digibutter.nerr

[espeorb]

It's called Cries of a Winged One. I haven't finished much of it, but soo far it's pretty swell, I guess.

Prologue/Attention-getting first page (comes later in the actual story):

“No,” I stammered. “No!”
I held Daniel tight against my leg. He was much too young to know what was going on, and yet he was crying. He must have somehow picked up on my frightened emotions.
Moon was at my side, shaking her head also. She held terrified little Ann close; muffling the innocent yet imminent screams and cries.
The man took a step closer. “Ah, but don’t you see? They’re imperfections. No, abominations!” He stopped long enough to make a smirk yet depressed grin of sorts. “They can not live in the world with us. They were created by complete accident.”
I, too, was involuntarily shaking my head at this point, likely trying to keep tears away. But I failed miserably at that. How could I let him take these people away from me? They were like my family now!
“Why must imperfections be eliminated?” I say, stalling him with words until I thought of a way around the situation. “We all have imperfections, all of us! In fact, many of us much more so than them!”
He stopped walking toward us for a moment. After another few moments, Moon and I stopped walking away from him, too.
“Why? Why? Do you not see, Drew? We’re doing this for the good of the people, not because they are imperfect!” This counteracted his previous statements. It was about this time that I figured out that he just hated them. Hated the Winged for no reason other than lost vengeance. “If we let them roam free, it would cause a panic, one like no other. The people of the world would be terrified at these new magical beings, and very jealous. The biggest revolt ever seen would be started, and the world would be thrown into panic!”
“No, no,” I stammered. My voice was ridden with cracks and scratches from the tears that ran down my eyes. “You’re wrong! The Winged have every reason to live in the world with us. And, of course, the average person has the right to be jealous of them. But would they not would jealous of the average person in return? Would they not be jealous of the normal, non-secluded life they have?”
“Enough talking,” he returned. He resumed edging forward again, holding the needle farther and farther in front of him with every step.
Moon looked at me, her fluffy little ears still drooping, and nodded so solemnly that no one else would know that she was nodding.
The wings came as quickly as the sun at sunrise.
I had one hundred percent asked for this. But what had I really gotten myself into?

A very small portion of chapter one:

