| |
|
|
Hey [you]! If you haven't noticed, this is now the old digibutter forums. Go over to the new site!
digibutter.nerr
It's Hi-Technicaaal!
|
| Author |
Message |
Token Nazi?
Zelnor
Joined: 01 Jul 2007
Posts: 6425
HP: 10 MP: 7 Lives: 1
|
 Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 7:54 am
|
 |
|
I would have posted this in General Discussion, but I think it is more valid here.
Warning: LONG HUGE WALL OF TEXT
From here.
| Quote: | I can haz thesaurus *crag*?
Yes, the player is describing the appearance of a cat character. Yes, purple prose abounds in it. It could easily be summed up as 'a white she-cat with deep blue eyes', with a bit more description to embellish it and give it a bit more depth. But no, of course not. They had to go on for 535 words. Poor little thesaurus has been *cragged*. Repeatedly. With a push-stick. My soul bleeds.
Appearance
Pools of burnished blue sustain their sheen through the light that reflects consistently from them. Pigments of white adorn the rim, only visible if you were to pad right up to her and gaze closely. When dark, these eyes blaze like vibrant spectrums in the swaths of shadows, miniture luminescent moons lit with any stray pallid light. Hardly betraying any panicked emotions in testing times, they don’t convey many inner emotions to the outside world. They gleam out in clear contrast to the clean white that surrounds them. Inset like jewels into one defined face, the elegant sweep of her jaw prominantly betrays her gender. A clean white canvas blankets her entire body, short hairs emphasising the feminine curvature of her flanks and each . Like a dove’s feathers the hairs are soft to touch. Each ray of light reflects from the glossy coat, adding a burnished sheen that shifts along her lithe body with each fluid movement as she pads with ease. She prefers to look respectable so rasps any stains or dirt she may have collected throughout the day off. No special colour markings, patches or otherwise, embellish the white.
One grave scar wraps itself partially about her right foreleg, trailing off to a thin streak then giving way to her abundant white hair near the back, right before it reaches a main artery. Inflicted by her own brother in a grapple for power, this scar has grown with her, adorning her complexion with something memorable that cats can place to her, an emblem of her power and relic to the folds of her history. It’s dull grey colour is clearly visible from a distance simply because the rest of her sports her vibrant white. It is no secret that this emblem molds what would be stricking beauty, though not more than regular pretty cats, into a dangerous enchantment, sported proudly before enemies though she feigns this act, being not the same cat amongst her Clan.
Her bodice is of an average build, though not slender. Bestowed to her are able legs, with lean muscle attached and built upon, though it doesn’t produce. She does not possess a speed that is unlike any other, and her build is not stocky or compacted enough to allow for any extra strength. However she possesses a wiry toughness, one that keeps her going no matter how leaden her limbs feel. Her sheer average size allows for easy movement, being able to lighten her steps until she is a formidable stalker, though still wouldn’t be noticed as one of the best. Her hunting skills are lacking, partly because of the clarity of her pelt being easily noticed amongst the earthy green patterns of nature.
However her fighting skills offer reprieve from her lacking skills when hunting. Being not as widely built in her stature, she may not hold her own in a battle of strength, though when it comes to producing quick attacks, that’s where her advantage lies. She weaves swiftly, mustering as much agility as she was bestowed with, trying to entwine it with intricate moves. Ivorybird strived to practice techniques like this to help defend herself from an early age, simply because of her siblings.
EDIT: Just so you know this important tidbit... The personality is as bad as the appearance description. The background/history is worse.
EDIT THE SECOND: As per by request, adding the personality and history part. I'll be handing eyesporks for anyone who needs them.
Personality
Ivorybird possesses a comfortable composure, her stature deliberately appearing no higher than many fellow warriors though she tries to keep a sense of presence unwavering about her. For she is a fair Luminary who can get frustrated by injustice, like if a kit was to be uneedingly bullied by their siblings, or a tagalong was over worked yet most other cats sided with the mentor because they were more respected. That trait dates back to her routes, and comes as second nature to judge as fairly as possible. Running alongside that gene is an irritable, impatient streak which she strives to conceal to remain level headed and appear calm and collected, so as not to frighten her Clan in precarious times. Planning, though she doesn't like it, she will comply and keep herself from jumping to conclusions and rushing into something that just wouldn‘t work. Often seeking advice and knew ideas from her Councillor and Healer, plus occasionally the Gifted if there is one currently residing in the Clan. Though she is gentle to most, beholding a pleasant demeanor, annoy her in anyway and a smile could quickly morph to form a grimace, which she uses in the hope that others would take it as a warning and venture no further to awaken her irritation.
