cut through the makeshift celebration, and in a split second everyone stopped jumping and shouting.

“Erm… err…”

These words were the worst thing Medikoopa could’ve said. Peach saw Zelnor step to the front.
“We don’t have the faintest idea.” She heard him say, his voice low with regret and anguish.

“You can’t be serious !”
“But we won !”
“Whoever or whatever got us here is going to put us back THIS INSTANT !”
“C’mon, you’re a magician, arn’t yeh, boy ? Can’t yeh just cast a spell or something ?”

Paper Peach, too, felt her heart sink deeper then ever before. Everything and everyone was save – but they were still far away from home, in bodies that were not theirs, with memories of lives they had made themselves – or, as she had thought so often, that maybe had made themselves.

But before anyone could raise further complaints, there was – a memory.
It was as if someone had spoken without bothering to use air as a medium. From one second to the other, everyone had the voiceless, toneless memory of someone or something - having said
“Your duty is done. You have fought bravely and well. Go home, brave heroes.”
It was then a jagged, white line appeared behind the trio on the broken stone, and is was as if the air itself had broken wide open in its middle.

A portal opened on the rock, gleaming white and shining with such utter brilliance the fighters had to cover their eyes for a second.

MsDevin wheeled about, and stared directly into the portal behind her. Her eyes wandered over the surface, scanned every centimetre – and suddenly focused as an image shimmered into view.

It was her room. She saw her furniture, her desk, the computer with a draft for a Role-play plot still on the screen. The window showed the familiar sight - the whole thing emitted a feeling of home that tugged at her heart. She took a step closer – and an image of herself, half-transparent appeared in the room. Another step. It got clearer and cleared – it was her, standing in the middle of the room, head hanging as if she was asleep whilst still standing. She raised what passed for her arm in this world, moved to touch the portal – and as her fingers approached it, it happened. A change overcame the approaching digits. It was as if a layer of paint that covered her invisible hands was slowly erased from existence – and her real finger appeared underneath. Shocked for a second, she pulled her arm back – and it returned to what passed as normal here. She turned around, glanced at the crowd – and jumped forward.


Frozenwinters let loose a loud gasp as he saw Devin jump. Time itself seemed to slow. In the second before she dived through the portal, her form blurred, faded – and underneath, the form of a girl became visible slowly, shining with the same brilliance as the portal before lunging through the surface. Soft ripples went over its surface, the image of the room solidified for a second –and the girl in the image raised her head as the image suddenly vanished. Frozenwinters pushed her way through the crowd, approaching the cube and the portal. Other did the same. As she neared the white circle, another memory appeared. “Go back, or stay – it is your choice. You will not forget – but you may be forgotten. But you do not have all time to choose.”
The fighters stopped in their tracks. They looked around and at each other – the meaning was clear. They could go back, with all memories of these events, go back to being themselves again, in a world that might never believe them a world – or stay here, where reality bent itself around ones’ will at times.
“Is that really a hard choice ?” she asked herself sarcastically - and ran into the portal. Again, seconds were stretched, the events unfolding slowly like a rather cheap special effect. Farther and farther the portal stretched, an iridescent circle, and then – it was as if Frozenwinters’ skin was but a layer of snow. With each step, fine crystals blew off her, flakes circling through the air, covering the burned earth for a second without melting as she leaped into the glowing circle. Other followed, changing in midrun, as they became their real selves again. It was only a matter of minutes, then Zelnor and Paper Peach were alone on the stone cube. The portal, in the meantime, had started to shrink, closing itself slowly but surely. “Well – I’ll see you in the forum…” Peach muttered, unsure if this still wasn’t a crazy dream.

“I don’t know”. Zelnor replied with a quiet, low tone of voice, head again low.

“WHAT ? You think about staying here ? But... what about your home ? Your family ? Your entire life ?”

“What about it ? What was I ? I was a slacker. A gifted boy who wasted his life. Good in school – or rather, hanging on to be, yet not good in life. Lazy. Weak. Bullied by his classmates, hell, even fifth graders were free to annoy me as they pleased. I don’t know if I really want to trade this…”, he opened his palm. A single piece of Twilight, transformed out of thin air, appeared over his outstretched hand. “…If I want to trade this for a life in a hard, cold, doomed world. Full of anger, hatred, fighting – doomed to be done for. This universe isn’t as set in stone as ours. You can make a difference, a big one… And my family – you heard that… voice, they’ll forget about me so-”

Zelnor’s head rocketed to the side as Paper Peach’s flat palm hit him with all the strength she could muster. The loud, meaty thud echoed amongst the walls of the now deserted crater “How DARE you consider that ! What about your parents ? Your friends ? You life, Hell, US ? You’re not the only one who has it hard ! It isn’t all sunshine, yes ! We will all die one day, yes ! SO ? I don’t know if there’s a meaning to life, a God , a heaven, whatever – but I won’t let my family down ! Even if they forgot, me, no matter how cool this place it – I will go back ! Think of your parents ! Friends ! Me ! All those people your life made a difference to until now – how would their life be would you have never been ? ” And as if it was listening, the closing portal displayed a sharp depiction of Zelnors’ home, class, family – Their living room on Christmas Eve. A campground with his classmates. A train compartment, a campground, a lake, a piece of roof under the open sky…

He took a step backwards, and the image blurred. “What shall I do there ? What can I change ? I’m of no use to that world… Lorenz is weak. Lazy, as I said. But here… I am Zelnor. I am strong, I can change. I can heal.” And the white glow again surrounded his hand – stuttered and went out. For a second, Zelnor became a shadow, loosing all material form, but then his face twisted in concentration and he became solid again. ‘His magic is running out… And the portal is closing… I don’t have time for this ! If I persuade him too long, I’m stuck here and my parents, everyone, will forget me – besides the Digibutter people, and who’s gonna believe them ?’, Paper Peach thought. She looked up, saw the idiots’ twisted face

“That wasn’t Zelnor. You made the plans. You were brave. Even in your own body, without fancy magical powers – you are Zelnor ! You are a healer. A helper. A sort of leader. Don’t do this to us. Would it really be like Zelnor, to turn his back to the real challenge ? This is like a story, and in stories the hero always chooses that path in the end… COME ON !”

He took another step back. She took a step towards the portal, which had nearly halfed in diameter. Soon, they’d be stuck… Peach glanced over her shoulder, saw her house, her family… They needed her ! That was where she belonged !

