There's only one
Chin Fish
Vampire
Joined: 18 Apr 2007
Posts: 21294
HP: 71 MP: 6 Lives: 2
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 Posted: Mon Aug 03, 2009 5:02 pm
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I got bored while waiting for guys to get online to stream HL1
So I told a story
Figured I should post it too
| Quote: | Chin Fish: The RED base has chickens. They keep them in a coop out back. (BLU has a still. This means RED always has fresh breakfast, once in a while some soup or even, on special occasions, fried chicken for dinner, and BLU always has a plentiful supply of liquor distilled from the grain left in the silos from before the base was "repurposed.")
Chin Fish: Scout's usually one of the first up, taking a morning run as soon as the sun shows over the horizon, so at the end of his exercise he gathers up the eggs and turns them over to Pyro for cooking while he grabs a quick nap before the others wake up and they have breakfast together.
Chin Fish: One of the hens is speckled. Her name is Speckled Hen. She's the only one who will never, ever be made into soup, because she is the only one who never, ever pecks at Scout's hand while he's gathering up the eggs.
Chin Fish: Not all of the eggs get scrambled, of course. That's no way to run a self-sustaining chicken coop. In fact, Speckled Hen, as the motherliest one, is often allowed to keep her eggs and roost on them.
Chin Fish: This means, inevitably, that come spring, there are little baby peep-peeps.
Chin Fish: The day the little baby peep-peeps hatch, Scout isn't even aware of it. He's been stopping by Speckled Hen's roost long enough to scratch her behind the head a little on his jog back to the kitchen, but he doesn't really stick around long enough to pay attention before handing the eggs off and slumping on a hay bale for a snooze.
Chin Fish: When he wakes up, he finds Speckled Hen on his chest, feathers fluffed out in birdy contentment... and a good baker's dozen of little bundles of yellow puffball clustered under and around her.
Chin Fish: "Aw, *crag* hell," he says, which wakes them all up.
PSI Ph1r3: cocks
Chin Fish: He is now stuck on his back under a pile of chirping baby peep-peeps.
Elzilcho: scout is mother
Chin Fish: Scout manages to brush the peep-peeps off his chest - carefully, you don't want to hurt the little things - and then looks around nervously to make sure nobody saw him being nice to the things, because come the *crag* on that'd just ruin his image. Scout being nice? For serious. Come the *crag* on, man.
Chin Fish: He can hear Pyro shouting muffledly and banging a spoon against a plate - breakfast is ready - but as he starts to sprint down to get some food, the peep-peeps just follow him. He shoos them away repeatedly, and Speckled Hen does her speckled-hen best to herd them - she's an obedient little thing for a chicken - but one of them just won't stop following him.
Chin Fish: *crag*.
Chin Fish: If he leaves it there it'll get stepped on. If he carries it around he looks like a *crag* sap.
Chin Fish: So he picks it up and tucks it under his hat.
Chin Fish: Heavy passes by just then, and Scout studiously ignores him, because he doesn't say good morning to people because he's a Masshole.
Chin Fish: But the peep-peep in his hat has other ideas. "Peep! Peep!"
Chin Fish: "Shut the *crag* up!" Scout tells his hat automatically, which just draws Heavy's attention to the fact that it is peeping.
Chin Fish: It also makes the peep-peep peep more, and that gets all the other peep-peeps peeping. Peep peep peep peep peep, a dozen tiny peep-peeps running toward him, flocking around his feet, and Speckled Hen bringing up the rear.
Chin Fish: Holy *crag* *crag* -
Elzilcho: wat
Chin Fish: Heavy's just a big *crag* kid, you know, and he sees those peep-peeps and goes all to pieces. "THEY ARE SO SMALL!" he shouts in his huge booming Russian voice, and the peep-peeps go still and terrified around Scout's feet, as the kid tries to dance around them and not step on any of them.
