digibutter.nerr

[Popple]

I wrote this for a class.

It was supposed to be about seeing nature through a Romantic writers eyes.

Like Poe and Irving, not like the genre.

So I wrote something about the monotony and daily routine we are all caught up in and referred to it as a prison so it sounds more angsty and edepressing.

HAPPINESS

-------------------------------------

Tick Tock
Spinning Clock
Endless cycling
Never stops

Tick Tock
Tick Tock

Our lives pertain
No beginning to end
Guided by time
Not by any man
Unflinching we ride
On the whirling hand

Tick Tock
Tick Tock

The light cries out
With a deafening roar
It mourns for our freedom
Yet we listen no more

We ride on the Clock
New day to day’s end
Content with our lives
Monotony sets in
Yet no conflict within

No sound but the ticking
No sight but the clock
Outside it rings free
But contained we remain
Content with our prison
Never do we complain

Tick Tock
Tick Tock

The Clock draws to an end
You regret what you did
You take back what you said
But there are no retries
The clock never turns back
Past burdens now bear
Your heart does now tear


The end now draws near
You cry out in fear
Trapped in your cage
You flail in rage

The final hour strikes
You glance toward the light
What could have been
You lash out in spite
But you’ve no more hope
Last glimpse at true life

The roar comes to a close
The Clock unopposed
Your dreams of peace
All is now ceased

Never to leave the Clock
Or it’s endless toil
You lost your chance
It left with your coil
Tick Tock
Tick Tock

[Spiny]

You succeded in giving it angst.
It was an exceptional poem.[/asskissinggentlman]

[Popple]

K thx.

[Anti-Guy]

...In all seriousness, I think the idea is very good, but certain things coudl be changed...
...Im nto asking you to change ti, but this is what I would do...
....Usually I would have the end be different, with the Tick tock spacing be only "Tick Tock" but at the end, "Tick Tock
Tick Tock"...
...also, I would keep the spacing of the seperations different(the Tick Tock), I would have done every 2 stanzas consistency...
...also, I noticed that the lines began short, then ending quite heavy in comparison...
...Whether purposely or not, I think unless much more gradual, that can tend to look sloppy...
...personally I see the best composed part as the two lines stated below...

"No sound but the ticking
No sight but the clock "
...Generally as a poem I thought it to be decent...
...form a strictly professional stand-point:6.75/10...
~White Shy Guy

[Popple]

This is the first time I've ever taken a serious shot at poetry, so the critique is very appreciated.

[Anti-Guy]

...That's my strong point, I guess, not much good at anything else :/...
...But I'm too shy to put my stuff on Digi...

But on topic,I'm curious, when was the assignment assigned, and how long did it take to stitch this together?
~White Shy Guy

[Popple]

I did this in like half an hour.