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Fat Tuper
lovegod703
Joined: 06 May 2008
Posts: 5515
HP: 10 MP: 6 Lives: 0
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 Posted: Sat Mar 07, 2009 9:36 pm
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These are the lyrics to a song I'm writing. They sound like shit without the song, but I think they make for a good poem. It's called I Wish You Were Here (Now That You're Gone). It's not great, but it's my first song, so...
I've known you since the day I was born.
I was a happy guy, but now I am torn.
You were my best friend, and now you're gone.
And now that you're gone...
I wish you were here.
You've been with me through thick and through thin.
I could tell you all the things I'd been in.
You didn't understand, but that's ok,
'cuz now that you're gone...
I wish you were here.
You were the best of friends that I could ever ask for,
And now that you're gone, I wish you were here.
Never got the chance to say goodbye,
But now that you're gone...
I wish you were here.
You left me one day, and that made me so sad.
I had expected it, but that don't mean it wasn't bad.
I miss you, lots, and I wish you hadn't gone.
And now that you're gone...
I wish you were here.
What happened to you cannot be undone.
Not even by God, not by anyone.
I want you back, but that can't happen.
And now that you're gone...
I wish you were here.
You were the best of friends that I could ever ask for,
And now that you're gone, I wish you were here.
Never got the chance to say goodbye,
But now that you're gone...
I wish you were here.
Now the years have passed since you did, too.
And I'm still sad 'cuz I miss you.
I wanna be happy, but that's gunna be hard,
'cuz now that you're gone...
I wish you were here.
The day you died, my life lost meaning.
And now you're gone, and now I'm leaning
To the point where I'll go, too.
And now that you're gone...
I wish you were here.
You were the best of friends that I could ever ask for,
And now that you're gone, I wish you were here.
Never got the chance to say goodbye,
But now that you're gone...
I wish you were here.
You were the best of friends that I could ever ask for,
And now that you're gone, I wish you were here.
Never got the chance to say goodbye,
But now that you're gone...
I wish.... you.... were........ here.
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Fat Tuper
lovegod703
Joined: 06 May 2008
Posts: 5515
HP: 10 MP: 6 Lives: 0
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| Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2009 10:36 am
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Guys, I need some criticism...
...please?
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The Axolotl Sympathist
Geno
Werewolf
Joined: 26 Jul 2007
Posts: 8754
HP: 100 MP: 4 Lives: 1
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| Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2009 10:40 am
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Better than any song I could have ever written.
I think you did a good job. Good use of rhymes and repetition, it's poetic, and it flows rather well.
The ONLY thing I see that jolts my criticism nerve is the fact that it's really, really generic. But hey, generic is the in-factor of today, so I guess you hit the nail on the head. |
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Fat Tuper
lovegod703
Joined: 06 May 2008
Posts: 5515
HP: 10 MP: 6 Lives: 0
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| Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2009 1:26 pm
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ThNK YOU, gENO.
aLSO, I'M GOING TO SEarchlight this, because there was only 1 person online, last time.
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Fat Tuper
lovegod703
Joined: 06 May 2008
Posts: 5515
HP: 10 MP: 6 Lives: 0
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| Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2009 7:28 pm
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I would really like some more criticism, please. ;_;
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Fat Tuper
lovegod703
Joined: 06 May 2008
Posts: 5515
HP: 10 MP: 6 Lives: 0
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| Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2009 6:56 pm
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Why won't anyone reply?
Ok, but seriously, I need SOMEone else to see this.
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Sync
MALAK
Joined: 01 Aug 2007
Posts: 34747
HP: 10 MP: 2 Lives: 0
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| Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2009 6:58 pm
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*crag* i can relate to the song so now i am emo ;~;
I guess that means I liked it. |
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The Axolotl Sympathist
Geno
Werewolf
Joined: 26 Jul 2007
Posts: 8754
HP: 100 MP: 4 Lives: 1
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| Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2009 7:06 pm
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I just tried writing songs...
Turns out I'm good at it. Guess the fact I can do poetry helps... >_> |
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Fat Tuper
lovegod703
Joined: 06 May 2008
Posts: 5515
HP: 10 MP: 6 Lives: 0
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| Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2009 7:07 pm
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| Sync wrote: | *crag* i can relate to the song so now i am emo ;~;
I guess that means I liked it. |
Thanks.
You know, I'm not sure if the tune makes it better or worse. I'll try to figure it out on the piano, or something and post it. I'm also trying to figure out a better tune, to make it better.
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See?
Popple
Joined: 30 Apr 2007
Posts: 14001
HP: 99 MP: 8 Lives: 10
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| Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2009 7:52 pm
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If oyu want to have my opnion here it is.
It's bad.
It isn't good.
Try again.
Please insert credits.
Happy now? |
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