ZarJaMar Presents:
A growing probem...[Warning: Long Story ahead]
...this will actually be the first time I've ever told ANYONE about this...I guess it's easier to talk to strangers than to people you know after all...my hands are shaking uncontrollably as I type this...words cannot describe how nervous and vulnerable I feel at this moment...
WARNING: In the story below, I get rather long winded and talk about things that...well, a minority of people, especially here, feel or have felt. It may become a little clearer if you read my little biography, but if you want to skip ahead, feel free. Just look for the next bold message.
Back in high school, my junior year, I was 6'1" and weighed 165 lbs. I was toned, I was fit, and I was very active in sports, specifically track, soccer and the school's martial arts club. Come my senior year, my family didn't have the money to renew my physical, so it was no sports for me. With no sports, I had no reason to exercise By the end of the year, I had gained 10 pounds.
This was a foreign concept to me, the boy who was always so think he was compared to a pencil all the time. I had weighed 165 since I was in middle school, despite how I ate and how I exercised. Now, I was 175, 10 pounds of fat right there in my midsection. This is the first time I've ever really been...well...tubby. I wasn't overweight by any means, but I definitely wasn't in top shape anymore.
At first, I hated it. I started looking for pictures of obese people to spur me into loosing weight. It horribly backfired. Instead of disgusted, I became curious. I've always had the curiosity in one way, shape or form - in high school, I found myself making friends with the ones that were often seen as over weight and found myself staring at the bellies of others; this is the first time I've actually thought of actually being fat myself. I mean, so many of those people looked happy, grabbing at their belly, getting it painted, having other people pat it and touch it...it made me look at it in a completely different light. I wanted to know what more felt like.
I started gaining weight on purpose. I had gained 10 pounds in my first year of trying. Then I had actually stumbled upon websites that supported gaining weight, inflation, all for the sake of happiness and sexuality. I remember thinking, "People think this is sexy?". My mind flipped. I had never once thought of myself as attractive when I was skinny...I had started wondering what these people would think of me. I didn't care if the site was pointed towards gay men, the site had a few women on there, too. I joined.
The reaction I received was never anticipated. Responses came pouring in. "That's a cute belly you have, I can't wait to see what you look like at 200." - "Would you be interested in a feeding session?" - "I've got some advise on gaining weight if you're interested" along with many others. I was hooked. These people liked me. They thought my body was sexy and the fact that I was willing to grow more turned them on. I had even created a persona - one that was two years older than I was, making me 21 at the time rather than 19, and that was gay, since I got the most responses that way. Thus, David Orisons was born, aka 'TigerGuy108'. I didn't care, I wanted the attention. Lord knows I didn't get it from the ladies when I was fit. Might as well get it from men when I'm fat, even if I had no interest in going further than a conversation with them. Hell, to a point, it was turning me on. Watching as I went from being barely able to eat 4 double cheeseburgers in one sitting to 6, then 8, then 10. The feeling was intense!
In the next year I had gained 45 pounds, putting me at an even 230. My mind was warped, my body was unfit, and I constantly looked like I was pregnant. It wasn't until I finally hit that bench mark that my mind finally clicked. "What the hell have I been doing to my body?!" I signed up for the military, the Air Force Reserves to be exact. It took me 3 months, but I eventually made the weight cut - I got myself back down to 200 pounds. During basic I had lost an additional 15, bringing me down further to 185. When it came time to get to Technical training for my job, I was probably in the best shape I've been in my life. I was one of the swiftest people in my squadron, within the top 5 out of 40 people. During technical training, I had gained 5 pounds, but I was still beating my old records. That was 5 pounds of muscle I was adding. I was genuinely happy for the first time in a long time.
When I came home, my parents already noticed a big difference in me. For the first month I kept up my regimen. After that, I started relaxing, getting back into my old habits. Then I found the website again. "Hey, it's been a while. Is everything okay?" - "It's almost been a year now, I bet you're already twice as big as you were." - "You should send me a message sometime, I can't wait to hear from you." Even after a year, these people were still trying to get a hold of me. My heart sank. How could I tell them that I quit being a gainer? That I wasn't who they thought I was? I couldn't. Some of these people I considered my friends, I would never feel the same if I lost them.
I created a ruse, told them that I had been sick the whole summer, made me loose my weight and that it brought me down to 190, almost to where I started. I had been caught in a lie: If I don't show progress, they won't believe me and will stop talking to me. I started bloating with water, milk, anything I could find. I even started gorging myself on live webcams. People were offering to pay me to eat, started asking if I could be in a relationship with them. I had people falling in love with me. No, not with me, with David Orisons. I actually had a person willing to pay for a ticket so I could spend a week with him. Before I knew it, I had dug myself back into my hole again, and it's far deeper than before. There were several times where I would stop and loose 15 pounds in the period of one month, but I would easily be brought back into my curiosity.
Story is over, please continue to read.
I am 6'1, 22 years old, and I weigh 227 pounds. I have a BMI of 29.9 and a Body Fat Percentage of 28.31%. Right now, I am considered clinically obese. I can't take this. I won't take this, but I now realize that I can't do this alone. I've prayed long and hard and I feel that in my heart this is the place I can go. You are the people I can talk to. That you people can inspire me in ways I would never be able to on my own. I have developed a goal, I have developed a methodology. What I need is the motivation to keep going, the kind words to keep me from falling back into my old ways again. I'm NOT David Orisons, I am Jaime Daniel de Salazar y Martinez, and I will not take this lying down.
I'm not a fool, I'm fairly sure that my 165 weight is forever gone to me, but my goal is go get back down to at least 175 and to bring my Body fat down to 15%.
I will be writing in a journal, taking notes on what I eat, how much I exercise, and doing regular measurements/photos to show my progress. Before I was able to loose 13 pounds in a month without being dedicated to my regimen past the first week while still maintaining a healthy diet full of nutrients, imagine what I can do if I remain diligent?
As I said before...this will have been the first time I've every shared this with anyone...please don't tell me I made a mistake. I really need your help.
