digibutter.nerr

[Legendary Mashine]

(If anyone is reading this. Hello out there!)

Episode 1 - Are You Asking For a Challenge?

Introduction - By Link

I think it started one day when I was just trying to walk down to the store to get some milk and stuff. I had Navi coming in and going out of my cap, like all the time, and the Castle Town square was pretty busy too. It was kinda warm out so I sat down on one of those little benches outside the store to drink my milk, and in like two minutes there were four girls sitting there with me, two on either side of me. The two on one side were sitting closer to each other than they were to me, and were looking at me and then turned back around to face each other and were giggling and stuff. The two on the other side were more obnoxious, and one of them put her fingers in my hair. So I was all like, "can ya get your fingers out of my hair?" and she's all like "whyyyyy?" and I ended up having to get all pissy at her before she stopped and then they all went away. One of them even batted at Navi like she was a fly or something, which was really rude.
And to tell the truth, all four of the girls were pretty damn hot, and I'd probably do at least one of them if they made a little gaggle around me at a different time, y'know. But the problem is, this happens all the time, whenever I'm just trying to do something normal. So when they went away, I said to Navi, "I really need to pick one of the girls that's always hanging around me and get into a serious relationship with her. Then, like, since everybody talks about me all the time--like, even when I'm standing right there and they talk about me like I can't hear them--then, everyone'll know I'm in a serious relationship and maybe I can drink a *crag* bottle of milk without girls landing on me like flies on a corpse or something. And it'd work out pretty good I'd reckon." And Navi got a little mad and called me shallow but then again she does that every five seconds so who gives a shit.
So when I got up and started walking home, this guy came over to talk to me, I guess he heard me talking to Navi and stuff. He mentioned how I should put up a couple ads in Castle Town, and then have a show that someone could film with a Moving Pictograph Box Camera and people could watch. And in the show, I'd like… have a bunch of girls that wanted to date me, and come up with contests for them to compete in to pick which one is the best girl for me. So I thought, hey, that's actually a really cool idea. And after awhile I did it; I put up ads and had girls write me letters and I picked six of them to compete for me. And here we are…