With dull kits she could not spare the time of day, finding their, what she thinks, ignorance frustrating against her own experience. Though once they’ve grown and are apprentices, she almost immediately switches hearts towards them, finding their playing enjoyable to watch, and comments amusing. She doesn't go out of her way to sneer at kits, just simply doesn't heed their comments. For a fair cat this seems to be abnormal behaviour, yet she believes this is the right thing to do, another habit carried forth from her kithood. However she does occasionally like to visit the nursery den for congratulations or to attempt to comfort worried queens. It’s her duty, so being fiercely loyal to her Clan, and passionate about helping it thrive, visiting queens seems an important gesture.
Ivorybird is by no means a shy cat, even if from an early age she seemed frozen by older cats attempts at starting a conversation. Being able to engage with total strangers without any tendrils of nervous anticipation drawing her in on herself was something she had to develop with time, once she’d grown older and into a Tagalong. Her mentor was thankfully patient, gaining familiarity along with trust the more times they trained together. Eventually, opening her eyes to other cats feelings and having topics they may be sensitive towards. Not every cat was out there to get her, so in due course she became less afraid of speaking to others. Now she is quietly confident with herself, though not an attention seeker. She is quite content with lying back and allowing others to take centre stage, trying to express their views or bring eyes upon them. Even so her presence still remains.
Ivorybird was named so not because of her personality, but of appearance. Her coat sporting the ivory hue gave her, well, Ivory. No one knows why she returned from the Cave of Star-Speaking with ‘bird’, as she has shared that knowledge with no one. Though knows herself it was once again because of her pelt. Why she has shared that knowledge with no one is also not known. Perhaps because she doesn’t wish to spread the secrets of the Stars, only wanting to fuel their mystery and wonder. Incessant facts bore her, though she knows they are necessary in places. She likes to believe in luck or destiny, like that of hers.
History
Family:
Mother -- Cedarsoul -- cream and brown mottled she-cat [dead]
Father -- Rockheart -- black and white patched tom [dead]
Brother -- Russet -- brown black and cream patched tom [dead]
Brother -- Thorneye -- black based tom with specks of white [banished]
Previous Mentor -- Pebblecloud -- grey sleek tom [dead]
Previous tagalong -- Onyxstorm -- well muscled black tom [warrior]
It was beneath the shelter of the Nursery Den, with that slightly tainted musk of birth shrouding them, upon a starry night that Cedarsoul gave birth to a litter of three. Both fathered by the respectable Rockheart, who, even though he appeared callous and too dignified (from which was born his name sake), did love Cedarsoul. Yet he never took part in raising, or conversing with his kits at all. At first it hurt Ivory to watch him just pass by and cast her one nonchalant glance, until she became accustomed to his demeanor, along with her two brothers Thorn and Russet. Once they had reached three moons, and had begun to develop their own views, they began to sprout apart. Having been close only because they shared blood and blindness, personalities hindered their friendship until Russet and Thorn broke away from cherishing Ivory. Ivory did do the same after realising she wasn’t wanted in her brothers bonds. At the time perhaps they were just singling her out because of gender, or having a different pelt, while theirs was mottled with patches of black and brown as well as white. However this childish discrimination only grew firmer with time. By four moons, Russet and Thorn had grown closer after learning they both pretty much shared the same views.
Foolishly, they began to conspire to mock Ivory in her ways. Whenever she playfully hunted imaginary prey, or groomed herself with as much dignity as she could muster to match her fathers poise. Amusement was found in whatever she would do. Yet this for some reason wasn’t enough. Entering their fifth moon, they began to go out of their way just to cause some hysterical humour amongst themselves. First by just tripping her over, then making her jump or catching her off guard, until they went as far as suddenly pinning her down while the other playfully hit her. Meant in a teasing way, Cedarsoul didn’t seem to mind, though the buffs from her stronger brothers did hurt. Ivory tried to muster different ways of defending herself against these… attacks, but she was prone to just making them laugh more. Refusing to cry over it she would cast them bored glances, with as much indignance as she could imitate from watching the warriors. Simply mirroring her expression hurt her, as they would then turn to each other and sneer. At six moons, before they were granted a mentor, Thorn and Russet feigned shock and outrage as they sped up to the leader at the time, Hawkstare. Weaving an intricate tale of how Ivory had left to deliberately spoil another warriors hunting.