I lived a relatively normal life. I resided in a trailer in the suburbs of the city for most of it, staying with my parents for lack of money to get a better home. Let’s face it: I was lazy. As such, I didn’t really work much, other than helping my Ma and Pa out around the house (or, rather, trailer). Sometimes my cousins (two of which lived really close) would ask me to work for them, and on occasion I actually would. But overall, I didn’t really work, so I didn’t make much money. As a result, I never could afford even an apartment.
I was an only child. However, my cousins that lived the closest (Floe and JJ were what they liked to be called; I suppose they needed to keep their real identities safe in the dangerous city) were like sister and brother to me. Floe was kind of annoying, she always found ways to push anyone’s buttons through words. JJ was kind of nerdy, and pretty shy, so when he saw one of her annoy-other-people fits coming on, he would slink back or go do something else or something, leaving me to deal with the painful and random wrath that followed.
But despite their flaws (and mine, I was lazy and usually pretty depressed about everything. JJ’s word for it was “semi-emo”, don’t ask me what that meant), we got along pretty well in the times they visited me or vica versa.
We also always went on “adventures” when they came to my house. A small forest resided behind the trailer park where I lived, so we usually went there, finding sticks and whatnot to have fake sword battles with. We always had a great time.
Mainly JJ and Floe’s mom (I forgot to mention they were brother and sister, it did make me a little jealous) would stay at the trailer and obsessively clean up after and for Ma. Ma said she was a blessing and a half.
But JJ and Floe always had to go by seven o’clock. As a result, we always made a campfire of sorts in the woods at about 6:00 to tell scary stories as we huddled around it. Most of the time we reused them, especially JJ who had next to no imagination, but one in particular. always interested me.
It was a story about winged humans, which we called many things, ranging from “flying sirens” to “feather people”. On one night recently, JJ told the story again, Floe rolling her eyes at the slight sexual references that he always adds in. I pretend not to hear them.
“One night, in a lonely forest just like this one, there was a beautiful girl walking around,” he said, and the story-telling grin started to show. “She was magnificent, flowing golden hair streaking downward over her delicate face, lovely legs, and skin as tender as melty rubber.”
“Oh, and well made, too, if you know what I mean,” he said, raising his eyebrows up and down in quick succession. Floe groaned.
He continued. “But the most interesting thing about that girl was her two huge silver wings. She could fly wherever she wanted, and when she took a bath in the old river next to the plains, a flow of silvery featherers would be left behind, rushing with the river’s flow. Oh, and did I mention just like all the winged people, she had a strange sort of animal-hybrid mutation? No one knows where her fluffy ears came from, or where the other winged people’s ears, paws, fur, claws or other things come from, but it’s suspected that it’s a result of secret government testing,” he said. The normal story-telling grin-smirk was likely all over my face now, because I was very interested in government secrets. JJ knew this.
“Anyway, she enjoyed a quiet, peaceful life, away from all civilization. Also, away from any kind of people whatsoever.”
Floe stopped him. “Don’t you think she would get very bored and lonely?”
“Let me tell the story, Sis,” he returned with a grimace. “But no, she never got bored or lonely at all. She had the forest folk, the squirrels in the trees, the bugs in the ground and all the other wood animals to entertain her and be her friends. She was raised by a pair of hunting hawks, too!”
“One day, however, this all changed. A man called a ‘bounty hunter’ had been searching for the girl and her kin. He came into the forest, disrupting the peace with something the forest had never seen – technology. He carried with him a gun, hoping to kill her and bring her back to wherever it was he was going to bring her back to.” He paused, seeing the question ahead that I was likely to ask.
I did. “Where was he going to bring her back to?”
He answered with “Dunno. We were never told that part of the story,” and a shrug.
“Anyway,” he continued with a sharp yet quick glare around the group. “The scruffy looking man entered the forest with the gun, specifically a customized M24, and headed after the scent of the girl. It was all around the forest, and as such it took some searching. He eventually found her, though, sleeping in the branches of a great tree. He aimed his dreadful weapon at her precious little face, but as he pulled the trigger, a squirrel jumped in the way. The non-theoretical forest angel woke with a start at the sound, and finding the squirrel lying limp in the rough grass below, she screamed with a voice as if her heart had just been cut.”
“The scream was heard by the whole forest, and lo and behold, the forest animals and the fierce wooded creatures came after him, carried by a pack of hunting hawks. They tore him to shreds to protect their beautiful forest friend. And she lived in the forest forever and evermore.”
“Something about that story always interests me,” I said. “It’s almost like I feel connected to it, to the beautiful winged maiden that we made up… who made this story up originally, again?”
There was quiet murmuring and head scratching.
“I’m not quite sure,” Floe finally said. “But if I remember correctly, it was my dad that originally told the story to us.”
JJ flinched at the mention of their dad. Floe was trying to push his buttons by saying that, but I knew that hurt her too.
We heard someone calling in the distance. “Jimmy! Zoe!” the voice shouted. It was their mother. They seemed to shrink when she said their actual names.
“We have to go-“ JJ started, but I cut him of with “I know,” and we all began to head back to the trailer park in silence.
Suddenly, tough, I heard something- something that I had almost never heard before. And while I always except the unexpected in the woods, this was something truly new. It sounded like someone singing. Around here we hardly ever sing. “There’s not much to sing about”, Ma would always say when I ask her why she doesn’t hum a little tune once in a while or something. She was probably right, too. Life was kind of dull other than JJ and Floe.
The sound continued. It was a wonderful melody of the all the right notes in the right voice to boot.

Yeah, that's basically all I've got right now.
I'm enjoying writing it so far- I have a lot planned. Could you guys please tell me what you think, what I need to improve upon, ect?

[MILF with a gun]

Paragraphs.

It's a bit easy for your eyes to get tired if you don't press enter around twice after you finish a paragraph. That way, it's easier to read, and everything. ...In my opinion, I find it a bit...Boring, I guess, but that's just me. I sort of like your style, though.

[espeorb]

[Zelnor]

There are a couple of things here that go into purple prose territory or loaded language - "frightened emotions" and "innocent yet imminent cries" which also don't make sense if you think about it. In general, it is a bit dramatic, but sort of over-the-top. But else, it is a sound piece of work. You may want to look at the Writer's Toolbox at TvTropes.org:

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ptitle6y3x5fn1bzst?from=Main.WritersToolbox

[espeorb]

[Zelnor]

My pleasure. Just besure to check out the article on TvTropesWillRuinYourLife.

Because A) You'll spends HOURS Reading unneccessary stuff
and b) You'll be able to analyze anything, makine most plots obvious. XD