Chin Fish: Medic comes around the corner - he's always nearby when you see Heavy, after all, especially when they've just gotten out of bed - and makes a face that would get Scout cracking up if he weren't trying not to step on the *crag* chickens. "NO! DON'T BOZZER ZEM! YOU AH STRESSINK ZEM OUT!"
Chin Fish: Oh, *crag*, it's a *crag* circus now.
Chin Fish: "Eeee! Ww hwmph pheepheephs!" from the doorway, and Scout looks up - almost overbalancing as he tiptoes backwards away from the pile of peep-peeps - to see that, oh, *crag* hooray, Pyro and Engineer are watching, too.
Chin Fish: (Meanwhile, Sniper's in the kitchen eating all the scrambled eggs.)
Elzilcho: damn sniper
Chin Fish: The only thing that saves him from being completely embarrassed by the whole situation (those of you who don't see what cause he has to be embarrassed have never been a barely-out-of-his-teens Masshole boy) is the perimeter alert going off, air raid sirens everywhere, giving him an excuse to jump out of the mass of chickens and giving everyone else a distraction as they run to grab weapons and head toward the front.
Chin Fish: Scout's halfway to the point when his hat says "Peep-peep!" again.
Chin Fish: Aww, Jesus Christ.
Chin Fish: "Shhhh!" he says to his hat -
Chin Fish: "I HEAR 'IM!" from the other side of the stack of crates he's hiding behind, and now 'aww, Jesus Christ' ain't even strong enough. *crag* *crag* *crag*.
Elzilcho: inb4headshot
Chin Fish: *crag* *crag* *crag* - he can't go fighting with a *crag* chicken in his hat - *crag* *crag* *crag* -
PSI Ph1r3: inb4spah
Chin Fish: Scout whips his hat off and kneels, shaking the chicken out onto the ground - get, you little yellow bastard, get get get I gotta get my gun - and a bullet pings off the wall behind him as the enemy comes around the corner and -
Chin Fish: Stops dead. "A BABY CHICKEN!"
Chin Fish: Scout just looks up, frozen.
Chin Fish: The BLU Scout's just standing there grinning at the *crag* peep-peep. "GUYS THEY GOT A BABY CHICKEN COME SEE IT!"
Chin Fish: The *crag* the *crag* the *crag* -
Chin Fish: The little guy takes off - the chicken, I mean, not the Scout, they're both just staring, RED staring at BLU and BLU staring at the chicken - tiny little peep-peep legs propelling him out into the field, and the entire BLU team is weaving around him, entranced by the unexpected cuteness of a peep-peep in the middle of a fight.
Chin Fish: The peep-peep doesn't seem scared. Naw, that little fuzzy bastard's eatin' it up, standing right on the center of the point while the BLUs crowd around cooing and going on about how *crag* adorable he is.
Chin Fish: Chicken hatched on a RED base apparently counts as RED team, though.
Chin Fish: *crag* peep-peep caps it.
Chin Fish: Sniper never gets the fuss over the bloody bird. It's cute enough, he guesses, but it's just another dinner-in-waiting. Waste of a damned good breakfast egg, if you ask him. No reason to get attached to it.
Chin Fish: Besides, the puffball's one hell of a good way to pick on Scout, and the little bastard deserves it.
Chin Fish: So one morning - just a couple of days after peep-peep *crag* capped it, and already the chick's a fixture in Scout's cap - Sniper's playing keepaway with it.
PSI Ph1r3: OH NOOOOO
Chin Fish: "Gimme back my *crag*' bird!"
Chin Fish: "It's just an egg way past its freshness date, mate - "
Chin Fish: "Gimme back my *crag*' bird!"
Chin Fish: Sniper's taller, holding the chick up over his head, grinning, and it takes a good five, six hops for Scout to get hold of it; then HE'S the one playing keepaway, Sniper snatching at his hands, Scout cussing - he cusses a lot, but he *crag* means it this time, *crag*, leave his *crag* bird alone - until Sniper makes a lucky swipe and the peep-peep gets knocked out of Scout's hands to the floor.
