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Hey [you]! If you haven't noticed, this is now the old digibutter forums. Go over to the new site!
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It's Hi-Technicaaal!
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Jolene Legendary Mashine
Joined: 29 Apr 2007 Posts: 6998
HP: 10 MP: 0 Lives: 0
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Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 6:29 am
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Here's the beginning of a play that Jolene has been working on~ It was a novel at first, then she got bad writers block and thus is trying to overcome the writers block by transforming the novel into a play~ It's a fabulous play in my opinion, mostly because I'M in it~
Right now it's three and one-half scenes long, but it is going to be much longer and she will probably have to cut lots of parts out of it~ I was going to post the first three scenes, but I decided to include the half-scene too because that's where most of MY dialogue is, and MY dialogue is of course the best part~
But if you have any constructive criticism, please.. uh... constructively criticize with it~ Don't just say "I love it" or "I hate it" please~ Tell us WHY~ and how it can be IMPROVED~
Scene One
(The scene opens with a single spotlight on a single park bench in the center of the stage. A rain sound plays. On the park bench sits Darien, under an umbrella. He is leaning on a grey backpack and writing something down on a piece of notebook paper.)
Darien (murmuring) Dear Daphne, I have something very important to tell you, and I regret that I couldn’t say it in person. If I gave you the details, you wouldn’t believe a word of it, so I’m going to give you the basic rundown. But first, there are a few things you have to promise me. First of all, don’t tell anyone. I mean, you can tell Chris, just don’t let a w word of this leak out to my parents. Don’t let anyone get the police involved. If I see myself on the news, I will get the snot beaten out of you. Anyway, I’m leaving. The town, and the state, and maybe even the country. Something happened, and I don’t know where or when, and I can’t really tell you… like I said, you’d never believe me if I did. I would show you if I could, but there’s not enough time for that. I just have a really big problem and I need to go away to get it all sorted out. Maybe I’ll find you again if I get the chance, but for now I just need to get out of here. I’m not quite sure where I’ll stay, but I do know that I’ll be alright, and I want you to remember that I’ll miss you. Snowball is coming with me, so at least that’s taken care of, and… (looks up and notices the audience) Oh, hi. I didn’t realize I was being watched. I guess I should tell you guys my story too then… but if you don’t want to hear it, you can go I guess, I’m used to being ignored, so… well, maybe I should introduce myself? My name is Darien, and I guess I could say I’m sixteen years old. I’m vegan because I love animals; my favorite animals are rabbits and I have one named Snowball. I like reading, especially fantasy, and I like playing Dungeons and Dragons, and track is my favorite sport. I have to cook my own food a lot since I’m vegan, so I’ve grown to really like cooking too. Blue and orange are my favorite colors, and people tell me I act like a hippie. Oh, yeah, and I’m the Supreme Overlord of the Undead. …yeah, I know, you don’t have to tell me. I guess I could say I’ve learned a lot from being a vampire. I learned that I really only need a few sips of blood a week to stay strong, but that I still need human food too, actually. I learned that I have powers like hypnosis and super speed, and I learned about the underground vampire society. I also learned that as cool as it sounds, being a king, especially a king of the undead… it really, really sucks. So I guess I should explain how a dorky high school kid like me became king, and why it sucks so much, huh? Well, it’s a long story… I should probably put my letter away so it doesn’t get wet… (goes to put his letter into his backpack; the curtains close on him)
Scene Two
(On the stage right there is a podium, with General LaRue standing at it; on the stage left there is a row of fifteen chairs, with all of the secretaries sitting in them, starting with Major Kiran and Secretaries Kiriga, Molena, St. James and Lavaste in that order. In the very front row on the left of the audience sit the officers in a row, any order; in a random spot in one of the back rows on the right of the audience sits Darien with his backpack, sipping from a half-gallon carton of orange juice. The General, Major and Officers are in formal army uniforms, while all of the Secretaries are in formalwear; Darien wears a t-shirt and jeans instead.)