Unfortunately for them, when asked to name the warrior they chose Pebblecloud, for not being old enough to declare they did not know. Hawkstare wisely told them to return to their mother, promising he would pursue the matter. Paying a visit to Pebblecloud, it turned out he hadn’t even left camp that day. Still Thorn and Russet were only mildly told off for their lies, as Hawkstare had more pressing matters and Cedarsoul was just too gentle to scold her kits as they appeared so down cast before her. What she did manage was to exclaim that Rockheart would be disappointed, without knowing that the couple had stopped caring about what their father thought a long time ago. Seasons turned violently, the temperature plummeting so childish mockery was forgotten in the kits battle to keep warm. One fateful morning Russet didn’t rise, only managing a feeble cough. His nose had been running the day before, with perpetual sneezes at intervals. The Healer couldn’t do anything about it, unable to prevent the illness from taking a hold of Russet and draining the life from him the next morning.
Cedarsoul was devastated, trembling with the shock and utter sorrow of what had happened. Her grief was the only thing that could rouse Rockheart into the den for the first time, to try and comfort her, reminding her of the fact that her two other kits were still going to make it to a Tagalong, as their mentors would be named soon. This did nothing to console the disconsolate queen.
Granted Pebblecloud as a mentor, Ivory trained raptly with him to distance herself from her remaining brother and depressed mother. Ardently soaking up each shred of knowledge, even offering to have extra sessions. While her brother Thorn was training with the strong warrior Stormthreat. Throwing herself in to discovering the ways of the warrior helped remove herself from her mothers presence. Yet at eleven moons Cedarsoul fell from a tall rock, crushing her ribs on another below. Her mauled body lay sprawled in an awkward position at the bottom, found by none other than the deputy at the time. Though the news was broken to her gently, in fragmented pieces rather than a story, Ivory hurt deeply. Cedarsoul had been the only parent she could rely on, trust. Their bonds had been firm.
While her father Rockheart made no comment, his heart chilled to an even colder void, vacuity heavily layering his eyes. Distance haunted each of his movements as he drew even deeper upon himself, barely muttering a word to even Ivory. Thorn hated him for it, saying he was flippant and didn't truly care. Around camp Thorn stalked with jaded steps, remaining his arrogant self.. And Thornpaw’s eyes… They pierced each being with searching depths. Rockheart was retired early from the duties of a full warrior, through lack of accomplishments with any of the duties he was set. Still, they both became warriors upon the same day, journeying to the Cave of Stars at a lunar eclipse to be bestowed with the suffix of their name. Those moons had separated them more than ever, and they didn’t even glance across, pretending there was no other figure to share the clarity of the night with.
Ivorybird gradually recovered from her loss, calming those frayed nerves over time, the chasm inset into her heart healing over. Granted the tagalong Onyx to train, his incessant good humour and optimistic view on things lightened her own demeanor. She trained him willingly, straining her abilities to make sure he came out as a decent warrior. Her efforts clearly didn’t go unnoticed. Upon one Sundance, the clear missing of one cat in particular allowed nerves to run high. Ivorybird did her best to remain calm and settle Onyx, though some strange electricity sparked in the air. Two solitary cats sped from the lingering shadows of the lush undergrowth, lungs heaving too heavily to draw out words before they had trembled with exhaustion for a few moments before Hawkstare. One finally spoke up. ”I am so… so sorry… Hawkstare. Brambleclaw has been… killed.” The one who had spoken collapsed, unable to sustain the energy it had taken to push that out. While that cat panted in the dirt, Hawkstare’s eyes blazed with contained fury, claws partly unsheathing. He had rested his solemn trust in his Coucillor. For his life to be torn from the Clan was a great loss. ”Tell me what happened.” cadence low with authority, Hawkstare rested his commanding gaze upon the other, regaining their breath. Pausing for just a few prolonged moments, the other lifted her head, not easily beaten down with threatening tones.
