digibutter.nerr

[MsDevin92]

I don't want to sound like I'm emo. I really don't. It's just that I feel like everyone hates me. I've always felt like that, save for a few special people. And then when a single thing goes wrong, I'm afraid it's all going to break apart, because hating me seems so common that it must make liking me hard. It's why I can't take the insults. I think everyone is going to hate me.
And I feel so spoiled and wimpy now. I mean, I've got no really hard life. Bullying. *crag* that, it's common and a lame sob story. I don't have divorced parents, I've never been *cragged*, I've never had any trouble with gangs or drugs, I don't have any disabilities or illnesses. I have a happy and comfortable life in comparison to most. It makes every time I'm sad look like a slap in the face to what I've got, and then I just feel like a hateful bitch.
And I feel like such a doofus. I mean, I'm all wanting the world to be nicey-nice and happy, and I get all worked up and sad so easily. Why the *crag* can't I shrug it off like anyone else? I'm too nice to actually get anything done. That's what scares me. Nice guys finish last, if they finish at all.
Everything everyone said really hurt, you know. I made Engima mad, I made MALAK mad, I made I can't remember who else mad because I deleted all the messages. Medi's upset, Twytch is upset, Hario's upset, Cody's upset, Tessie's upset...All because of what I did. But if they hadn't paid any attention to me in the first place, none of the bad things would've affected them. It just keeps coming back to things being my fault in my mind because I can't prevent any of it, no matter how hard I try or what I do. It makes me feel hopeless.
For a moment, I wanted everyone to hate me. I figured they'd be better off than liking me. It wasn't fair that everyone was defending me and sad for me when they've got worse things going on or other people don't get the same treatment. Who am I to be so nice and empathetic and get all the love when other people are in bad predicaments? It makes me feel like this selfish, bloated attention whore.
Do I really make things seem like they're all about me? I don't MEAN to, I really don't. It just keeps coming back that way. It's my fault. My fault. I can't get it out of my head.

I'M SORRY. Okay? I want to stop feeling like this, but I CAN'T. Not completely. I try to focus on being happier and block it out, but I CAN'T. It all just comes back to the circle again and I keep slipping. I don't want any of this.

LudwigVonKoopa, I need to say this. The reason I 'ignore' you is because I thought you hated me. Ever since you called my Tutu alt a whore and said my roleplaying was phale. I can't take jokes like that. It's another one of my *crag* lame issues. Whenever it's a negative statement, I automatically think that they're saying it because they mean it, and it can't be a joke because hurtful words aren't used jokingly unless it's a joke, which you can never detect unless it's obvious sarcasm, which you can't do here because it's the Internet anyway.

Enigma, MALAK, and anyone else I got mad at me, I'm sorry again. I just felt like you were wasting your time on a losing case. I thought that making you hate me was the only way to get you to start being happy and acting like your old selves again.

Glitz...I still don't know what to say to you. I really did think you were epic, you know. I liked hanging out and chatting with you. But then you started making comments about me being spoiled and lame and how that you could build a whole 'pile of hatred' against me. And my mind automatically worked it out that that had to all be true because if everything was right there wouldn't be any possible way for anyone to say things like that. Again, I feel like you hate me.

I'm really trying not to sound spoiled, okay? But I get upset too easily and then people get worried and if I don't say anything they just get more and more concerned and then people I'm in bad situations with get on THEIR backs because they were concerned and I feel worse for getting them all involved in the first place.

The reason I feel like I'm hurting the community is because I always hear about these good old days when Digibutter was, like, an Internet heaven. I liked it when I came here, but then I hear people complain about the problems. I obviously wasn't here back then, but since I just came and I find out that people aren't happy soon after, I associate the problems with my coming to the site. I can't help it. Blaming things on anyone else doesn't feel right. If you don't mind a bit of stupid philosophy, I say it's better to wound yourself than to wound another.

I never understood this whole elitist thing. I just liked roleplaying because I didn't do very well in anything else on the site. With the roleplaying, the possibilities were practically endless. I was ashamed of the high post count I got. I didn't think it was anything impressive (the only post number I thought was important was over 9000, obviously because of the meme). Then I began feeling bad because it seemed to be something important, and I felt like I had shoved a bunch of people who deserved it out of the way with senseless RPing. Things like CFH's one sig about post count and whatever made me feel like a glutton, a hog, etc.
Being called an RPOTTY or whatever stung because it felt like being called a geek or a bookworm, and everything else I'd been called in life because I liked a certain thing.