Elzilcho: sniper is the real asshole
Chin Fish: Crunch.
Chin Fish: "Sorry, mate," says Sniper, not sounding very sincere, but Scout doesn't even stop long enough to pop him in the eye. The *crag* west wind has nothing on that boy as he scoops the peep-peep up and goes flying, feet flashing out, barely touching the ground, tiny ball of fluff cradled carefully in his tape-wrapped hands.
Chin Fish: "MEDIC! MEDIC! I NEED A *crag* MEDIC HEAH!"
Chin Fish: Where the *crag* are they where the *crag* are they HIS *crag* PEEP PEEP IS *crag* DEAD IN HIS *crag* HANDS OH *crag* CHRIST -
PSI Ph1r3: ;_;
Chin Fish: Well, they're kind of busy shooting shit, aren't they? It is, after all, a *crag* battle zone.
Elzilcho: ;;
Chin Fish: "MEDIC!" Scout's dancing around him, holding the peep-peep like a national treasure. "MEDIC, MY *crag* BIRD - "
PSI Ph1r3: peep peeeeeeeeeeep
Chin Fish: "I am BUSY, Scout," says Medic tersely, keeping the beam from his medigun carefully centered on Heavy. Heavy would probably care about the peep-peep but he's too busy with Sascha, too busy completely *crag* failing to cut down the oncoming BLUs.
Chin Fish: "MY *crag* BIRD," Scout repeats, and Medic just ignores him.
Chin Fish: "MY *crag* BIRD," Scout intends to repeat, but he gets stuck on the F.
Chin Fish: He rolls the tiny feathery weight of the chick over into his left hand and snaps his pistol out into his right. *crag* this, *crag* them, *crag* everybody, his *crag* bird is *crag* dead in his *crag* hand and it's *crag* everybody else's *crag* fault, *crag* THEM ALL.
Chin Fish: CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK, dropping the BLU Demo, their Engineer, their Medic, their Scout falling out of mid-leap. CRACK CRACK CRACK, down goes Heavy, Sniper up on a balcony just barely in pistol range, Pyro trundling up from the rear. CRACK, RED's own Sniper falling to reveal it was BLU's Spy.
Chin Fish: "THERE, YOU *crag* COCKFAG," he snarls at Medic. "I DID HEAVY'S *crag* JOB FOR HIM, NOW DO YOURS AND FIX MY *crag* CHICKEN."
Chin Fish: The rest of the team is just staring at him. Even Medic, grip on the medigun loosened, beam turned off - until Scout wags the pistol at him. "FIX MY *crag* BIRD."
Chin Fish: He does, of course, training the medibeam on the sad little fluffball in Scout's hand.
Chin Fish: BLU Demo sits up.
Chin Fish: Scout turns his arm without turning his head. CRACK.
Elzilcho: KA BEWM
PSI Ph1r3: OH NOOOOO
Chin Fish: Was it too late? How long should it take to heal a peep-peep? Shouldn't it be better by now? Oh god, is it dead? It's really *crag* dead, isn't it? *crag* shit Christ *crag* *crag* -
PK Flar3: ):
Chin Fish: "Peep? Peep-peep. Peep peep peep peep peep peep - "
Chin Fish: As the peep peep sits up, looking sort of confused, all of Scout's tough-guy attitude isn't enough to keep him from grinning. He isn't even aware of the looks from the rest of the team - shocked by both his unprecedented marksmanship and his unprecedented show of affection - as he tucks the PPK away and reaches out a finger to delicately stroke the little yellow feathers.
PSI Ph1r3: PEEP PEEEEEEEEP
Chin Fish: "There ya go, little guy," he says softly as he walks back toward the base. "They ain't never gonna hurt you again."
Chin Fish: He stops just long enough to pop Sniper in the eye.
Chin Fish: The end.
PSI Ph1r3: heh
Chin Fish: ok that was fun |
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