General LaRue And now, the Parliament commences. As usual, we shall begin with a young vampire who has been elected to challenge Lord Coulter in attempt to take his position as lord; if you are this young vampire, please come forward.
Darien (closes up the carton and gets up from his spot, taking the carton and the backpack with him and walking up the center aisle toward the stage)
General LaRue According to the Vampyrean Law, originally written by the esteemed Samuel Caelith in the year of 1012, any time the citizens are dissatisfied with their Lord, they may elect another vampire to stand up and challenge that lord at the December Parliament. If this chosen vampire is clever and powerful enough to defeat the current lord in a battle without weapons, overseen by the current general of the army to preserve fairness, then he shall take the place as lord, and Parliament should continue under his terms for that year. This ensures that not only is the new lord well-liked by the public, as they have elected him, but also that he is physically and mentally secure enough to take the rigors of his responsibility-laden position. (by now Darien should have reached the stage; grasps Darien’s wrist and steps to the side of the podium with him) In case you are unaware, I am the general of the army, and I will be the one overseeing this battle. Therefore, throw down any weapons you have now, I’m not going to stand here twiddling my thumbs waiting for you to do it later. Dog-eat-dog’s the policy, and if you can’t handle it then you probably shouldn’t have a position of power.
Darien I don’t have anything… oh, wait, my bag. Sorry, I forgot, I’ll take it off. Should I just leave it here? (bends over to put his backpack and carton on the floor next to the podium)
General LaRue (snatches Darien’s’ belongings before he can place them on the floor, and tosses them to the side of the stage) If you’ve managed to completely forget you’re holding a backpack, then who knows what else you’ve forgotten, hm? Let me check your pockets. (feels around inside Darien’s pockets and otherwise gives him a pat-down search) Every time I tell them they ought to just get a cheap little metal detector for this… maybe if I dock their pay they’ll get it.
(Lord Coulter enters from the left and walks over to the center of the stage.)
General LaRue (glares at both Darien and Lord Coulter, then frisks Lord Coulter briefly, shaking his cape out) We all know the rules, I see, so let’s begin, hm? (lets go of Darien and steps toward the back of the stage)
(Lord Coulter leaps instantly onto Darien, but Darien springs up and runs; Lord Coulter tries to grab Darien, but Darien is too fast. Darien continues to zip back and forth, dodging Lord Coulter’s blows. Lord Coulter finally stands in the middle of the stage and stops moving, trying to grab Darien as he passes by; however, Darien jumps clear over him. The next time Darien jumps, he lunges at Lord Coulter, who pulls out a dagger and jabs him in the side with it. Darien falls to the ground and drops his hand to his side where the dagger remains. Lord Coulter is just about to lunge at him, so he covers his head with his hands, but General LaRue jumps in just in time and grabs the knife.)
General LaRue What the hell is this? Whose is this? It’s yours, Coulter. How could I have missed it on you? Oh, I know how. I just shook your cloak, because I didn’t want to actually have to touch you. I didn’t want to touch you because you’re a greasy, nasty, slime-ridden murderous rapist son of a bitch! (she goes after Coulter with the knife)
Lord Coulter (grabs General LaRue’s throat and shoves her to the ground)
General LaRue (stabs Lord Coulter in the crotch with her heel)
Lord Coulter (pulls her down by the ankle and wrests the knife from her hands, pins her down with one arm and motions as if to stab her but instead slams the dagger’s handle into her face) Do you think I’m stupid enough to kill you, bitch? Do you think I don’t know what would happen if I did-
General LaRue (punches Coulter in the face and shoves him off the stage, then kicks him in the stomach) Do you think I care? Do you think any of you could kill me?
Lord Coulter (tries to shove General LaRue off him)
General LaRue (continues to stomp on his stomach) Well, that doesn't matter now… you've just been stripped of your duties and your power. You, Lord Coulter you call yourself lord, but you are repulsive. Clearly, a creature like you does not, and has never, deserved to be our leader, and finally we have an instance where are able to get rid of you. This little child here, Darien Alisandriel--no, Lord Darien Alisandriel--shall be considered the victor, and you, you disgusting thing, are...