As she looked back, she let out a gasp. Zelnor had quietly snuck away, he was nearly on the edge of the crater. And the portal was nearly too small… She took a step away from it and, and lay all her strength in a cry.

“ZELNOR ! YOU RETARD !”

In a split-second he was next to her. The brilliant circle of light had nearly faded as he grabbed her shoulder and jumped into the portal. His body turned completely black. On the now completely dark shape carrying her into the shrinking dimensional gate dark grey lines marked the outlines of dozens and dozens of black rectangles… which started to loosen, the shape dissolved as the rectangles blew off like the scab of a nasty wound; staying behind, afloat in midair like the trail of a comet. Twilight. It loosened from all around the transforming mage, taking height, mass, shape – and a light glow shone from underneath. At the same time, she felt a tingle run through her own body, felt jumbled, a sort of pull behind her navel…
And then they were through the portal in a tunnel of light. Behind them, the portal closed completely. They fell onto the floor, stood up – and whirled into a flight of sorts. Both of them were only shapes of light and brilliance, between two forms, two bodies, two destinies, two worlds…

Then, they were pulled into different directions, apart. Paper Peach saw Zelnor become a blur in the distance, and then she fell into a vortex of color and sound.


With a gasp, Rebekkah jolted up. Her head was lying on the keyboard of her computer, the room was dark and the only source of light was the dim grey glow of the computer screen. She looked up, into the “Post a reply page”, and saw that there was ironically a long column of “Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…” on the screen. She sighed and went to turn the computer off – as two things caught her eye. One was the computers clock which showed that not a minute had gone – it was not the middle of the night but still 8 PM. And her inbox has a topic reply notification for the “Official Epic Digibutter Action” Topic… by Zelnor ?

She clicked on the link, and after a second of loading, a wall of text appeared on the screen.

It was a complete (albeit slightly embroidered) record of what she just had… dreamed ?
On the bottom of the page, there was a photo. It was a bit blurry and grained, and you couldn’t see the persons face – But above the outstretched hand in the picture, an awfully familiar black rectangle hovered.

END OF PART 1
--

PART 2: A review with obviously stolen style

Starting title: ZELNOR PUNCTUATION

- A quickly spoken video review with an obviously ripped off concept.

Zack and Wiki, Quest for Barbaros Treasure has been a real “yes – no – well – maybe - oh shut the hell up” - title for me. Upon first seeing the bright, cheery colors and the grinning eleven year old boy protagonist I was immediately convinced that third party game satan had just been presented to me and would rip out every last ounce of gamer soul from my body if I ever decided to let him into my console; a modus operandi quite similiar to an Uwe Boll movie. I mean, pirates, maybe, pirates with an impossible age, hmpf, pirates living in the fluffy cloud and cartoon colored kindergarten ghetto, argh. Pirates with a flying monkey robot helper thing that serves as the game’s equivalent of Navi, no *crag* way. There are some thing my money just isn’t worth, like, you guessed it, the cheap third party Wii bandwagon jump games, cloned hastily out of ten years programming garbage with some primordial Wii Controls stapled to it and thrown on the market in hope of attracting a hapless person strolling by.

Zack and Wiki isn’t one of these games.

You can imagine my surprise when I, still thinking it was a cheap third party Wii-whoring game, stumbled upon the “Buy Zack and Wiki” campaign, shot into orbit by IGN, a large, fat, serious business game website / company. After concerning myself in some little ways that it wasn’t a plot from an evil concerned douchebag parent organisation led by Jack Thompson to usurp power in the vital organs of gaming industry and replace all good games with brightly colored public service announcements, I looked further at it and Zack and Wiki clutched to me like a ReDead. Just without the sort of humping motions. Ew.
Now, after waiting four months for the game to get localized and translated, although it contains only about a third of the text of Super Paper Mario, which needed equally long, for some obscure secret reason, maybe it’s the time they need to sacrifice a couple of pork chops to the god of translation and then wash the sauce off the discs, but after these hype filled months, I could finally lay my hands onto one of its copies.

The games’ story can be compressed into this: You’re the lightly clothed chocolate addict Zack and, accompanied by your trapalicios Bridget-ty accomplice, the flying wannabe-transformer Wiki, who can morph into a tacky bell in order to transform anything too weak to fight back into some sort of tool, and you have set out on a journey to recover all the pieces of an ancient clearly evil uberpirate that promises you to give you all of his treasure and his legendary ship from fairy land if you just get him complete. I don’t even think I spoil anything if I say that the guy makes the shit hit the fan after you jigsaw him whole and uncurse him, eh?

The controls of the game are as simple as its graphics – You point the Wiimote where you want to go, then press A, and that’s how it goes for 90 % of the game. Whenever you need to hold the Wiimote in a different way, the game vomits an explanation screen at you, and if you don’t get it even then, you can always summon the Hint Oracle, which makes the games riddles cardboard obstacles at first sight – but it doesn’t. The oracle ain’t explaining the riddle, it is as cryptic as the Microsoft Windows XP Help file on Japanese. And the game isn’t afraid to let you fail in any way imaginable. So just stumbling around in the new level and clicking on things will quickly get you killed, upon which you can be revived for a Platinum Ticket from the Oracle, and if not that you will simply get yourself stuck, something that you only get explained when you summon the Oracle, too, and ask for a hint, upon which, after you sacrificed an Oracle Doll, you get told “Congratulations, smarty pants, you *crag* it up.”, and have to restart. Even worse, the Oracle Dolls and Platinum ticket prices have a constant inflation to them and start skyrocketing after each purchase. The games’ difficulty level is best described in a graphic as an M. C. Escher painting redrawn by a Parkinson victim on Speed. After some time in a level with only three statues and a crank to solve the riddle I had died about five times and still stubbornly refused to restart or ask the Oracle, and I started to enjoy seeing Zack get crushed by the enormous boulder. The game has many, many ways to die and they are painfully illustrated – except without any flying guts and blood of course. No matter on how many footlong spikes you fall, Zack will just look knocked out, with a spike sticking so far up his ass that it has probably skewered his brain. Is it any wonder children have some seriously twisted views of the world these days ?

But enough with the ranting, back to cold hard reviewing.

The graphics are cute, colourful and kiddy, and I can’t help but suspect that this was done solely to distract you and get your attention span away from the puzzles. I mean, it takes an inkling of concentration to get the idea to pull the lever twice to get the Dragons’ Tooth, then use it to activate a statue, shoot the spiders, transform them and the use the tools that form to – LOOK ! A COLORFUL BUTTERFLY ! Pow, Ouch, Pshhhhw, Dead.