”We could do nothing. While out on a stroll another creature attacked, pushing Brambleclaw to the ground and tearing open his flesh. The sheer size… We could not have beaten that beast so…”
Hawkstare cut in front, torn between fury and understanding. Loosing his councillor was tough to have to bare, after Brambleclaw’s long time of dutiful serving. ”So you fled.” She she-cat simply nodded, eyes downcast in remorse. Hawkstare spun, venturing into his den until he was enveloped in oppressing darkness to contemplate. Ivorybird watched his retreating back, mildly angry at his lack of sympathy towards the two cats. At least they had made it back alive, not getting murdered themselves. Onyx turned to her, for once eyes widened with shock. Ivorybird turned away from his innocent eyes, clearly scouring for an answer. She had none. As the sun lowered in the sky, Hawkstare emerged, movements nonchalant. He spoke in a monotone, vocals almost absent as if they were being spoken automatically. ”You may not know, but I am on my last two lives, having been leading for a long time. So I have to carefully consider who will become Councillor, as they may be taking over sooner than anticipated.” Scanning the throng his eyes rested on Ivorybird. ”Ivorybird has proved herself fair and willing. She seems to play to her strengths and is not as proud as some of you, so she will be the new Councillor.” Shock and honour pulsed violently through her veins, the feeling blocking off her ability to form words. Out of the corner of her eye she sighted Thorneye, trying to smother his outrage at not being chosen. He was, after all, much stronger with more respect amongst those who viewed him as a battle scarred hero.
Ivorybird surprisingly settled well into her role, managing to adopt her own figure of authority amongst others when needed. Yet the fateful day did come when she had to give a direct order to her brother Thorneye, after he had just refused to go hunting. He snapped back, stealthily moving closer to her to try and intimidate his sister. Unfortunately that didn’t work, so they stood close head on, eyeing each other with distaste. ”You were always the different one, sister, but I never thought you’d even make it to a decent warrior. And now, you’ve taken my title as Councillor! I was meant to receive it! Now you’re bossing me about as if you’re all high and mighty.” His mockery, after all these years still hurt. Memories flickered back to her of her miserable days when she resided in the nursery, locking away tears. Cadence low with a warning tone she rose above him in her stature. ”Back down Thorneye. Hawkstare made the right decision not choosing you.” Others had gathered, profoundly curious in how the sibling rivalry would end. Thorneye sneered in fury, angered by her direct insult to her personality. Bunching his powerful hind muscles he surged forwards, attempting to knock her down. Ivorybird was expecting it, so swiftly swept her body to one side. At the last moment his claw closest to her swung out, clipping her with enough force to knock her off balance so they collided dramatically. Remembering all her excruciating sessions with Pebblecloud, Ivorybird wormed her way out to quickly dance about her brother, scathing him with her claws in quick succession. Bored of her agile games, once again Thorneye swung, quickly swiping back the other way, alternating claws as she dodged. For once they were both engaged in a battle where neither could sing ahead. Eventually, Ivorybird tired, Thorneye’s strength too much to put up with. As he pinned her, preparing to bite into her throat with glossy enamel, another force bowled him off. Producing teeth sliced clumsily into her foreleg, revealing muscle as he was torn away. Blood gushed from the wound, oozing into a vast pubble as Ivorybird lay in shock.
Someone had alerted Hawkstare of the fight. Deciding to deal with things himself, Hawkstare had reached them just in time to prevent Thorneye from killing his sister. Now they were grappling furiously in the turf. No matter how tired Thorneye may be, he was still stronger than the old leader, drawing blood from numerous deep scratches. The Healer loped to Ivorybird’s side as the fought, tending to her grave wound with nimble paws and effective herbs. No painkiller was offered, because Ivorybird’s own body was fighting back the wave of pain that would evidently come later. Pebblecloud leapt in to defend his leader, claws flaying wildly. No sooner had he managed to fervently protect Hawkstare from danger, Thorneye’s teeth struck home at the fragile throat, draining Pebblecloud of substance. Enraged by this careless act, warriors who had been motionless with curiosity and surprise broke forwards, pinning Thorneye so Hawkstare could rise above him. ”You are banished never to return, and I hope exile treats you as harshly as other lone wondering cats!” Released from his lock, Thorneye padded into the distance with as much dignity as was possible.
Shortly after Hawkstare lost a life from the drain on his resources. Ivorybird sat beside him unwavering as he talked meaninglessly of whatever he had to remember, occasionally advice blossoming from his jaws. As the warmth of night seeped into his bones, age was the cause of the loss of his last life. As age had killed her father, so youth had deserted Hawkstare as well. Ivorybird would now have to venture to the Cave of Stars for the second time on a lunar eclipse, to claim her nine lives.
|
Wait, you have read all that and survived ? Here, have a slice of pity cake.
But now the Aesop: If oyu RP, Do not abound in purple prose. Don't just write "*shrugs*" but also don't go overboard with "fluid motions" and other purple prose. We need some good, serious RolyPlaying here. And if you describe your character here - this is how it is not done.
YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.
((I hope I won't get in trouble for this... Should this be in GD or OT ?)) |
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
Jolene
Legendary Mashine
Joined: 29 Apr 2007
Posts: 6998
HP: 10 MP: 0 Lives: 0
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 7:51 pm
|
|
|
|
That's like... a big sign of a Mary Sue, if the physical description is more than a page. :X |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Gaseous Snake
Airrider
Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 126
HP: 95 MP: 10 Lives: 0
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 1:37 am
|
|
|
Sheesh, and I thought Rain was Sue-ish because she was very pretty, somewhat psychic, angelic in appearance, and impossible to miss seeing...from space.
Thanks for the heads-up. As an experienced RPer, it's that kind of performance that can really drive folks away from an RP. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Shadow Kingdom
Spell Seal
Burning
Joined: 04 Aug 2007
Posts: 12201
HP: 80 MP: 0 Lives: 3
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 1:41 am
|
|
|
|
That large linear construct of digital pixels forming words is far too vast for one of my stature, who is pressed for time. However, I have sighted just what it is you are trying to convey. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Token Nazi?
Zelnor
Joined: 01 Jul 2007
Posts: 6425
HP: 10 MP: 7 Lives: 1
|
| Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 11:44 am
|
|
|
|
My eyes are still bleeding. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Jolene
Legendary Mashine
Joined: 29 Apr 2007
Posts: 6998
HP: 10 MP: 0 Lives: 0
|
| Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 12:20 pm
|
|
|
|
I have a thread I just posted in RPOT that's eyebleed-worthy. ;>> ;<< |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Token Nazi?
Zelnor
Joined: 01 Jul 2007
Posts: 6425
HP: 10 MP: 7 Lives: 1
|
| Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 11:38 am
|
|
|
Jolene ? You... have bathed in purple prose ?
DO NOT WAAAAAAANT ! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Parabuzzy Queen
Macha
Joined: 18 Jun 2007
Posts: 11083
HP: 10 MP: 5 Lives: 0
|
| Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 4:21 pm
|
|
|
T...TL, DR... D:
*brain implodes*
Jeez, all that description for a freakin' cat? o_o' |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Jolene
Legendary Mashine
Joined: 29 Apr 2007
Posts: 6998
HP: 10 MP: 0 Lives: 0
|
| Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 8:28 pm
|
|
|
| Zelnor wrote: | Jolene ? You... have bathed in purple prose ?
DO NOT WAAAAAAANT ! |
... not purple prose. creepy sexual undertones perhaps, but not purple prose. o____o |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Token Nazi?
Zelnor
Joined: 01 Jul 2007
Posts: 6425
HP: 10 MP: 7 Lives: 1
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 11:58 am
|
|
|
|
Oookay... BTW, what about your german lessons ? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
MsDevin92
Joined: 23 Oct 2007
Posts: 47446
HP: 95 MP: 5 Lives: 0
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 12:00 pm
|
|
|
| Parabuzzy Queen wrote: | T...TL, DR... D:
*brain implodes*
Jeez, all that description for a freakin' cat? o_o' |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
I AM TAYL
Mona
Joined: 05 Aug 2007
Posts: 19351
HP: 85 MP: 0 Lives: 0
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 12:15 pm
|
|
|
Now, I know that we like to let people know what our characters look like, but that's freaking insane. I barely lived through that. The only reason I did was because I was looking forward to the cake. :<
-noms pity cake-
I like it when people are descriptive...but it barely even takes one paragraph to explain that kind of crap. Of course, I write walls of text...but hey. At least it doesn't take me 4 paragraphs to describe what a CAT looks like. That's ridiculous. o.o |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Medikoopa
Vampire
Joined: 08 Sep 2007
Posts: 29252
HP: 100 MP: 1 Lives: 3
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 4:42 pm
|
|
|
I have never heard of the term 'Purple Prose'.
But that example you gave us of a terrible roleplay-post/background is just... x-x; |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Jolene
Legendary Mashine
Joined: 29 Apr 2007
Posts: 6998
HP: 10 MP: 0 Lives: 0
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Wacko McGoose
Kichigai McGachoo
Jailed
Joined: 27 Jun 2007
Posts: 2020
HP: 10 MP: 0 Lives: 0
|
| Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 1:23 pm
|
|
|
|
I managed to translate "Wacko McGoose" into Japanese (look at my RP alt), but that long wall of text is unreadable! Space it out more, or use some [LB] tags, or something to make it easier to read! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group
|
|
|