Lord Coulter How can you make sure of that?
(Lord Coulter sits up rapidly and shoves General LaRue down, but she gets up, punches him, and struggles with him down the whole way of the aisle until she finally manages to push him out the door, slams it and makes her way back to the stage.)
Darien Um… what was that just now?
General LaRue Ugh. Look at this! Our new leader doesn't even know why he was doing what he was doing. That's just peachy, now, isn't it? Well, at least you're better than Coulter. For starters, he's a dirty, cheating, lying bastard. He's done nothing throughout his whole rule other than come up with reasons to have wars. Somehow, he just likes seeing death, for his own entertainment. He had some kind of bullshit agenda to go along with it, too… some thing that we as vampires are inherently superior to humans, and thus we should destroy them and make the world our own. We are inherently superior to humans, but… it's our mission to protect them. I really don't even think he thought vampires were inherently superior. He just thought he was inherently superior, and as soon as we'd helped him eradicate humans he would've gone around and made the majority of us slaves to him. Let's see, how about a visual… fifty-plus vampires strung up to the ceiling by their ankles, skinned, to be burned later. Like steaks. They all know. They've all seen; you haven't. You're like a child, believing everything you hear, thinking you ever do any good for the world. Hell, fresh out of high school, you are still a child. You're useless. The only time you ever help anyone is when they take advantage of you. Now that you've done the dirty work, no one has any use for you anymore, really. There's still far more to be fought… and that's best left to those who aren't weaklings. Ah, well. That can’t be helped. You’re ruler now. You’d best try hard, or you’ll be the next one they’re plotting to overthrow. (pauses, looks around) Kiran, get your arse over here, you’re going to be this kid’s escort for a bit. Major Kiran (gets up on stage and brings Darien toward the exit at stage left)
General LaRue (the curtains close as she continues to ramble on; the various Officers get up and make for the exit as well as she mentions their names, until the scene eventually ends) Take him to the fortress, and take a few soldiers with you, will you? Have them clean out Coulter's shit and put the kid's shit in, and they can burn Coulter's shit or whatever the bloody hell they want to do with it. It isn't like Coulter'll be alive to realize it's gone once I'm finished with him. Jeanne, clean up this putrid bloody mess the two of them left all over the floor. You too, Molly; see if you can go run them a couple gauze pads or something, or else just clean up the little blood trail. (grumbles loudly in frustration)
Scene Three
(The next morning, in the Lord’s office, Darien and Major Kiran are sitting and conversing.)
Major Kiran She’s not that bad. Her bark is worse than her bite. If you have any trouble later, go to the offices and ask for Major Raphael Kiran - which would be me - and I will be able to help you. I’ve been around longer than anyone else here; I was here when the New Kingdom was first established, and I’ll likely still be here when the apocalypse comes. Maybe longer. Really, though, if she threatens you, let me know. She’s a very nice girl, but a little… unstable. If you get on her good side, she’s quite a valuable friend. I’ve known her a long time, so I can keep her violent tendencies in check. So, don’t worry.
(Darien nods)
Major Kiran Anyway, this is your office. You may re-decorate it as you like. If you use the charm I gave you, you can teleport directly here from the human world. I set it up for you that way.
Darien Uhh... thanks. And thanks for adjourning Parliament for me, I really didn’t know what to do, since I just became lord, and… no offense, but what kind of system is it anyway where they make me the leader the first day of Parliament and expect me to instantly know what to do the rest of the time?
Major Kiran I know, it is silly, but to try to change it… you know how most officials are. However, I must go now to work. The General will be here soon. She will explain your duties to you, for I cannot.
Darien But… the General… she…
Major Kiran I know, I know. She’s not a bad girl, though, as I said before. Anyway… goodbye, my lord. I shall see you later.