Coming to the characters – They are kinda shallow. When meeting them first in a cutscene, you’ll get a bit on info in a popup biography, and that’s about it. They are somewhat adorable and you can get along with them, and they have little quirks that put them over the masses of generic goons – Oh, did I forget to mention that ? The first your rival, then your allie other pirate band consists of the leader woman and underlings that even the game itself describes as Goon #1 - # 11, a piece of Lampshade Hanging that I found quite enjoyable. – well, except for the goons I just mentioned, the characters are unique enough. I especially found the comments of your companion Wiki amusing at a time – When you fall to your possible doom from the plane, after you found an old umbrella, open it, and float against all laws of physics and material strength, he does not only tell you that he’s glad he won’t have to mop away your splattered remains, he also tutorials you on how to throw away what you’re holding ,sending you plummeting down once more. Thank you, Wiki.

The story is more a side-effect of playing the game then a vital part of it – On your tutorial plain cruise, you get shot down by your rivals, have to go through the umbrella parachuting tutorial as stated above, land on a conveniently placed piece of floating rock under a waterfall and have to escape from there before the river spits the wrecked plane at you, which you accomplish by just pushing a tree, transforming what comes out of it, cutting down the tree, going over, and – TADA ! A conveniently placed treasure chest with the only part of Barbaros capable of speaking and telling you where to look for the rest. At times like those, I wonder how far my willing suspension of disbelief can actually stretch. Anyway, from then on the difficulty curve drunkenly stumbles around, ranging from this one – two –three and done level in the end to you escaping from a black hole in a dimensionally inadequate outer space inside the earth in an epic ancient egyptian flying ship from an equally ancient an egyptian giant robot crocodile. WTF indeed.

To put it all together -
The puzzles are long and tricky and will you either get to go on a frustrated rampage or get you glued to the screen in sheer determination not to let the game laugh at you. The graphics are distractingly good and realistic enough for me, but I’m mostly focused on the puzzles, the characters are not too generic, the ending made me cry at least as much as Mother 3s (and contains a Bridget Surprise, at least for me.), the music is adventurous and fun, going to more then just some BGM, and the game will take huge chunks out of your spare time and nerves, except if you’re a cheating bastard like me and quickly go over some of the more WTF ish levels, a copy of a walkthrough from GameFAQs in Hand and thinking “FAQ you”.

END OF PART 2
--

PART 3: MSN Conversation with Gumshoe / Mantis

And so the enormous party defeated the gay robot

Edgeworth died of blood loss the same day.
Gumshoe was found amongst the debris, got his old job back and was promptly fired for being dusty.
Detective Gumshoe sagt:
Fransizka opened her own BDSM club
Zelnor, Church Militant sagt:
Phoenix married his hair and has seven children
They have opened their own chain of hair salons
Their wet gels sell like hotcakes.
Pearls was *cragged* in an alleyway.
There was a cue at its opening.
She then sued and is now rich.
Detective Gumshoe sagt:
Mia Fey became an employee at Fransizka's BDSM club with her BUSTY GLORY
Zelnor, Church Militant sagt:
Ami Fey's Soul finally moved the damn couch in the jar.
Sadly it shattered again.
She now floats over the dust and calls for pizza.
Detective Gumshoe sagt:
Cody is still a Steel Samurai nerd and got *cragged* at the BDSM club
Zelnor, Church Militant sagt:
However, he ate his rapists.
So now he is banned.
Manfred von Karma escaped from prison after head-banging through the walls.
Nobody knows where he went, but it's probably somewhere with hookers.
Detective Gumshoe sagt:
Maya Fey opened a burger joint called "LOLCAT Burgers"
Zelnor, Church Militant sagt:
mmm
Winston Payne made himself a toupet form crotch hair
He became an internet celebrity at an instant.
Detective Gumshoe sagt:
Luke Atmey de-formed from Detective Gumshoe
He's still an ass that says "Zvarri!"
Zelnor, Church Militant sagt:
He was promptly burned at the stake for
exactly that reason
ARGH
I put four menthol eucalyptus things in my water bottle
IT TASTES LIKE AGONY
Detective Gumshoe sagt:
LOL
Zelnor, Church Militant sagt:
Mia Feys boobs became so big, they developed sentience.
They often advise Mia on the stock market.
Detective Gumshoe sagt:
and for lottery and other gambling activities
Zelnor, Church Militant sagt:
Maggey Byrde was run over by a donkey.
She resurrected as a Zombie instantly, only to be exorcised by the only holy meteor in existence, which hit her on the head
Detective Gumshoe sagt:
Detective Gumshoe then killed himself over the loss of Maggy
Zelnor, Church Militant sagt:
The Magatama became a Horcrux.
Zelnor, Church Militant sagt:
Klavier opened a gay bar in Franziskas BDSM club
His appletinis sell like crazy

END OF PART 3
--

PART 4: High-Technical Grand Hotel Arcade Bitlands Lounge (I even drew blueprints. )

High-Technical Grand Hotel Arcade Bitlands Lounge

Prologue - Part 1


>MeowPatrol Report
>Unit No. 1-252-36-X
>Sector FORT_01-TOWER02
>Occurances: 1
>Specification: Loud Noise/Scream
>Recording: 12_02_08-08:55
>Playing…

“NOOOOOOOO !”

The cry that had earlier startled the MeowPatrols rang out in perfect Shroomy Surround through Computer Room 2. Francis sat in front of the huge screen in an ergonomic chair, and wanted to be somewhere else. So it had been true.
He was nearly bankrupt.


The day had started like any other – He’d woken up, had the MeowNeko massage him, had strolled into the bath and applied a light spray of Eau de Twygz after he finished showering, putting on one of about a hundred joke t-shirts the MeowMaids had just finished ironing, ate some DimentiOs for breakfast and went to check on his multimillion coins internet emporium to find that it’d broken down.
“Are you sure ?” he asked, for the millionth time, the computer. The AI in it had cost him another fat chunk of coins, and he’d spent days carefully modding it so it displayed Neko-hime without any flickering. Looking aside, he looked at the heaps of LEDs, emitters and other technological items on his workbench. He’d tried building a holographic emitter to let Neko-hime show herself in the whole fort, but he couldn’t get enough power. Now, one of Francis hands ((Do lizards even have hands ?)) was now grasping the casing, seeking solace in the perfect imitation of a TEC-XX model.

