digibutter.nerr

[Lord Bowser]

Actually, thousands of people die each year from doing barrel rolls. Many of these people have not recovered from their serious injuries.

As humans, it is our job to spread the dangers of the deadly practice called "the barrel roll." Several thousand children were taught last year. But some... weren't as fortunate.

One of the victims, Alan, was only 15 years old during his first and only barrel roll. His friends kept pushing him, but he didn't do a barrel roll. Some of his friends were reported to be addicted to barrel rolls, and are said to have done over 9,000 of them. But Alan was the outcast. They pushed him, against his will, to do a barrel roll. His account of the barrel roll was as followed:

"At first, I didn't like it. They were everywhere, and I was helpless. I couldn't handle all of them at once. In only a matter of seconds, took advantage of me and made me do a barrel roll. At first, it seemed wrong. I didn't feel hydrated as they claimed I would feel. But then, I felt a small and tingly sensation that flowed throughout my body. It was as if rain had filtered down through my whole self until I could shout, 'Come on world, I'll have you for breakfast!' It was magical, like I was receiving pure pleasure. But then, I hit a boulder and fell down faster than a Fire Sumo."

Alan's father, Mr. Volcano, has this to say about his son:

"This is madness! I had no idea that mah boy was under attack by the evil forces of these barrel rolls! I personally believe that every parent should speak with their children about barrel rolls as soon as possible. I have full regret for not telling my son about those wicked things earlier. As a parent, I am very lucky that Alan is still alive, but he will be crippled for a very long time."

Beloved scientist Dr. Robotnik believes that barrel rolls are a disease to society that is spreading like a wildfire. He is one of the many caring adults of the "Sonic Sez Institution," who take time in spreading their positive message to schools across the globe. The message goes as it is written:

"Kids, there is nothing cooler than being hugged by someone you like. But if someone tries to make you do a barrel roll, that's NO good! It's your body. No one has the right to make you do a barrel roll if you don't want them to. So, what do you do? First, you say 'no.' Then, you get out of there! Most important, you've got to tell someone you trust, like your parent, your teacher, or police officer."

I repeat my word once more, about 9,000 kids each year must die from barrel rolls, perhaps even over 9,000. Mama and Papa Luigi's, talk to your children about barrel rolls today.

[Black Yoshi]

I LOL'D. HARD.

[Mona]

That was the most epic yet depressing thing I've read all day.

POOR ALAN. D:

[Super Postman]

Cookied for Truth.

[Goron Mask]

Win

[Super Slim]

[MsDevin92]

What the hell.
But awesome nonetheless.

[Dark Prognosticus]

XD Awesome.

[Small Sammer Guy]

Epic win

[Anti-Guy]

[Mantis15]

EPIC

[Geno]

This should be on national news. Seriously. XD

[Frozenwinters]

XD Awesome.

[Abstract]

Oh God. XD Win.

[Paper Peach]

Oh god I ied XD That was so epic