Darien (gets up and looks around the room slowly, first at the books, then at the desk, then the curtain in the back) I thought these underground buildings… had no windows… so why is there… (goes to pull the curtain back)
General LaRue (enters from stage left and kicks the office door open)
Darien Umm… I like your bow…
General LaRue You *crag* well better, kid, and I'm coming here rather than going to work today, too, so you'd best be grateful that I'm willing to take time off for you. I'm General LaRue; you may not call me by anything less formal until you've actually managed to earn my respect. I run the army around here, and I've run it since even before your great-grandparents were born, sweetie… you may run everything else now, but I've heard a lot about you, and jabbing your unrealistic little pacifist ideals into my territory's going to cost you. If you want to live, you ought to learn the rules and regulations; that's why I'm here. Ask questions rather than just trying to bullshit your way through things, and you just might survive. It'll also behoove you to read Caelith's Art of Protection, because it describes your basic responsibilities and all; it's in here somewhere, look for it.
Darien Wait, so I'm supposed to ask other people for what I should do, then do what they say? How does that make sense? Not to be rude, I mean, really not to be rude, I don't want to offend you at all, I'm just asking, but…
General LaRue You're not exactly supposed to follow us around to ask for directions all day, you ninny; you know how much of a pain in the ass you'd be then, as if you're not already one now? It's up to you to figure out what it is you're going to do. You just need help on finding out how to do it. And people aren't the only thing at your disposal, you know; there are books… and we just had in-ter-net set up around here by this little new girl, too, so you can use that. Just make sure it's feasible before trying, sweetheart. Any stupid, idealistic moves on your part, and I'll be making sure you come along when you accidentally send the rest of the world to hell.
Darien Uhh… okay. So, how should I start?
General LaRue Well, then. Perhaps you should make a list of things… things you believe in or want to get done, you know? Then at least you've got your goals on paper, and the next step would be starting to think of ways to work on them. That way, too, if you're looking at your list later and you see something that you can't think of any ways to do… then, it's probably one of those things you're only ever going to achieve in the little sunshine-and-peanuts land inside your head, so drop it. Anyway, I've got some starters for you; looks like you need them. We've had issues lately with an increasing amount of vampire slayers, so write up a policy for dealing with that. They had you move into that little down called Pleasant Valley in Iowa, off of River City, right? Where most of the nobles and officers live to keep hidden - I live there too, of course - the slayers caught on - like I said they would, but nobody ever listens to me until I hurt them, now, do they - well, therefore, the toughest vampire slayers live there too now. That's a start, right there. Any questions?
Darien Um, well… I have one question, I think, and it's kinda stupid and not very important, so you don't have to answer it or anything, y'know… ? But that curtain over there, the red one, is there anything behind it? It seems kind of like… oh, never mind.
General LaRue Well, that is covered in Art of Protection, but I suppose I can just answer now if it burns you so. Back here is the poison. (pulls the curtain back to reveal the poison)
Darien The poison?
General LaRue Yes, they're poison. All different types for all different situations, and very, very highly concentrated. After all, even a vampire gets tired of living and living and living, and it has to end somewhere; unfortunately, it is rather difficult to kill a vampire unless you are equipped specifically to do so. That's why these little guys are concocted, of course. Much less painful and much less costly than five carefully crafted bullets to the temple, no? You have them because you're in charge of administering them to vampires that wish to end their lives, but they have to apply first. It's your job to do background checks to make sure they aren't swindling you… say, selling them, collecting them and messing with them together, using them to kill someone, or what. You see? They're locked up for a reason, after all; highly concentrated poisons are a very powerful tool when they reach the wrong hands, so you've got to be careful.
Darien Oh… okay. I guess I’ll spend the rest of tonight reading this. (picks up the copy of Art of Protection from the shelf and begins to leaf through it)
General LaRue All right, then. I should probably stay here and hang around; you’ll probably have more things you need to ask while reading, especially since you’re such a ninny, after all. (sits down on the same chair as Darien and inches close to him) You do seem like you honestly want to learn and be helpful, unlike a lot of little stupid soldiers I’ve had to deal with in the past. I should commend you for that, at least. (plays with Darien’s hair)
Darien (inches away a bit)
General LaRue (sighs and rests her head on his shoulder)
Darien I’m kind of hungry. Do you know if there’s anywhere I could get lunch around here?