>Yes, master. The enormous rush for Portal-related merchandise, such as Weighted
>Companion Cube Plushies, Weighted Companion Cube Underwear, Combustible Weighted
>Companion Cube-shaped logs, cake, fish shaped crackers, fish shaped solid waste, fish shaped >needle injectors, fish shaped cake, Helpful Turrets and cake have put us temporarily out of >business. It appears that Portal is “the biggest thing since ‘Desu’.”

With a serious of beeps Francis had spent days to tune and resequece right so that they exactly matched both Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and Star Wars Droid Frequencies, a series of pie charts and other graphs flickered to life on screen.

>At the current rate, your fortune will expire in 71.592 days, if funding for projects is
>included. However, without any technological experiments, the funds could at a decent rate >of interest hold for the rest of your lifespan, master. May I suggest that you abandon >experiments until manners have been seen to ? I could calculate a new business plan for >opening a chain of –

“No !”, Francis shouted. Waving around in a descriptive manner, he went on: “This…is what makes me me ! This it what gives me my inner nerrness ! What would I be without this ? The hot babes would be bored to death !”

>As you say, master. In that case, if abandoning research and development is not an option, >may I suggest the following strategy ?

A three-dimensional image flashed on the screen. “Augh ! Put that into normal dimension, Neko ! You know this 3D business freaks people out !”

>Sorry, master.

The image resampled itself and became an animation. As Francis looked at it, the beads of sweat that had been rolling down his forehead stopped trickling, and as near the end of the presentation a MeowMaid came in, carefully balancing a glass of lemonade on its square body, he picked it up and danced a little jig with it. “That’s pure genius, Neko ! I totally don’t regret buying you – you really are high-technical ! Well, no wonder - you were built by me. Nerr, herr, herrr.”

>Yes, master.

“But – how high is the possibility of those investions refunding themselves in the needed timeframe ?”

>At about 99.1298 %, master. If the appliances are installed correctly, the money will come >fountaining in. Of course, the other steps of the scheme must be carefully followed to >ascertain proper calculations.
“FANTASTI-HIGH-TECHNICAL !” Francis shouted out, smooching the MeowMaid in overjoy’dness.

>…
>Please put down MeowMaid ID #012-Clarence. It’s sending a distress signal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Delivery for Mr… Francis ?”
An army of Parakoopas floated outside the Fort, looking slightly worried. A couple of days ago, weird cat-shaped arches had started to appear not only all over the Mushroom Kingdom, but all over the Mushroom Planet – and out of one of them, that weird cat robot cube thing had come and delivered an ordering list. But the coins it had dispensed were genuine, and so the Gadd Science Inc. had decided to deliver. So now they were floating in front of a huge fort, in a world that looked plain weird. “Look at the sky… It’s all cubic and stuff !” the whisper went around, and several worried glanced were shot at the portal, expecting it to close at any second and make this world a deathtrap. ‘Maybe nobody is home’, thought Parakarry, Chief of the Toad Town Post Office Mail Order Squad (ToToPoOMOS, a name he regularly wished not accepted, as small children tended to snigger at it and adults cramped up. Seniors just asked if it was one of “these newfangled Japanese things” and appeared to not get the intent, thought that was the case with about anything, so they didn’t count.). ‘The Fort has lichen over it – it doesn’t look very used. His musings were short cut when, accompanied by a sudden representation of the first symphony in fear-dur by the ToToPoOMOS, a chute opened in the wall, a panel slid back and a loudspeaker unfolded, speaking out.in a mechanical voice:

>Thank you. Please deposit the cargo in the cargo chute.

Several large crates were flown forward, under grunt and swears. The Parakoopas had done large deliveries before – Bowsers Castle kept ordering more and more lava and other decorative items, not to mentions vast quantities of machinery from the Gadd Evil Overlord Catalogue – but this was the mother of all deliveries. The koopas lines up, grabbed a crate and heaved it into the chute under the guidance of some colleagues with funny-colored paddles waving them in and grinning smugly as they didn’t seem to do anything.* With an “Heave-HO !” and “AAARGH ! MY FOOT ! YOU SON OF A –“ the last crate disappeared into the chute, and it closed with a slight whooshing. As the last of the Parakoopas stepped back through the portal labelled “Mushroom Kingdom”, he took a last look back – and several thing happened at once.
The fort giant doors swung open with surprising speed.

>MeowMaids, ASSEMBLE !, the loudspeaker rang out.
An army of MeowMaids stepped out. The sunlight reflected off their polished shells in a blinding gleam. The mass of white cubes stepped forward like one man, and on command, their tops opened with a hiss and folded to their sides.
Sweat rolled down the Parakoopas face. Was this the end ?

>MeowMaids… Load and aim !

>FIRE !

There was a roaring hiss.
The Parakoopa fainted.

The MeowMaids didn’t even look at him, but continued to polish the fort’s walls, using high-energy steam blowers that had unfolded from within them.

>MeowMaid ID #218-, would you mind to throw that koopa over there in the portal ?
>…
>After you have cleaned him, that is.

* They were later shot, but had Life Shrooms on their sandwiches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Inside the main control room, Francis looked up from the action plan Neko-hime had printed.

“And that works ? HOW ? I mean, I do have a load of money, but so many things… These dimensions are insane ! Nerr…”

>Not necessarily, master.

“Then how do you plan on doing this ? The materials… the time… That’s impossible.”

>No, master. Please follow me to the Lab.

A panel in the wall slid back, and after an elevator ride and a stroll through one of the Forts many “secret” corridors, illuminated by fluorescent lights, they arrived in a cellar room finned with enough technological knickknacks to build a humongous Japanese Mecha.*
>Opening hatch in
>5…
>4…
>3…
>2…
>1…
>0


*Which was Francis’ Plan B-175/4A, Codenamed “Franzinator”. Attempts to bribe an official to get a S2 engine off iBay had proven unsuccessful, putting the project on hiatus.


A hatch in the floor slid open, and a something slowly rose up on a platform. A sole MeowMaid, oil having splashed on its cute design, stood besides it, tuning it with a screwdriver. “Mrow ?” it ventured, and started to purr when Francis gently cleaned it with a rag. The machine the Maid had been tuning looked like the lovechild of a junkyard and the Electronics Monthly catalogue after it had been shot into space and twisted through dimensions it wasn’t supposed to go through.
“This is one of the things you bought ?”, Francis asked.

