| Author |
Message |
Blue Eyes wins.
Captain Blue
Joined: 21 May 2007
Posts: 15314
HP: 95 MP: 10 Lives: 2
|
 Posted: Sat Apr 11, 2009 12:13 am
|
 |
|
Woman Insecure
Heed her: she has but one wish
For you to say yes
Made by the blue bard
Whose mind is in a cyclone
Critique if you want |
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
See?
Popple
Joined: 30 Apr 2007
Posts: 14001
HP: 99 MP: 8 Lives: 10
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 11, 2009 12:19 am
|
|
|
Meh.
Haiku's are typicaly spiritual in nature.
The low word count almost limits them to that field.
The poem is to literal, try using more symbolize.
Nature is a good place to start.
Look to nature to find symbols that represent what you want to convey. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Blue Eyes wins.
Captain Blue
Joined: 21 May 2007
Posts: 15314
HP: 95 MP: 10 Lives: 2
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 11, 2009 12:27 am
|
|
|
|
It was something I made on a whim. It would've been better if I gave it more thought and considered other ways of saying it, like you said. I just figured I'd post it because it was my first poetry-based creation, and I'd look at it and your advice if I get any other ideas. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