General LaRue Well, it depends. Blood, or food?
Darien Food.
General LaRue Downstairs in the banquet hall there’s probably plenty of food from the banquet that would have been in a few days if you hadn’t called off Parliament…
Darien Um… I’ll probably just go home. Thank you so much though…
General LaRue No problem. You know, I probably would’ve killed you by now if you weren’t such a cutie. Maybe… working with you isn’t going to be so bad after all. (exits)
Darien (turns toward the audience and addresses them) Things kind of dissolved into a bland routine after awhile, like they always do; get up at eight or so, feed the rabbit, tidy the apartment, wolf down breakfast, drag self to job as 24-hour gas station food shop cashier, make minimum wage, drag self home, wolf down dinner, go to bed. The new Parliament was set for the first week of March, and I was ready… I was actually almost looking forward to it, because it would be a little more interesting than the formulaic crap I did every day now. (sits down) Oh, yeah… and the general's little statement from back in December wasn't just a passing thing. Yep… she was hitting on me. Every day I went in to my office, I could count on her being there to pull assorted stunts. Her favorite lines always seemed to be about how she would've "killed me by now if I wasn't so cute," and she even had another one now about how I'd "get a lot more if I'd stop being such a whiny-ass and act normal," how maybe "even she'd give me some then." Umm… awkward? She also liked to not-so-subtly try to grab my ass. Like it was some sort of enemy territory she had to conquer. Y'know… that was probably it. She probably kept hitting on me like that to prove she was in the alpha position or something… to keep me in my place. That sort of thing. Anyway, the routine really made the weeks roll by, not really fast or anything but just steady. Until one day, when I was flipping around on my calendar… I noticed Valentines Day was coming up. (flips through calendar, plunks pen on desk in frustration) I hated Valentine’s Day, for obvious reasons. If there was one day I got ragged on the most for my lack of success in relationships, that would be it. But that part was only the half of it. After all… there was the general, too. Lord knows what she’d try to do to me on Valentines Day. All I could really do about it was to cross my fingers and say “please don’t let her pull anything on Valentine’s Day” over and over. Well, as I’m sure you can guess… no such luck.
General LaRue (enters the stage again, bangs on the door then enters the room carrying a box) Oh Darien, I got you a present!
Darien Um… thanks? I wasn’t expecting anything, but thanks anyway…
General LaRue I just gave you a present. You’re supposed to open it, arsehole!
Darien (opens the box to find chocolates)
General LaRue Eat them, you could use to gain a few pounds.
Darien Uhh… I’m very, very grateful you went to this trouble and all, but I’m so sorry… I can’t eat them. I’m vegan.
General LaRue Vegan? But you’re a vampire! You have to drink blood all the time, and that’s most certainly not vegan.
Darien Well… since we only take a little, it doesn’t kill anyone, and it doesn’t really hurt too much if we do it fast, either, so…
General LaRue Same thing with milk and cows.
Darien No! Um… wait… I mean, they keep cows in cages and stuff, and the cows suffer. We don’t cage people to take their blood, so…
General LaRue Oh, whatever. You’re such a bleeding heart, you know?
Darien (holding the chocolates out to General LaRue) You want them back?
General LaRue (takes them) Whatever. I’ll bring you flowers or something tomorrow.
Darien You don’t need to do that.
General LaRue Why? Do you have some kind of ethical campaign against flowers too? I can see it now… don’t cut flowers and put them in bouquets! They suffer, you’re taking away their freedom!