>No, master.

“I haven’t seen it before, nerr, and I see anything in this Fort. You haven’t upgraded yourself, have you ?” he ventured, his left hand wandering towards the emergency shutdown button on his wrist-PDA.

>No, master. My programming forbids me from upgrading my circuits by myself. You have >been understandably strict about that.

“Good. So what is it ? Looks high-technical.”

>This is what I assembled from the parts you bought according to the plan.

“…”
>Is there a problem, master ? Are you missing an important Toad Force V episode ?

“You…” The lizard stood there blue with shock.

>I ?

“YOU HAVE MADE ME PAY TWENTY 24K GOLD BARS AND 249 COINS, WHICH IS ABOUT THREE QUARTERS OF ALL I HAVE LEFT, FOR THIS… THIS… ENORMOUS HAIRDRYER ? - … I DON’T EVEN HAVE HAIR !”

>No, master. It is not a hairdryer. It’s a narrative cannon.

Silence met this last message.

The loudspeakers let out a digitized sigh, and the screen flashed again as it typed

>You know, we live in a narrative universe.

“No, but do go on.”

>Narrative Universe, the. Universe in which the laws of physics and general probabilities >allow themselves to be bent around narrative occurrences. In layman’s terms: It’s a hell of a >lot more possible to happen if it’d make a damn good story.

“And what has that to do with that thing ?”

>This thing extracts the narrative from a plethora of sources and directly injects it into the >very fabric of this dimension.

“Nerr ?”

>It’s a Deus Ex Machina... – Machine.

“But where does the Narrative come form ?”
>From dimensions not narrative. They won’t miss it. Also, I plan on extracting it solely from Harry Potter lemon fanfics. They’re bad enough already, nobody will notice if they get even >worse.
>
>Asking permission to charge Narrative Cannon. Yes / No ? __

“… FIRE DAH LAZER !”

A rumble went through the whole room. The Narrative Cannon once again sank into the ground, and the chair Francis sat on let loose a low whirr and slid sideway into an elevator in an alcove.
On the roof of Fort Francis, an enormous hatch opened and the bulk of the narrative cannon gleamed in the light. From the top of it, a thick iron bar raised itself into the sky.

“This thing needs lightning to power it ? My fort has its own fusion generator !” Francis shouted at one of the omnipresent terminals of Neko-hime, the chair with him sliding out of the elevator. “And why couldn’t I just use the stairs or a normal elevator ?”

>To A):
>Lightning is the traditional way of doing it. Very narrative. Using lightning energy will >balance the cannon out and also prevent a power surge that might damage your files. Also, I >have checked the complete electrical circuit pattern of the Fort and doubled all surge >compensators and fuses.
>To B):
>It’s a lot cooler.

“Even so, this thing, however high-technical, will have to wait. There hasn’t been a lightning strike here in ages. Do you think a handy thunderstorm will just pop up out of hammerspa-“

He was interrupted when a loud thunderclap echoed across the Bitlands.

>Yes. Theory of Narrative Causality.

Before Francis could say anything, an enormous bolt of white-hot lightning struck the rod. The air crackled with energy, and it smelled of burning tin.
With a surprisingly gentle whirring, the Narrative Cannon came to life.

>Narrative Cannon online.
>Activating collection sequence.

Patches of air suddenly wavered. There was a suggestion of motion, a sort of sudden pattern in the air like the blueprint of a figment of imagination gone real, and then streaks of electric blue plasma appeared and gathered around the rotating front part of the “hairdryer”.

>Collection of Narrativium successful. Activating comprimation sequence.
>Countdown:
>5…
>4…
>3…
>2…
>1…
>0

Parts of the cannon unfolded and whirred across their axises. Some even detached and floated around, orbiting the machine on streaks of electricity. The whirring got louder and louder, and a sound in between was growing, like bell of glass being struck gently over and over.
Now the orbiting and whirring parts sped up, becoming a blur in the air. Francis felt an invisible force wash across him, and the world wavered like air over a hot road. His ears filled with the ringing. The speeding machine now emitted its own energy, red in color, and the blue and red rings rotated at speed, skewing to one side or the other. The red ring drew in closer, and the blue counterpart, cornered, went into itself, getting smaller and smaller and finally ending in a tight, rotating sphere.

>Ending comprimation sequence.

The red ring drew in even closer now. It fastened around the blue which dwindled into a tiny dot and then fused with it. Now the world seemed to tumble whilst standing still. Francis felt oddly light-headed and had the feeling that he wasn’t really there. Looking at the machine that now stood as if frozen in place, he saw that parts of it seemed to have passed through other parts. A shiver went down his spine – What had he gotten himself into ? Neko-hime interrupted him with the proclamation of

>Injecting Narrative in
>5…
>4…
>3…
>2…
>1…
>0

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
High-Technical * Grand Hotel Arcade Bitlands Lounge

Prologue – Part 2

((Authors Note. This is not going to make a lot of sense if you haven’t read the mysterious prologue. I made a new topic just for this because I wanted to surprise people and use the title to its fullest extend.))

Francis picked himself up and brushed the dust off himself. The world slowly swam back into focus, but it still remained blurry as if it had been packed into a snowglobe that had been given to a person during an earthquake. The nerdy lizard immediately felt sickness grip him with the force of a well-aimed halfbrick. ‘Stupid computer’, he thought. ‘Narrative Cannon. Yeah, right. It probably just screwed up the fabric of time and space again and will shortly make me land in the living room of some weird guy in Japan named Miyamoto.’ But as the feeling that bits of him were unsure about their position gently subsided, Francis squinted through his fingers, prepared to turn invisible at the sign of any danger. What he saw, however, was a desk made of wood and polished until it did all but shine by itself, a great hall with extensive tapestry and red carpets and, for his taste, too many baroque-framed mirrors and brass railings, and that he was wearing a suit instead of his custom-tailored shirt and that he even wore pants. ((No comment.))
Taking another look after rubbing his eyes and polishing his glasses revealed two old-styled elevators next to a pair of staircases that in utter defiance of the laws of the second dimension they lived in managed to spiral around each other in an apparent double helix. The staircases would up at least four stories with the occasional walkway in between them and big chandeliers swinging over and between them from the platforms. The stories themselves didn’t seem to differ from that style – electric candles on the walls, tapestries, brass and red carpets, even wooden wall tablings. Francis’ gaze shifted to the desk, and he saw, to his relief, a workstation – however, one modded to fit the architectural style of the rest of the hall, all shiny, golden and antique – , a bell and a huge, leather-bound book with empty pages and a quill pen besides it. The monitor, he noticed, had also been modded to look slightly steampunkish. Dreamy.