Scene 1 - Introducing the Contestants

(Entryway of log cabin which is located about a mile west of Castle Town. Filming is being done by the owner of the shooting gallery, and the scene is very nicely organized. Link is standing around in a tunic, vainly fiddling with his hair, and the girls are sitting on the other side of the room. Navi is flying in and out of the camera view.)
Link - So I guess we introduce the girls now… well, first we have Zelda… (approaches Zelda, and she stands up daintily) And she's the princess of Hyrule, 'course… want to say something about yourself, I reckon?
Zelda - (poised and properly) Well. I enjoy reading, and taking walks outside on nice days, and I always put very much effort into being as attractive and intelligent as possible. (curtsies politely and sits back down)
Link - That's really nice, princess. (nods respectfully) And next, we have Malon… (goes over to her next) And, uh… what should we know about you?
Malon - (stands up, blushing and giggling) I like horseback riding, and I like animals, and I like swimming and going outside… (twirls hair around finger) …and I've always dreamt of a knight in shining armor coming to sweep me off my feet, ever since I was a little girl…
Link - (tosses hair) Is that so?
Navi - (from behind the camera) Could they BE more SICKENING?
Malon - Y-yeah…(giggles some more, and sits back down)
Link - Hm. Okay, so next we have Nabooru… (goes over to her) What can you tell us about yourself?
Nabooru - (stands) Well, one thing I've noticed is that I'm significantly older than the other girls here… I also enjoy swordfighting… and that's about all I can think of… (thrusts hips suggestively before sitting down in a rather provocative pose)
Link - Mmmm. And who's next… (approaches a dark-haired girl with something slightly "off" about her) Um, I don't believe I've met you before… (looks her up and down) … but y'all most certainly look like someone I could get along with. Mmm. Well, can you introduce yourself?
Xandi - Well, my name's Xandi… (giggles) and I like… um… I like studying flowers. They're really pretty, and they're also interesting, like as medicine and stuff. I also like, um, history… but for simpler stuff, I like the ocean, and I like cooking too… I can cook for you, and I hope you really like it… (giggles, sits down)
Link - Mmm… nice to meet ya. (approaches the next girl, a very beautiful blonde who also seems to have something "off") Um, I don't think I know you, either… (looks her up/down and grins)
Mary Sue - My name is Mary Sue. (giggles, twirls hair around finger) And there are lots of things I like… I'm really smart and I like reading… I looove cooking and cleaning, and I'm really good at that too… I play lots of instruments... and I like horseback riding, and swordfighting, and I like archery tooo… and I think I'm pretty talented at swordfighting… and, let's see, what else, I like makeup, and doing my hair, and dancing… (giggles, then sits down)
Link - (tosses hair) Talented at swordfighting, eh? We'll have to spar with each other sometime, then.
Mary Sue - (gasps)
Link - Is something wrong?
Mary Sue - (stammering) N-no… it's just that… that sounds ever so delightful… (blushing)
Navi - (behind the camera, quietly, giggling) Well, she's screwed…
Link - Well, glad you think so… okay, let's just introduce this last poor girl and then y'all can go up to your rooms and relax and stuff 'cause I know y'all probably really wanna do that… (approaches Peach, looks at her too) … ummmm… Can you introduce yourself too? I don't know you either… but it's nice to meet ya…
Peach - (stands daintily) My name's Peach… and I'm a princess of a different kingdom, and I came all the way here just to be in this contest… (giggles) Some things that I like are tennis and golf, and I also enjoy making cakes… and it's very much an honor to meet you, and it seems like I'm really going to enjoy my trip here. (sits politely)
Link - That's really interesting. Well, anyway… it's nice to meet y'all, but I bet y'all want to go upstairs and settle in… so if y'all go right to… (points) …that door, y'all can sit there for awhile and set up, and food will be brought to you and you can go to sleep when you want to… okay? (The girls all get up, giggling amongst themselves. Link pauses.) Wait… wait… one more thing. (The girls turn their attention back to him.) Tomorrow afternoon, I'm having the first challenge to see if y'all girls are really up to this… so be ready, 'kay?

Scene 2 - Settling In

(The room consists of six beds lined up with three on one wall, three on the other, and tables with drawers at the foot of each bed. There's a door to one bathroom. The girls enter, and claim their beds. There's no cameraman in the room, but there is a camera hooked up to the corner. It's unknown if the girls know about it being there or not.)
Zelda - (picks the first bed closest to the bathroom door, and gestures toward Peach to take the one next to her)
Peach - (picks the bed that Zelda's indicating) Um… yeah?
Zelda - You're a princess from another kingdom?
Peach - Yeah… why, do you not believe me or something?
Zelda - No, I believe you, and I think we'll get along, so I wanted you to sit next to me.
Peach - Cool! So… um… did you hear what he said about some challenge?
Zelda - Yeah… he mentioned them in the ad, I think, so I was sort of expecting it. It'll probably be something really stupid, knowing him.
Peach - Stupid? Like what?
Zelda - Oh, I don't know. There was this one time he convinced me to go fishing with him… ugh, goddesses, that was awful…
(Those two converse amongst themselves. Meanwhile, Mary Sue, Xandi, and Malon take the three beds in the back corner.)
Xandi - Did you see the way he was looking at me? (giggles) And he said… he said I look like someone he could get along with… (giggles some more)
Mary Sue - Oooooooh…
Xandi - (sly, knowing grin at Mary Sue) And he wants to swordfight with you, too! You're so lucky!
Mary Sue - Hmm… yeah, I guess so.
Xandi - (to Malon) Wow… he was totally flirting with you, too. I mean… like… did you SEE him? Oh my godddd…
Malon - Y-yeah… y'know, I wonder what the contest is going to be? (giggles shyly)
Mary Sue - Maybe it's a beauty contest, hm?
Malon - Ooh… what if he makes it a swordfighting contest? (Mary Sue looks uncomfortable.)
Xandi - Well, no matter what kind of contest it is… I think one of us three is totally going to win. In fact, I will make sure that one of us three is totally going to win. Hm? (grins)
(Malon and Mary Sue giggle in response, and talk amongst themselves as well. Nabooru takes the last available bed, across from Zelda. She tries to look smug and look down on the other, giggling girls, but it shows that she's angry that no one is talking to her. These three little "groups" stay in place for the rest of the evening.)

