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Hey [you]! If you haven't noticed, this is now the old digibutter forums. Go over to the new site!
digibutter.nerr
It's Hi-Technicaaal!
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Burn them out
rawrskey
Benned Vampire
Joined: 03 Jun 2007
Posts: 14262
HP: 70 MP: 5 Lives: 5
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 Posted: Mon Oct 01, 2007 3:39 pm
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I don't care to be reviewed. If I want opinions, I'll ask opinions, but I don't want people pointing out every single problem in my writing and making me seem so much worse than I am.
more words. Read them.
| Quote: | | Observer. That's all I am. That's all I've ever done. Observed. But what exactly have I observed? Not everything I observe is inside the glass white dome that seems to depress so many people. No, I've seen far more. There are particular people in the world that I observed. I didn't observe their lives... oh no, quite the opposite. I observed their deaths, and their thoughts. It's an ability of mine that I can't seem to control. Visions at night, images in my head and words in my mind that I can't seem to get rid of. One particular person was a military man... a military DOG. He had no freedom... he was a slave to them. He given away his freedom in a foolish attempt to save the freedom of others. His name was Mandarin, but it wasn't Mandarin for any specific reason. His parents were simply idiots, and the name Mandarin sounded like a fun name to name him. Naturally he was made fun of in school, and bullied, and this caused him to be a coward. His parents, still being idiots, forced him to see a therapist... the therapist told him to become physically strong in order to conquer his fears, and Mandarin took it a bit too literally and joined the army. About 10 years of his life he spent in the military, doing janitorial work and serving coffee, when he was finally sent on a "mission". It was really a suicide mission that his superiors sent him on just to get rid of him, but it's not like he could have said no. Although it was not the way he was meant to die, he was killed in a fiery explosion involving a tank, a lot of leaking fuel, and an almost perfectly timed shot from an unsuspecting drunken soldier. Surprisingly, the last thing he thought before he died were spiteful thoughts towards "God". He thought that God hated him, and brought this terrible life upon him as punishment for something his family may have done... he couldn't be more wrong, however, as not only is there no God, his life was nothing more than a trial. The afterlife is all that mattered to The Creators, and although he would not do quite as well as they wish him to, he would indeed leave a lasting effect on the world that is noticed even to this day. |
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The Transfigured Buizel
Champiness
Joined: 15 Jul 2007
Posts: 1391
HP: 10 MP: 0 Lives: 0
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| Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2007 2:52 pm
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I've read the story so far, and I love it. It vaguely reminds me of an old Science Fiction story called "The Tunnel", about a post-apocalyptic city hidden under a glass dome with a fake sun and moon. Keep going! |
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Djacwmwfin
Joshamuffin
Vampire
Joined: 12 Jun 2007
Posts: 3539
HP: 100 MP: 5 Lives: 0
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| Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2007 3:06 pm
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Unlike alot of books, this pick up my curiosity right away. Harry Potter 1, I'm reading it again, and it is very dull at the start. So dull, I don't read it without prompting. Which sucks because I need to zoom through some books to get damn AR points. |
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Burn them out
rawrskey
Benned Vampire
Joined: 03 Jun 2007
Posts: 14262
HP: 70 MP: 5 Lives: 5
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| Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2007 4:14 pm
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| Code: | I'd been sitting here all day, in my room. 24 hours straight, just sitting here, staring out the window, sipping coffee, and thinking about life. I was becoming rather bored and depressed with everything that I was just about to consider jumping out the window, when suddenly everything suddenly split in two. It seemed as though the world itself simply split apart, and I was floating in midair as the world floated away from me at either of my sides.
"What the hell!?" I said out loud immediately. I looked around and saw nothing but whiteness, save for the two pieces of the world, seemingly shrinking as they moved farther away. I had nothing more to add to this, so I simply sat down on the whiteness -- and surprisingly I could -- and continued sipping my coffee. Suddenly, a person walked up to me and started talking.
"Margfargblargtarg?" he asked me... and naturally, I had no response. I simply looked at him as if he were an idiot, and then continued to sip my coffee.
"Hurr hurr, margle feeb?" he asked. Again, I ignored him.
"Me comprenez-vous?" he asked. This time, I recognized the words. It seemed French. He continued on like this, seemingly trying out different languages, until he finally came upon one I understood quite well -- English.
"Do you understand me?" he asked. I looked up, nodded, then continued sipping my coffee... which seemed to have still been half full, despite the fact that I had been sipping at it for hours.
"Good. We have things to talk about. This is your first trip to insanity, so I need you to listen to me." he said. I wasn't listening.
"Hello?" he asked, and I ignored him again. I think it was just about that time that a large object hit me on the back of my head and everything went black. |
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Djacwmwfin
Joshamuffin
Vampire
Joined: 12 Jun 2007
Posts: 3539
HP: 100 MP: 5 Lives: 0
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| Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2007 4:22 pm
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Sounds like it could come from an award winning novel. Continue plx. |
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Burn them out
rawrskey
Benned Vampire
Joined: 03 Jun 2007
Posts: 14262
HP: 70 MP: 5 Lives: 5
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| Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2007 4:25 pm
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please guys, comment more often, keep this bumped, I want other people to read this.
Are there any major sites besides DevianTards that I can submit it to? |
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Djacwmwfin
Joshamuffin
Vampire
Joined: 12 Jun 2007
Posts: 3539
HP: 100 MP: 5 Lives: 0
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| Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2007 9:22 pm
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"<insert name> Publishers" sounds good. |
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Parabuzzy Queen
Macha
Joined: 18 Jun 2007
Posts: 11083
HP: 10 MP: 5 Lives: 0
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| Posted: Wed Oct 03, 2007 12:57 pm
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| rawrskey wrote: | please guys, comment more often, keep this bumped, I want other people to read this.