Darien No… I like flowers, it’s just that… I don’t want you to waste your money on me…
General LaRue Waste my money on you? I'll waste my money on whatever the hell I feel like wasting it on. It's not your money, now, is it? So shut the *crag* up! D'you know what's wrong with you? You know what it is? I know what it is. You think you can help people. You think you can change the world. Well, you can't. Even if you don't eat meat, the cow's already dead, and now it's just going to go to waste and rot there on the shelf. Even if everyone did stop eating eggs, what would we do with all the hens then? I know what we'd do. We'd just kill them all, because they're useless to us otherwise. You're on the top of the food chain, kid… and not just in regards to animals, but in regards to other people, other vampires. And when you're on the top of the food chain, you've got to eat everyone below you. The longer you stand around giving mercy to your subjects, the more time they have to stab you in the back. Because you may be loving and caring and merciful, hon… but nobody else is. You're the only one, sweetheart, and you're not going to last long. You think you're helping someone? You're being swindled, sweetie. You're being had. You're helpin' nobody. And you're never going to help anybody, because you can't. You-can't-*crag*-make-a-difference.
Darien (puts his head down on his desk sadly)
General LaRue Maybe if there were more people like you… more people that put others before themselves… then there wouldn't be war, or hunger, or suffering. But there is war, and we have no choice but to fight in it, and look out for ourselves. (puts her hand on Darien’s shoulder) It's rather sad, you know… you're dumb, but you're… refreshing. You're completely arse-backwards, but I wish you were right. (snuggles him affectionately) And that's why I love you… (stands up again and yanks Darien’s hair) That, and your arse that's firm enough to stop bullets. Damn, I'd hit that.
Darien Umm… okay… thanks for the thought, though, General-
General LaRue Call me Heather.
Scene Four
(Aaron, Darien’s roommate, is sitting in the apartment; Darien enters, followed by Major Kiran.)
Aaron Hey, I made one of those macaroni and not-cheese box things for dinner, I ate like half of it and the rest is on the stove if you - HOLY SHIT!
Major Kiran Hello, Aaron, I’m just here to give Darien some makeup advice, so don’t mind me or anything, okayyy? (goes into the bedroom and begins rifling through Darien’s clothes)
Aaron (quietly, to Darien) Damn, the way you talk about the things he does and says to you I was expecting some skinny little faggot in a tacky tourist shirt, not a seven foot tall bodybuilder!
Darien Don’t call him a faggot.
Major Kiran (calling out) Darien, I found something, come look!
Darien (goes into the bedroom)
Major Kiran (holds up the clothes he chose) See, now, what you do is you wear this with your brown loafers, and you tuck the bottom of the pants behind your shoes instead of having them dump all over the top of your shoes and look slovenly. Then, you wear your brown belt over your shirt, so you’ll look very slender and perhaps also taller in the process. Finally, you’ll look very lean and graceful and charming, like I know you are, instead of like a slob in an oversized sack like you usually look but I know you aren’t. Yes? (pats Darien on the head) You know, it’s so nice that you agreed to go out with her. You are such a caring person! She’ll absolutely love you, and you’ll absolutely love her. Anyway… it’s time to do the makeup. (sits Darien down in front of his mirror, then hands him the bag of makeup) Okay, let’s start with the foundation.
Darien The what?
Major Kiran The little round thingie full of peach-colored powder stuff with the little mirror and the little brush in it. Can you hand it to me, please?
Darien Okay… (hands Major Kiran the foundation)
Major Kiran You put it on just like this, see? (applies the foundation to Darien, then puts the foundation back) Now, the mascara. The tubey thingie -
Darien (reaches for one of the makeups)
Major Kiran - no, not that one, the other one, the bigger one. It’s black, so that the color of your eyelashes matches the color of your hair.
Darien (hands Major Kiran the mascara, and gets it applied to him; remains silent but shifts uncomfortably)
Major Kiran (puts the mascara back) Next, the eyeliner, the thing that looks like a pencil. This is grey. It adds some drama to your eyes.
Darien (hands Major Kiran the eyeliner, and gets it applied to him; continues to shift uncomfortably, but is trying not to)
Major Kiran (puts the eyeliner back) After that, then the eyeshadow. First, the grey one, the powdery thingie that looks like foundation but small and a light grey. I’m just going to put this one close to your eyeliner, so it kind of transitions between the dark grey of the eyeliner and the blue of the next eyeshadow I’m going to apply to you.