Scene 3 - The First Contest is Announced

(The girls have eaten dinner, slept, washed and tidied themselves up, and eaten breakfast in the room that they have been given. It's the afternoon of the second day now, and they're gathering in the entryway again to hear the contest plan, chattering anxiously. Link saunters into the room, dressed in loose tan trousers and a tight shirt. This gets all the girls' attention instantly. They wait with bated breath as Navi bobs around Link angrily.)
Navi - I think you're being disgusting. You're supposed to be nice! This is totally objectionable!! This is--
Link - You said it was a good idea before…
Navi - That was before! Ugh… I mean… you're being sooo disgusting! UGH!
Link - If y'all don't like it, ya don't have to be here…
Navi - UGH! Fine. (storms off back into Link's room)
Xandi - (twirls hair around finger) … sooo… about that contest? (The girls look nervous.)
Link - Yeah, about that. I was thinking about starting off going easy on y'all, y'know… (They look relieved for a brief moment.) … but then I thought I should start out with a real hard one. Something that'll show me which of y'all are cut out for this, and which of y'all ain't. (They look even more nervous now, especially Mary Sue and Peach.) So… we're gonna start right at the bottom. We're gonna start with sex appeal. (grins wryly)
Zelda - (stands up, trying to still seem proper while she's clearly very angry) So, does this mean we have to take turns stripping for you or something?
Link - I never said that exactly. If that's what y'all want to do, then by all means do it, but if y'all think you can prove yourself to me with your clothes still on then more power to ya! (Zelda clenches her fists; Link remains nonchalant.) Anyway, you're actually gonna do this competition this evening, so you got from now 'til sunset to figure out what you're gonna do. Y'all can go anywhere ya want between now'n then, even to town, but just be back before the sun goes down. 'Kay? So get to it!
(The girls go to their room, murmuring. They have an overall gloomy and nervous mood, but Link appears to be as chipper as ever.)

Girls' Commentary - Challenge 1 - Zelda

This is horrid. I knew he would pull something stupid, but nothing this stupid. I even knew he would pull this type of thing eventually, but, say… after half of us are eliminated! Not first! Not to mention that I could smell him when he came into the room, and he smelled like alcohol, badly. I swear, when I get my hands on him, this is going to be over.

Girls' Commentary - Challenge 1 - Nabooru

This is great. It's going to be so easy. I'm up against a bunch of little girls, for goddesses' sake. The princess--both the princesses--are flat as a board. They look like children, and it's pathetic. This is pathetically simple. I have this in the bag. I already know exactly what I'm going to do, and he's not going to be able to control himself when I'm done with him.

Deleted Scene 1 - Something Smells Fishy

(The cameraman is downstairs with Link, attempting to do another interview. The front door bursts open suddenly, and a voice screams out, "Hell-looooo, I'm here for the competitiooon…")
Link - (looks toward the person at the door, and drops the cup full of liquor that he had in his hand) Um. No, you're not.
(It's Ruto. She moves into the camera view and tries to hug Link.)
Ruto - But I am! 'Cause I love you so much!
Link - (shoves) No. You're not.
Ruto - (squeezes) But I aaaam!
Link - (draws sword) You're not.
Ruto - Liiiiink… you're so meeeeeean!
Link - Get out, now. I'm serious. (shoves her off camera with the flat side of his sword)
Ruto - Uuuuungh!
(We hear her smack him, and they move across the room fighting. The cameraman starts to follow their movement so we can watch them fight.)
Link - Turn that damn thing off!
Cameraman - But--
Link - Turn it off! Before I--
(The camera clicks off.)