With a melodius, bell-like beep, the screen flickered to live.
“It better be Neko and not some killer AI or other personality, else it’ll take weeks to sort out the Mainframe… Not to mention I have no clue on how to operate that Narrative Thing.”
The cursor blinked to life and started writing.
>Neko-hime v. 2.548
>Starting Reboot Testing Sequence
>Testing CPU……………..100 %
>Testing Hard Drive………100 %
>Testing RAM….…………100 %
>Checking OS……………..100 %
>AI sanity check….……….100 %
>Checking File integrity…. 100 %
>Checking Registry……….100 %
>Virus check………………Clean
>
>
>Welcome, Master Francis.
>Protocol reveals that the Narrative Cannon has been successfully fired.
>Is everything according to your taste ?

“Well, Neko, I personally would have put in a more modern style, but it’ll work. Is everything working according to the Plan ?”

>It appears so. Please proceed to the MeowMaid hold to authorize reprogramming for special >domestic and care tasks.

A part of the wall slid back with a slight hissing, revealing a metal walkway lighted in regular intervals by neon lights.

“Why is this place so baroque ? And since when are there secret passages ?”

>Theory of Narrative Causality again, master. I fear that this style is the cliché for the look of >any luxury hotel. I have compensated and restyled as much as possible, but narrative is hard >to control. You can’t fine-tune it, at least not at the moment – we don’t know much about >narrative physics. If narrative even has any.
>Conversely, you may have noticed a slight change not only in your appearance but also >speech-pattern. Narrative resonance causes this – the Narrative force injected into our >dimensions picks up narrative patters and reshapes reality to suit them. I have assembled a >small-scale compensation device from spare parts for emergencies, but we will have to be >cautious - it easily overheats, severely limiting its use. For the worst-case scenario, “AI turns >insane and takes control of building and reprograms robots to be extremely hostile”, I have >included an escape pod haven and self-destruction mechanisms, all inuseable or -blockable >by me or remote-controlled MeowMaids.

“Why would you build a self-destruction mechanism ? Into yourself, nonetheless ?”

>I… Bzzt…
>Analysing Behaviour Pattern irregularity.
>…
>Analysis complete.
> Error No. 125-5: Logical malfunction
>Checking integrity of morality core and logic circuits.
>…
>Complete. All fully functional.
>Conclusion:
>Narrative resonance-related change.
>…
>I am sorry master, but not even I am immune. I would suggest investing future funds into the >construction of a large-scale supercooled narrative compensator. For the time being, >however, your PDA modification will have to do. Now let us proceed to the MeowMaid >Hold.

With a sigh Francis walked down the metal pathway, not even bothering to look as the panel slid back into place after him. As always, he’d gotten himself into the deepest probability of bad things possible.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With a mechanical creaking, a hiss and a whooshing sound the big metal doors of the hold slid back. An army of MeowMaids on shelves lay deactivated in the large room beyond.

“So let me get this straight… The fort has about quadrupled in size, the MeowMaid count has multiplied itself by a dozen and the whole Fort has redecorated itself, too. All because of a cannon powered by stories, or rather the energies of stories about bad buttsex.”

>Yes, master.

“Then why, in the name of the Grodus Chronicles, haven’t we just narrative’d us into a Fort made of solid gold and filled with platin bars, nerr ?”

>Too easy. No narrative compatibility.

“How can narrative be compatible ? It’s not like it’s Flipdows xD.”

>To be simple, it wouldn’t make a good story. It is kind of like narrative resonance in large >scale – the narrative energy I extracted and injected reshaped reality to suit a story or the >general shape of one. I was able to modify it into a certain shape so that we don’t end up in a >story about the attack of killer cutlery, but you have to follow a certain “shape” for it to >work.

“It’s never easy, is it ?”

>No. And now, I’d like to activate the new staff of our establishment.”

With a metallical whirr, more panels in the wall slid aside, revealing power cords that plugged themselves into the MeowMaids’ input slots after they had opened themselves up. On the wall, a big PC screen switched itself on, presenting a three-dimensional MeowMaid rotating slowly and presenting a series of animated lines and graphs that served no other purpose aside from being interesting to look at.

>Downloading new programming into MeowMaids.

A status bar appeared on the screen, an animated cable plugged itself into the 3D MeowMaid, and cartoon-styled electricity ran through it.

“Wait… the 3D stuff is easy on my eyes. Is that another side-effect of that cannon ?”

>Yes.

Neko-hime’s mechanical voice sounded even more realistic after the canon had been fired and seemed to advance even more with time passing.

>Narrative resonance is still at work, reshaping reality to make all of it fit. I am already >working to revise the algorithms and update the energy calculation variable to minimize that >effect, but before we can use the cannon precisely, we’ll have to endure some test runs and >the resulting inconvenience.

“Not before my financial security isn’t back.” The lizard replied.

>Of course not.
>…
>Download finished.

With a hundred clicks and beeps, MeowMaids went online. A hundred artificial “Meow !” s rang out through the hold.

((More coming tomorrow – who will be among the first guests in the…

High-Technical Grand Hotel Arcade Bitlands Lounge

Chapter 1: Welcome, valued Guests !

Author Note: I am very sorry to say it, but this story contains a Gary Stu. The Hotel itself. As you will see, I couldn’t resist giving it everything and more.

The sun had risen to its highest point, as it was already noon. Francis had spent the morning haggling with the computer over small details in the decoration and had then walked trough his transformed Fort to get to know it anew. The MeowMaids had been upgraded to advanced domestic and social tasks, and a trial session had been successful. Francis had tried out the Room Service, Massage Parlor, SPA, Swimming Hall, Bar, Arcade and Howzit Shop, leaving the latter with a strange feeling – how had that one got there ? Now he was sitting behind the desk in the Entrance Hall and waited for the guests to arrive. Following the Narrative Injection, the Interdimensional Meow-shaped PORTal (IMPORT) he’d originally used to get the cannons’ parts had taken up connections to all known civilized worlds. Now, he could only wait. Whilst he was doing this, the Forts’ AI, Neko-hime, killed time by calculating algorithms to minimize narrative resonance. Stray narrative energies were still coursing through the fort, picking up random plots and reshaping reality in unsuspected ways. Currently, the AI had decided to reprogram the compensator in its masters’ wrist-PDA to project a constant compensation field that would protect him from any narrative influence after a stray plot had transformed him into a bishonen. The AI involuntarily shuddered. Not even enormous amounts of Bishie Sparkle could improve something like that.