Darien (hands Major Kiran the grey eyeshadow, and gets it applied to him) The next eyeshadow?
Major Kiran Yes, the next. (puts the grey eyeshadow back) Now the blue. Wearing blue eyeshadow will bring out the blue of your eyes, which are simply lovely.
Darien (hands Major Kiran the blue eyeshadow, and gets it applied to him) Okay… are we done now?
Major Kiran No, just two more things. (puts the blue eyeshadow back) Now the white. This will blend the blue back in with your skin tone so it looks natural.
Darien (hands Major Kiran the white eyeshadow, and gets it applied to him) Two more things?
Major Kiran Now one. (puts the white eyeshadow back) Now the lip gloss, the clear kind. This will add a little drama to your lips, make them shiny, you know, without being too intense.
Darien (hands Major Kiran the lip gloss, and gets it applied to him) Okay, we’re done now?
Major Kiran Yes, and you look lovely. Now, though, I must leave you; please enjoy Heather’s presence on this wonderful evening. (exits)
Darien (coming out of the bedroom, looks at the clock, then at Aaron) Don’t you have somewhere to go, too?
Aaron Oh, yeah. Sorry. Bye. (gets up and exits)
Darien (rifles around in the kitchen a bit, preparing the food, until there’s a knock at the door; he opens it, and the General is standing there, surprisingly with her hair down) Uh… hi.
General LaRue Hello. (pauses) What’s for dinner?
Darien Well, I just have to heat up the chicken parm and the spaghetti, and then there’s a bag of salad greens I tossed in a bowl and put some tomato and almonds and dressing onto, and that’s in the fridge. Not much special, I do little things like this almost every night.
General LaRue I thought you didn’t eat chicken or cheese?
Darien Well, it’s not real chicken, and it’s not real cheese; it’s made of soy and stuff. But it has similar nutritional value, and it tastes good, which is what matters.
General LaRue Interesting.
Darien (opens the fridge) You want anything? There’s orange juice, and tap water, and some diet Pepsi in the back I think.
General LaRue What’s that pink thing?
Darien It’s a soy breakfast smoothie.
General LaRue Do you mind if I have that? If you mind, I’ll take the juice, but -
Darien Are you sure you want that? I mean, I don’t mind giving it up, there are a lot of them, but…
General LaRue I said I want to try it, dumbass.
Darien Okay… if you insist. (hands her the smoothie)
General LaRue (takes a sip) I like it. I drink things like this all the time, just… well, not soy. And it doesn’t even really taste too much like soy, even.
Darien Are you sure -
General LaRue (glares)
Darien Don’t change how you act just because you want to impress me, y’know. |
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God of Retro (apparently) MattTheSpratt
Joined: 09 Apr 2008 Posts: 1533
HP: 34 MP: 4 Lives: 1
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Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 4:15 pm
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This is....pretty well written. Compared to when I attempt to write something this big, it's a behemoth of a script. |
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Shadow Kingdom Spell Seal Burning
Joined: 04 Aug 2007 Posts: 12201
HP: 80 MP: 0 Lives: 3
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Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 4:19 pm
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Is it bad that I recognized like all the names used in that? ಠﮯ๏ |
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Jolene Legendary Mashine
Joined: 29 Apr 2007 Posts: 6998
HP: 10 MP: 0 Lives: 0
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Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 4:22 pm
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Ur Faec wrote: | Is it bad that I recognized like all the names used in that? ಠﮯ๏ |
No, it is where all Jolene's alts come from, after all~
Any other comments~? What's good~? What's bad~? |
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Psst... Die4Less Vampire
Joined: 02 Jul 2008 Posts: 3681
HP: 95 MP: 0 Lives: 2
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Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 6:21 pm
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Needs to be split into more scenes. Could also use a bit of polish, but very well done overall. Much better than anything I could do. |
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