Deleted Scene 2 - The Sentimental Side of Things

Cameraman - (behind the camera, trying to resume the interview) Ever since I got here, I noticed you gulping down liquor like the moon was about to fall. I never got those… vibes from you, man. You're supposed to be a role model, man! I mean… what's with this whole thing, anyway? The girls are stripping for you? That doesn't sound like chivalry to me, man…
Link - Why are you taking this job, then, if it's so wrong to ya?
Cameraman - Are you kiddin' me? Gettin' paid to film hot chicks in skimpy outfits having catfights?!
Link - So, what right have you got to take a high horse over me, then?
Cameraman - Well, I'm just some guy… and you're supposed to be a hero! Not this vain, arrogant womanizer that--that-- …
Link - "You're supposed to be a hero." Hear that? That's why I drink, 'kay? I drink 'cause of people like you.
Cameraman - But… the kids… what about the kids, man? The kids that come up to you, and say, "I wanna be just like you, Link!"
Link - (sighs) The kids… the kids, I respect more than anything else I've got. Y'know why? 'Cause they have it the hardest. They have hope in 'em, and love in 'em, and all that shit… 'cause kids are like…
Kids are like apples. And growing up, coming of age… that's like a *crag* cider mill. It's like… every day, you wake up and you're all fulla juice. You say, I'm gonna be a hero. Or… I'm gonna… fight dragons, or… I'm gonna marry Prince Charming. Or whatever it is. Then, all of a sudden, you grow up. You wake up, and you ain't no apple no more, you're a soggy pulp on the floor. 'Cause you realize you ain't gonna be nothing. You realize you're a *crag* moron in tights living in a treehouse, and maybe you can't even read, and there's no "gonna be a hero" for you.
Or, even worse, goddesses forbid… what if you are that hero. You fought the damn dragons. You got the damn princess. Then, you look up, and you say NOW WHAT? You can't go back to your childhood. There's blood all over your hands. Even if there ain't really blood on your hands right now, the thought's there, the feelin's there, and it ain't never gonna go away. Then ya get all the people who, like, worship the ground you walk on. Decide they're gonna make you… gonna make you a role model. And you wanna say, *crag* you, I don't wanna be famous, don't wanna have to deal with you, I wanna go live on my own, *crag* it. And then you realize you can't live on your own. You've been in… in dungeons for the past year. Or two. Or three. Or seven. You have no idea how to talk to or relate to other people. You have no job skills. And you can either snuff it… or you can lie to everyone about who you are, milk their adoration for all it's worth, and drink like a fish when no one's looking 'cause that's the only way you can take it.
I wanna pick these kids up by the throat and shake 'em and scream at 'em, "DON'T BE LIKE ME WHEN YOU GROW UP."
(appearing drained of energy) … I think I'm gonna take a nap now, 'till the girls are ready to put their little show on for me.
Cameraman - Wow. I'm… I'm sorry. (lifts camera) I'm not gonna show this to anyone. 'Kay?
Link - … 'kay.

Scene 4 - The Girls Prepare

(Nabooru is in the room; it's assumed she's somewhere else, secluded, practicing the "pathetically simple" routine she has in mind. Mary Sue and Xandi sit in their corner, whispering to each other and giggling. Zelda and Peach sit next to each other in their corner; Malon is digging through her belongings.)
Peach - Wow. You got really angry.
Zelda - Um… yes, I did.
Peach - Well, I kinda thought it sounded gross too, but I'm still going to dance for him, not stripping, but still, a dance. But then… what are you going to do? Are you going to forfeit this whole thing?
Zelda - Well, I would love to throttle that little… that little I'm-not-going-to-say-this-word… but I don't want to throw in the towel, 'cause I do still kinda like him… kinda. Maybe I could--WAIT! I've got it! (leans over to Peach and whispers)
Peach - (looks absolutely delighted) YES. THAT'S PERFECT. DO IT!
Zelda - This is amazing. Yes. But I need to go to town to get some… supplies. Anyone else going to town?
Malon - I'll go with you! I need rope for mine.
Zelda - Great. See you in a bit, Peach! (They leave.)
Peach - Oh, my… this is turning out to be a lot more interesting than it seemed at first…

End of Episode 1
Next Episode - Gratuitous Fanservice! And Will the Fecal Matter Hit the Air Circulation Device?