I know the whole cycle will start up again later, and people will end up getting upset and sad and everything, and I'll probably go emo, but the fact is that I can't seem to change myself enough to do any better good than I hope I will by apologizing, trying to explain myself, and begging for forgiveness. Which I'm trying to do now.

As for the actual matter that went on today, I guess you all deserve an attempt at an explanation. I was feeling upset because I was ill, which always makes me sad. I've been TRYING to feel completely happy lately, but then something I can't control makes me sad, and the fact that I'm getting sad makes me more upset. So things kept going downhill, and I eventually came onto digi because I wanted to try and cheer up. When I saw Frozen's post, I felt bad because I really liked her, and it was if my being an RPOTTY or whatever had pushed her away from me. Then everyone got into a huge argument on my account, which made me feel worse. At first I just felt guilty about things I couldn't control, but the comments everyone else made just made me help myself, and I felt needed to make them hate me and push them away so it would all finally stop.

That's it. I've got nothing else. I just want to sort all of this out.
In conclusion, I'm sorry I'm overdramatic and can't take anything bad. I just want all the other bad things to stop.

P.S.: Medi, Hario, Twytch, Mr. I, Tessie, Cody, simsmagic, and everyone else who tried to make me feel better, thank you.

[Silver~]

Oh, so I go unmentioned?
That doesn't matter, don't want to start THAT up again!
Well, as long as you're feeling better, all is well..........

[MsDevin92]

And now I feel guilty for not having mentioned you. I'm not trying to blame you. I'm sorry, but I already said. I felt like you hated me.

[Silver~]

[Cherry]

You have no idea how much reading this post has relieved me and set my mind at ease. I thought I'd never see you ever again.

Devin, all I can say now is thank you so much for this and for everything...

And... well... not to seem self-centered, but, you're welcome.

I hope we can put this whore mess behind us.

[Celeste Dimentia]

I wish you had MSN or Skype or something so I could have talked to you. But wait, there's PMs, and Mister I said he did that. I should have done that...

Well, everyone doesn't hate you. I definitely don't hate you, so 'everyone' is ruled out. And obviously the ones who tried to make you feel better. I've been depressed and suicidal, but it's like, I have no genuinely great reason, right? Today I think I've JUST pulled out, but I might fall in again. I hope that doesn't happen with you, though.

[MsDevin92]

I know, but like I said. I saw the topics complaining about post counts and RPOTTIES. You posted in them, so I thought you agreed.

TSSG3: Of course.

CD: That's what I'm scared of. I know I might not fall completely back in again, but I know I can't stay completely out, either.

[Sumakima Josindu]

[MsDevin92]

Also, another, smaller rant. I really hate the insults about my RPing being spam or crappy. I love writing. I really do. I feel so tightly tied to it, but then the insults about it...they just sting. It's a real kick in the face to me.

[Celeste Dimentia]

[Alexio]

You don't have to apologize for anything at all. It really should be the other way around.

[Ligador]

Thanks for the non-youtag mention. But, I see this time around it's not at the best of the spots, so my apologies. But, of course, I didn't make the joke. And, either way, you don't have to blame on you for that joke being made; if ShadowArticuno was on the top, the joke would be the same... Except he's male so it's not funny. Damn, somehow, I feel bad for saying it was bad now.

But, I will admit, I have contributed to that. I have been very critic about some topics of yours in OT. But, I'm short-tempered and intolerant as that compulsively; it's from my nature, it's from my life. IRL, I live among idiots, and if I started to act here like I act there, I'd pass from ignored to uber hated. So you guys can be glad that here I can at least control myself a bit.

[MALAK]

Sorry that I got mad, it's just that no matter how hard I tried to make you feel better, you just continued acting like nobody cares about you. And that pisses me off, I've done it many times before and I feel like I was a huge jackass back then. ._.

[Spiny]

As you can see in the past posts and topics,the site went to hell when you took your seemingly permanent leave.

This shows that not only are we all overdramatic about alot of things,but it shows you are an important part of this machine we call Digibutter.
ONE part disappears,and the whole thing *crag*ing explodes.

[Steve]

Understandable. And sorry if I was a total jek earlier, I just randomly have mood-swings sometimes ._.;