The fans rotated lazily, shifting the air. “Oh my god, when will they finally arrive ? I’m cooking in this damned heat. Stupid summer. Neko, why don’t we just throw on the AC ? The hot babes don’t need to be boiling when they arrive. Nerr herr herr.”
>Activating the AC for the whole Fort would waste enough energy to power Las Vegas for a >day. Be glad you get it for almost free from the fusion generator, master.

“… How big has that damn cannon made the Fort ? I mean, I ain’t complaining, even if the “physics” of narrative seem pretty stupid to me. If we could just poof the money in it’d be a lot easier, but nooo… Speaking of science, how is the Holo-Projector project coming along ?”

>We still wait for parts. And no, we can’t use the cannon there either.
>It is a possibility, but it’d require focus narrative, and at the time being I’m not accustomed >to the physics of it enough. I can do the big changes all right, but smaller ones would >generate a lot of stray plotlines. I’m analyzing all data from the current observable changes, >though, and in a few days I’ll be able to recalibrate the cannon.

“Hooray. Still-“ the lizard started but was then suddenly interrupted when loud sirens honked throughout the building.

“WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE LIMITED EDITION MAGNUS VON GRAPPLE ACTION FIGURE IS GOING ON ?” Francis shouted. “I FELL FROM MY FREAKING CHAIR !”

>Guest alert. Guest alert. Several bioforms nearing the hotel. Preparing MeowMaids.

Francis sighed. For not having allowed the computer unauthorized self-modification, it sure popped up with new features often.

>MeowPatrol Live Cam Feed Initiated.

The monitor on the desk flickered to another window. It showed a bit of the idyllic, Ghibli Hills – like landscape of the Bitlands, taken from above. A group of people appeared from the central portal, stepping blinking into the light and looking around slightly bewildered. They were talking to each other, and looking from alert over confused to stoic – Probably, they hadn’t expected the portal ride.
“Where’s the transportation ? Please don’t tell me they’ll have to walk. It’s all gonna go wrong, isn’t it ? My life is ruined… My company is ruined… And I’ll never open my own Theme Park.”

>Master, relax. , the computer said. A MeowMaid appeared out of a hatch in the wall, carrying a glass of ice-cooled lemonade and a hankerchief.

>Shuttle service is already on its way.


Medikoopa was glad she’d chosen her light silk robe for the vacation.
“It’s rather hot here.”, she mumbled.
“You’re darn right.” Next to her, MsDevin, a purple bloblike thing she’d encountered rather often in various hiding places on her journeys and had formed a mutual friendship with, wiped her forehead. Somehow.
“I sweat like a fire hydrant – and I don’t even wear clothes.” That statement was followed by a few seconds of pause in which Medikoopa could swear she felt the air crackle.
“Wait, doesn’t that make you NAKED ?” an orange-haired guy piped out what everyone else thought.
“Hey, where’d she go ?” And truly, MsDevin didn’t stand where she was just a minute ago. “Probably behind that lamppost over there.” A purple, boyish looking teenager with pointy ears, clothed in some sort of weird cap and a black robe had spoken in a chilly tone of voice that was a rather pleasing coolant in the dreadful heat.
“My name is Vaati, by the way.”
“Pleased to meet you. Medikoopa.”. But before she could make any small talk, a weird cat-shaped bus came over.
“Awesome. A Hoverbus.”, said a guy in green trousers and white overalls plus cap – and really, now that she did a second take, the bus was hovering a few centimetres over the ground.
”This thing flar3z.” was heard from the green guy as they entered it and found it driverless. ‘Okay…’ Medikoopa though. ‘Not that “flar3z” is a word anyway.’ As everyone else had entered, she look over her shoulder and whispered :
“They’re all in. You can come out.”, and after she stepped out from behind the lamppost, she and MsDevin entered the bus.
They took a seat in the back, next to a Boo that immediately turned to stare out of the window.
‘Shy devils.’, Medikoopa thought, rummaging through her bag for the brightly colored flyer she’d found a couple of days earlier. “Come to the HIGH-TECHNICAL * Grand Hotel Arcade Bitlands Lounge for a vacation you’ll wish you’ve had earlier !” was the optimistic claim on the front. It had taken a search through an encyclopedia in her house and then she knew that the Bitlands were a world of pleasant green plains located in another dimension. Curious how much they thought she could afford – it wasn’t like the mountain village whose community she assisted with her services was a thriving business town – and the price the flyer announced was surprisingly cheap.
‘And there wasn’t any fine print. I looked with a magnifying lens, after all.’ Devin seemed to have similar concerns.
“Do you think this is a scam ? Or an elaborate plan to kidnap a princess or something ?”
“I don’t think so. I mean, look out of the window. Grass, trees, flowers, a dead Squiglet with a tire track on it – I’m just kidding! – and a nice lake. Also, this bus has air condition. Have you ever heard of people getting kidnapped this luxuriously?” That seemed to satisfy Devin, as she didn’t put forth objections anymore. The bus hovered on, and then took a curve , driving on a gravel path and the hotel came into view.

“Boah.”
“Wow.”
“It looks like…”

“… ass. Blergh, the façade is grown over with moss and vines.” The girls turned around. A large orange Koopa blocked two seats at once, slouching lazily and eyeing the two girls in a way that made them want to kick him in the bollocks.
“Oh, great. Bowser. What the hell are you doing here ? Stalking innocent girls ?”

The big wooden sign with the golden letters over the entrance and the gardens heightened the travellers’ view of the hotel, at least. Swinging their various bags over their shoulders and generally handling their baggage, they exited the bus with Bowser temporarily getting stuck in the door, ‘On purpose, probably’.

Then they stood in front of the big double doors of the hotel, which were shut and looked as if they’d stay that way. A smaller door set into the right door was also shut.
“Oh, great. IT’S LOCKED.”
“What the f*ck.”
“I want a refund.”
Medikoopa sighed and pressed the ring button.

With an ominous creak, the door slowly swung open. The travellers stared at them in disbelief.

“That is so totally unnecessary drama.”
“It’s too hot for that.”
“Oh. My. Gawrsh.”

