digibutter.nerr

[Zelnor]

~Prologue~


>MeowPatrol Report
>Unit No. 1-252-36-X
>Sector FORT_01-TOWER02
>Occurances: 1
>Specification: Loud Noise/Scream
>Recording: 12_02_08-08:55
>Playing…

“NOOOOOOOO !”

The cry that had earlier startled the MeowPatrols rang out in perfect Shroomy Surround through Computer Room 2. Francis sat in front of the huge screen in an ergonomic chair, and wanted to be somewhere else. So it had been true.
He was nearly bankrupt.


The day had started like any other – He’d woken up, had the MeowNeko massage him, had strolled into the bath and applied a light spray of eau de Twygz and went to check on his multimillion coins internet emporium to find that it’d broken down.
“Are you sure ?” he asked, for the millionth time, the computer. The AI in it had cost him another fat chunk of coins, and he’d spent days carefully modding it so it displayed Neko-hime without any flickering. Looking aside, he looked at the heaps of LEDs, emitters and other technological items on his workbench. He’d tried building a holographic emitter to let Neko-hime show herself in the whole fort, but he couldn’t get enough power. Now, on of Francis hands ((Do lizards even have hands ?)) was now grasping the casing, seeking solace in the perfect imitation of a TEC-XX model.

>Yes, master. The enormous rush for Portal-related merchandise, such as Weighted
>Companion Cube Plushies, Weighted Companion Cube Underwear, Combustible Weighted
>Companion Cube logs, cake, fish shaped crackers, fish shaped solid waste, fish shaped
>needle injectors, fish shaped cake, Helpful Turrets and cake have put us temporarily out of
>business. It appears that Portal is “the biggest thing since ‘Desu’.”

With a serious of beeps Francis had spent days to tune and resequece right so that they exactly matched both Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and Star Wars Droid Frequencies, a series of pie charts and other graphs flickered to life on screen.

>At the current rate, your fortune will expire in 71.592 days, if funding for projects is
>included. However, without any technological experiments, the funds could at a decent rate >of interest hold for the rest of your lifespan, master. May I suggest that you abandon
>experiments until manners have been seen to ? I could calculate a new business plan for
>opening a chain of –

“No !”, Francis shouted. Waving around in a descriptive manner, he set on: “This…is what makes me me ! This it what gives me my inner nerrness ! What would I be without this ? The hot babes would be bored to death !”

>As you say, master. In that case, if abandoning research and development is not an option,
>may I suggest the following strategy ?

A three-dimensional image flashed on the screen. “Augh ! Put that into normal dimension, Neko ! You know this 3D business freaks people out !”

>Sorry, master.

The image resampled itself and became an animation. As Francis looked at it, the beads of sweat that had been rolling down his forehead stopped trickling, and as near the end of the presentation a MeowMaid came in, carefully balancing a glass of lemonade on its square body, he picked it up and danced a little jig with it. “That’s pure genius, Neko ! I totally don’t regret buying you – you really are high-technical ! Well, no wonder - you were built by me. Nerr, herr, herrr.”

>Yes, master.

“But – how high is the possibility of those investions refunding themselves in the needed timeframe ?”

>At about 99.1298 %, master. If the appliances are installed correctly, the money will come
>fountaining in. Of course, the other steps of the scheme must be carefully followed to
>ascertain proper calculations.
“FANTASITI-HIGH-TECHNICAL !” Francis shouted out, smooching the MeowMaid in overjoy’dness.

>…
>Please put down MeowMaid ID #012-Clarence. It’s sending a distress signal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Delivery for Mr… Francis ?”
An army of Parakoopas floated outside the Fort, looking slightly worried. A couple of days ago, weird cat-shaped arches had started to appear not only all over the Mushroom Kingdom, but all over the Mushroom Planet – and out of one of them, that weird cat robot cube thing had come and delivered an ordering list. But the coins it had dispensed were genuine, and so the Gadd Science Inc. had decided to deliver. So now they were floating in front of a huge, green-grayish fort, in a world that looked plain weird. “Look at the sky… It’s all cubic and stuff !” the whisper went around, and several worried glanced were shot at the portal, expecting it to close at any second and make this world a deathtrap.

A chute opened in the wall, a panel slid back and a loudspeaker unfolded, speaking out.in a mechanical voice.

>Thank you. Please deposit the cargo in the cargo chute.

Several large crates were flown forward, under grunt and swears. The Parakoopas had done large deliveries before – Bowsers Castle kept ordering more and more lava and other decorative items, not to mentions vast quantities of machinery from the Gadd Evil Overlord Catalogue – but this was the mother of all deliveries. The koopas lines up, grabbed a crate and heaved it into the chute under the guidance of some colleagues with funny-colored paddles waving them in. With an “Heave-HO !” and “AAARGH ! MY FOOT ! YOU SON OF A –“ the last crate disappeared into the chute, and it closed with a slight whooshing. As the last of the Parakoopas stepped back through the portal labelled “Mushroom Kingdom”, he took a last look back – and several thing happened at once.
The fort giant doors swung open with surprising speed.
>MeowMaids, ASSEMBLE !, the loudspeaker rang out.
An army of MeowMaids stepped out. The sunlight reflected off their polished shells in a blinding gleam. The mass of white cubes stepped forward like one man, and on command, their tops opened with a hiss and folded to their sides.
Sweat rolled down the Parakoopas face. Was this the end ?

>MeowMaids… Load and aim !

>FIRE !

There was a ropring hiss.
The Parakoopa fainted.