Are there any major sites besides DevianTards that I can submit it to? |
You could send it to Fictionpress?
It's getting rather interesting.
*bumplol* |
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Burn them out
rawrskey
Benned Vampire
Joined: 03 Jun 2007
Posts: 14262
HP: 70 MP: 5 Lives: 5
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| Posted: Wed Oct 03, 2007 4:24 pm
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I'm going to skip writing today... robotics club took all inspiration out of me. Feh to you, robotics.
I'll write tomorrow, k? |
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Djacwmwfin
Joshamuffin
Vampire
Joined: 12 Jun 2007
Posts: 3539
HP: 100 MP: 5 Lives: 0
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| Posted: Wed Oct 03, 2007 6:54 pm
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kthxbai
Owait. Skip the bai. You better write, fool. |
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Para
Joined: 19 Jun 2007
Posts: 7631
HP: 99 MP: 6 Lives: 1
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| Posted: Wed Oct 03, 2007 10:29 pm
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Very nice, how much?
But in all honesty, excellent job on what you've written so far. |
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PEPSIMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
Cherry
Vampire
Joined: 30 Apr 2007
Posts: 22614
HP: 65 MP: 6 Lives: 0
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| Posted: Thu Oct 04, 2007 2:00 pm
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Hey, guys. rawrskey wanted me to you guys that he'll be updating his story on the site below while he's jailed.
http://h1.ripway.com/chazoa/h.html |
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Burn them out
rawrskey
Benned Vampire
Joined: 03 Jun 2007
Posts: 14262
HP: 70 MP: 5 Lives: 5
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| Posted: Fri Oct 05, 2007 2:57 pm
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| Quote: | Mandarin died in the twentieth year of the Raven Dynasty, ruled by Queen Raven. During the exact second he died, a little eight year old girl was playing with her dolls. Her mother was being *cragged*. Her father was serving in the military, and he had just betrayed his best friend by literally stabbing him in the back, killing him. This eight year old girl would commit suicide at age nineteen. None of this, however important it seemed to those involved, is not important in any way. These were just daily happenings that had no real meaning. What mattered was a young man, age twenty two, named Jason Miles. He was a common man. He worked a common job in retail for common wages, at a common store named "Shop til you Drop". None of that matters, though. What truly matters in all of this, is when he died. Not where, not how... when. He was shot by an insane man trying to rob the store at the exact moment in time, down to the nanosecond, that Mandarin was killed. Just a useless, pointless coincidence... but this event, the death of these two people at the same time, would bring about the end of the world.
***
Jason was not the smartest man on earth, but he took pride in his intelligence. Because of queen Raven, however, he was forced to work retail. It was honestly the most stupid decision any ruler had made, in Jason's opinion, but it's not like anyone cared for his opinion. He'd already found that out the hard way. So there he sat, waiting for a customer to come in, staring at the door as if it were about to do something amazing, when it swung open, a gun poked through, a bullet came out, and landed right inside poor Jason's skull. It took him a while to realize he was dead. Not really a measurable amount, as time doesn't exist in the afterlife, but a fairly large amount of time. Jason woke up, looked around, saw nothing, noticed there was no ground below him, and did what would come natural to any man in that situation. He screamed. Very loudly, and for an amazingly, yet unmeasurably long amount of time. In fact, it's quite possible that during his screaming, ten civilizations could have risen and fallen... though it's impossible to tell how long anyone does anything when there is no time to measure it with. |
It's becoming harder to actually write this story in first person, so I'm making up excuses to write in third :3 |
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Djacwmwfin
Joshamuffin
Vampire
Joined: 12 Jun 2007
Posts: 3539
HP: 100 MP: 5 Lives: 0
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| Posted: Sun Oct 07, 2007 9:41 pm
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Yay for third person visions!
BTW, I C WUT U DID THAR. You killed one of your many screen names. |
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Burn them out
rawrskey
Benned Vampire
Joined: 03 Jun 2007
Posts: 14262
HP: 70 MP: 5 Lives: 5
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| Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2007 2:54 pm
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| Quote: | Such a depressing day. That doesn't mean I was depressed... I was far too curious to be depressed. That strange thing that happened to me yesterday confused me so very much. I woke up at 8 AM, and looked around my entire living quarters -- which happened to be quite large, actually -- and found absolutely nothing... so I went back to sleep, and woke up at noon. As soon as I woke up, a voice inside my head said "twenty four". Confused, I looked around, asked who was there, and even went outside and looked to see if anyone might be calling from outside. At 1 PM, the voice talked to me again... it said "twenty three". Sure enough, at 2 PM it said "twenty two". What was it counting down for, and why was I hearing it? Had I truly, finally gone insane?
***
In the afterlife, things work much differently than in reality. In fact, it would be fairly accurate to say that nothing works in the afterlife. One such nothing is the Boat of Lost Souls, forever cursed to sail through the dark waters in the dark corners of the afterworld (afterworld is another name for the world that you go to in the afterlife). This boat is no normal boat, obviously. It gives the illusion that you are on the boat by yourself. A few people, however, for whatever reason, were not treated the same way by this illusion, and saw eachother... but not everybody else. There were six people total, including Jason and Mandarin, the "new" arrivals... although time is completely nonexistent in the afterworld. The other four included an alcoholic bum who only lived because of his addictions, a young woman who had lost all hope of life and love, a cold hearted assassin who's only interest was money and murder, and a solemn, but peaceful man, with little hope for humanity, but a large heart and the will to seek justice for all living things. If these six people knew what trials they would need to go through -- and WOULD go through -- they would likely have killed themselves then... if indeed they COULD lose their lives a second time. |
it's picking up. Just be patient. |
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