Finally, the doors were opened, and the mass of people slowly stepped inside. Chilliness engulfed them, extracting a few thankful sighs from the crowd. Behind the counter, an overweight lizard seemed to try to sweat himself thin. But before they could reach the counter, an armada of weird, cubic, cat-like things popped out of a hatch that stealthily slid back shut and looked just like the ground.

“MEOW !”
“AAAH ! ROBOT ATTACK !”
“I knew it. It was too cheap to be good.”
“We’re gonna be cyborgized ! EEK !”
“ALL OUT ! WOMEN AND STUDLY KOOPA KINGS FIRST !”
‘Didn’t see that coming.’, thought Medikoopa, backing away with the others.
The robots drew closer. The tourists receded further.. The doors closed behind them, leaving them with their back to the wall. Now the robots were in front of them. With a hiss, hatches on their top opened up, accompanied by a mechanical whirring. The tourists huddled themselves together, MsDevin tried to hide behind a speck of dust and Bowser held five different people as living shield.

The robots blasted confetti at them. “Welcome, valued guests !”
Medikoopa took her hands away from shielding her face and blinked confused.
‘This is going to be one heck of a vacation.’

Continued whenever I get my lazy ass to writing in…

High-Technical Grand Hotel Arcade Bitlands Lounge

Chapter 2: Rooms, rooms, rooms

Author’s Notes: This thing is going to be interactive. I just decided it – but not really interactive in the way of making this an RP, interactive in the way of letting you decide about minor details. I will write a chapter, and then after I have prepared the outline of the next chapter, I will post a list of variables contained in that outline. And you have 24 hours or more, depending on the status of my writer’s block, to post the variables you want me to use for your character. And now, story ahoy !

A while later, the guests had finally begun to calm down. The lizard behind the counter had introduces himself as Francis – the hotel’s apparent owner. Then they had formed a queue in front of the wooden desks, and had started to check in. Medikoopa stood in the line sandwiched in between a Hoop-a Troopa in a tasteless shirt and a Dark Boo that she wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley.
‘Bowser’s designers seem to have gone nuts. I mean, come on – Hoop-a Troopa ? It’s just a Koopa with a hulahoop ands some stupid ballet-like attack. If it was a laser-hoop, at least. But this way, it’s just ridiculous.’, she thought as the line inches forwards.

Finally she stood in front of the lizard who grinned nervously at her.

Chapter 2: Rooms, rooms, rooms ~ Outline (Rest).
Medikoopa and Devin find rooms next to each other; go to an instructionary meeting to the new type of hotel where the features of the hotel are explained (Securtiy, Pay to use rooms, Special Environment Rooms, Terminals) and they get their access accessory introduced to people, get around. Next morning: Sky suddenly goes cloudy; overtly dramatic thunderstorm, lightning hits still extended lightning rod of cannon which elevated itself because of stray narrative that also caused the thunderstorm. Storm unfolds, cannon activates. Red alert, drama. Francis runs thorugh the corridor, makind a PA with his PDA telling the people to stay calm and go back into their rooms. People DO panic, and the AI tells them where to find the Escape Pods. Francis runs whilst the narrative effect start – Air wavers, they feel like falling backwards. Medikoopa remarks it seems like what persons she revived told her dying felt like, only backwards. Parts of the hotel transform into other narrative beings, like space floor, Jungle Grass. Stuff comes out of doors. Francis arrives at main cannon controls, haxxes, but can’t stop it ‘cos of narrative. As the AI explains, the first firing had left a lot of stray narrative that now invited an unpredictable plot into the universe and it resonated with the cannon, activating it will not only fuel the plot it called but also, since it doesn’t have any narrative “coordinates”, will twist the whole of the Bitlands into any plot that absorbs the narrative. Generally, anything could happen that’d make a damn good story.
Cannon activates and fires.
Hotel and all is whisked away, people fly in white void, disintegrate / fade.


Chapter 3: OBJECTION ! ~ Outline

[Sync to motor crazycycle / Put that under the chapter.]

Francis awakes in his bed. Thinks it was all just a dream. His PDA says “Narrative protection shield activated.”. He goes out – and sees that a murder has happened and everyone besides him thinks he’s Franix Wright. Characters have become:
Medi Fey – Medikoopa
Manfred von Bowser – Lord Bowser
Detective Gumshoe – Well, guess who.
Francine von Karma - Francine
Judgene – Jolene
Sind Manella – Sind
Maiq Edgeworth (Look at Wikipedia or other –pedia for Canon Maiq Quotes)
Goombot – Goomba
Larry Butz – Larry Koopa
Crazy Hackins –
Mandew Engarde – Mandew
Mona May – Mona
Pearl “Pixls” Fey – Piccolo the Pixl

At the end, Manfred von Bowser in convicted to have helped Mandew Engarde to rob Crazy Hackins (who is the victim and first believed to be dead, then to be knocked out with a 1952 bottle of Ketchup Reserve, then to be faking the theft to scam the insurance) of the only existing copy of a Cave Story Hentai Doujinshi that doesn’t look like crap. Franix is, however, hindered in his investigations by Light Atmey who believes only in Cola Zero and wants to convict Crazy Hackins of Insurance Scam in order to hide his attraction to Josh Armstrong. The deciding evidence against Manfred is forged, by the way, and delivered by Maiq “The Liar” Edgeworth. It’s a video he found in a trash can in the park near a bench where he eats his lunch, it’s labelled “The Fruits of St. Porno”, [the label is old] and on it is a badly-made, re-enacted “security camera” scene with Franix and Medi in bad costumes and wearing paper masks, attacking a cardboard cutout of Crazy Hackins. Also, Detective Gumshoe loves Francine von Karma, even though she’s a Butterfly. Francine first takes her father’s side, insulting the heroes and blocking their path whilst her father carries away the doujinshi and drags the ketchup-stained body of Crazy into another room (All in plain sight of Medi, who was hungry

[Frozenwinters]

I only read the first part. That would have been an awesome RP if it didn't die all of a sudden. >:

I caught some errors at the start, but most of them I found at the end. You should think about finding someone to read your writing before you submit it to anything.

[Sesshoumaru]

That was hilarious.

[Zelnor]

Okay, thanks guys....
Yeah, but I always thought I write too sporadic for a beta. Also, that text is about one year old, when I was barely in an actual english-speaking environment. I didn't catch all the weird grammatical errors on my revision.

Anything else ?

And yeah, I had an awesome image in my mind.