The MeowMaids didn’t even look at him, but continued to polish the fort’s walls, using high-energy steam blowers that had unfolded from within them.

>MeowMaid ID #218-, would you mind to throw that guy over there in the portal ?
>…
>After you have cleaned him, that is.

Inside a remote control room, Francis looked up from the action plan Neko-hime had printed.

“And that works ? HOW ? I mean, I do have a load of money, but so many things… These dimensions are insane ! Nerr…”

>Not necessarily, master.

“Then how do you plan on doing this ? The materials… the time… That’s impossible.”

>No, master. Opening hatch in
>5…
>4…
>3…
>2…
>1…
>0

A hatch in the floor slid open, and a something slowly rose up on a platform. A sole MeowMaid, oil having splashed on its cute design, stood besides it, tuning it with a screwdriver. “Mrow ?” it ventured, and started to purr when Francis gently cleaned it with a rag. The machine the Maid had been tuning looked like the lovechild of a junkyard and the Electronics monthly catalogue after it had been shot into space and twisted through dimensions it wasn’t supposed to go through.
“This is one of the things you bought ?”, Francis asked.

>No, master.

“I haven’t seen it before, nerr, and I see anything in this Fort. You haven’t upgraded yourself, have you ?” he ventured, his left hand wandering towards the emergency shutdown button on his wrist-PDA.

>No, master. My programming forbids me from upgrading my circuits by myself. You have >been understandably strict about that.

“Good. So what is it ? Looks high-technical.”

>This is what I assembled from the parts you bought according to the plan.

“…”
>Is there a problem, master ? Are you missing an important Toad Force V episode ?

“You…” The lizard stood there blue with shock.

>I ?

“YOU HAVE MADE ME PAY TWENTY 24K GOLD BARS AND 249 COINS FOR THIS… THIS… ENORMOUS HAIRDRYER ? I DON’T EVEN HAVE HAIR !”

>No, master. It is not a hairdryer. It’s a narrative cannon.

Silence met this last message.

The loudspeakers let out a digitized sigh, and the screen flashed again as it typed

>You know, we live in a narrative universe.

“No, but do go on.”

>Narrative Universe, the. Universe in which the laws of physics and general probabilities >allow themselves to be bent around narrative ocurances. In layman’s terms: It’s a hell of a >lot more possible to happen if it’d make a damn good story.

“And what has that to do with that thing ?”

>This thing extracts the narrative from a plethora of sources and directly injects it into the >very fabric of this dimension.

“Nerr ?”

>It’s a Deus Ex Machina.

“But where does the Narrative come form ?”
>From dimensions not narrative. They won’t miss it. Also, I plan on extracting it solely from
>lemon fanfics. They’re bad enough already, nobody will notice if they get even worse.
>Asking permission to charge Narrative Cannon. Yes / No ? __

“… FIRE DAH LAZER !”

A rumble went through the whole room. The Narrative Cannon once again sank into the ground, and the chair Francis sat on let loose a low whir and slid sideway into an elevator in an alcove.
On the roof of Fort Francis, an enormous hatch opened and the bulk of the narrative cannon gleamed in the light. From the top of it, a thick iron bar raised itself into the sky.

“This thing needs lightning to power it ? My fort has its own fusion generator !” Francis shouted at one of the omnipresent terminals of Neko-hime.

>Yes, master, but lightning is the traditional way of doing it. Very narrative. Using lightning >energy will balance the cannon out and also prevent a power surge that might damage your >files. Also, I have checked the complete electrical circuit pattern of the Fort and doubled all >surge compensators and fuses.

“Even so, this thing, however high-technical, will have to wait. There hasn’t been a lightning strike here in ages. Do you think a handy thunderstorm will just pop up out of hammerspa-“

He was interrupted when a loud thunderclap echoed across the Bitlands.

>Yes. Theory of Narrative Causality.

Before Francis could say anything, an enormous bolt of white-hot lightning struck the rod. The air crackled with energy, and it smelled of burning tin.
With a surprisingly gentle whirring, the Narrative Cannon came to life.

>Narrative Cannon online.
>Activating collection sequence.

Patches of air suddenly wavered. There was a suggestion of motion, a sort of sudden pattern in the air like the blueprint of a figment of imagination gone real, and then streaks of electric blue plasma appeared and gathered around the rotating front part of the “hairdryer”.

>Collection of Narrativium successful. Activating comprimation sequence.
>Countdown:
>5…
>4…
>3…
>2…
>1…
>0

Parts of the cannon unfolded and whirred across their axises. Some even detached and floated around, orbiting the machine on streaks of electricity. The whirring got louder and louder, and a sound in between was growing, like bell of glass being struck gently over and over.
Now the orbiting and whirring parts sped up, becoming a blur in the air. Francis felt an invisible force wash across him, and the world wavered like air over a hot road. His ears filled with the ringing. The speeding machine now emitted its own energy, red in color, and the blue and red rings rotated at speed, skewing to one side or the other. The red ring drew in closer, and the blue counterpart, cornered, went into itself, getting smaller and smaller and finally ending in a tight, rotating sphere.

>Ending comprimation sequence.

The red ring drew in even closer now. It fastened around the blue which dwindled into a tiny dot and then fused with it. Now the world seemed to tumble whilst standing still. Francis felt oddly light-headed and had the feeling that he wasn’t really there. Looking at the machine that now stood as if frozen in place, he saw that parts of it seemed to have passed through other parts. A shiver went down his spine – What had he gotten himself into ? Neko-hime interrupted him with the proclamation of

>Injecting Narrative in
>5…
>4…
>3…
>2…
>1…
>0