Jolene
Legendary Mashine
Joined: 29 Apr 2007
Posts: 6998
HP: 10 MP: 0 Lives: 0
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 Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 7:28 pm
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OK. I'm working on a novel, I'm about 3/4 through it and even though I love the plot and characters I'm very bad at actually writing them. So right now I'm kind of going on a short story spree in order to improve, then I'll finish out the novel that I have, then go back from the start and tear it apart.
But there is one part that is SO BAD I NEED TO TEAR IT APART RIGHT NOW. So someone needs to tell me how to fix it.
I think it's good up to the last line, honestly. o___O That's where youuu come in, better-writer-than-me's.
The background is that there are two teenagers standing around in front of a gas station, where they would usually be working at night shift but they're on a break. There's been a crime outbreak, and police are patrolling the area. The teen that's narrating is a vampire, and "Matt" isn't. He doesn't know that the narrator is, and the police don't either. Most of the people in this universe don't believe in vampires.
My issue is Matt's flat reaction, and the fact that the police don't come. So I need someone to rewrite the reaction of Matt and the police, and I'll rewrite the rewrite and put it in there. o_O If that even makes sense.
So... here goes.
The crazy vampire--no, not even a vampire, because they could think and talk like people--the crazy bloodsucker, saw he couldn’t go for my head anymore, so he raked his nails down my forearm causing slashes to appear and blood to run down. And, even though I really didn't want to do it (even though there wasn't much else to do), my arms reflexively went down. The bat cracked down on his head, not hard because I'm not very strong, but enough to stun him for a second. Before I knew what else I was doing, I was voluntarily smacking him over the head with the bat, over and over again, yelling out like a madman. "Bad! Bad! No! You crazy monster! You might have been one of us once, but you're not anymore! Stop it! I'm not going to stop beating you until you stop it!!" Matt stared at me, wide-eyed, unsure what was going on. |
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