Episode 2 - Naked Chicks, Real Feelings, and Peach Problems

Scene 1 - Gratuitous Fanservice

(It's sunset, and everyone, sans Navi, is getting to the main room for what is apparently the open-ended sex appeal contest. Mary Sue, Xandi, Nabooru, and Peach are already waiting; Malon has just entered from outside and sat down. They all have an assortment of skimpy costumes on, from a spandex soccer uniform to a sparkly harem outfit to a tiny cowgirl outfit.)
Link - Do we have everybody? (counts) One, two, three, four, five… we're missing one. Who're we missing… got Peach… got Malon… we're missing Zelda. Has anyone seen her--
(The door pops open. Mario and Toadsworth enter.)
Link - Eh?
(Peach looks like she wants to sink into the floor. The other girls look at her.)
Toadsworth - Peach! We found you! We've been looking all over for you for days!
Mario - What-a the hell-a are you doing-a here-a? I see-a! I save-a you every time-a you're kidnapped, and I'm-a still not good enough for you-a! (grabs Peach by the arms and drags her toward the door) I gotta few-a choice words for you-a-- (drags Peach out)
Toadsworth - (glances around awkwardly) Um… sorry to interrupt you? But I must be going… (leaves)
(Everyone stares blankly at each other in silence for awhile. Then, Zelda enters, in a long black trench coat. She closes the door behind her and sits down.)
Zelda - Well, that was strange. I'll have to write her a letter tomorrow, I suppose.
Link - Well… looks like I don't have to kick off whoever performs worst in the contest then… 'cause she already got kicked off, I reckon… make sure y'all send her my apologies in the letter, 'kay? However… the contest is still going on, 'cause the two best performers get a special afternoon out with me tomorrow as a prize. (grins) … So, how this is gonna work. There's a camera mounted in the corner of my bedroom, and y'all are gonna go in there, one at a time, and perform for me in front of my bed. Y'all each get five minutes maximum, but y'all don't have to use all five of 'em. Then, tomorrow morning, y'all are going to start to take your meals in the kitchen, 'stead of upstairs. That way, whenever there's a contest, I'm announcing which of y'all won at breakfast. Got it? So, who's going first?
(Zelda starts to get up to volunteer, but Nabooru shoves her down and stands up.)
Nabooru - I'm first. (picks up scimitar)
Link - Okay then, if you're that excited about it… (leads her into his room)

Gratuitous Fanservice 1 - Nabooru

(Link sits comfily on his bed, with a glass of liquor. Nabooru stands in front of the bed in a harem outfit with a scimitar.)
Link - All right… show me what you've got.
Nabooru - (swings her scimitar to right at Link's throat under his chin, and pushes his head up so he's forced to look her straight in the eye) Damn right I'll show you, little boy.
Link - W-whoa… okay…
Nabooru - Good. Now that you've learned who's boss here. (pats him gently on the head with a sly smile, then takes a step back, and begins dancing.)
(Her dance is unique, a combination of belly dance that causes the small chains on her pants to jingle, and an intense sword-twirling dance. She moves smoothly and erotically; Link watches in a mix of fear, interest, and arousal. In the midst of her dance, she makes a swift criss-cross movement with the scimitar that slices her own pants to ribbons and leaves her dancing in her tiny harem top and panties. The panties also have chains on them.)
Link - Damn.
(She continues dancing, and after a short while more, she makes more swift scimitar slices which cut her top off. Nothing is underneath. [Censor blur.])
Link - My goddesses… mmm, hot… really hot… damn…
(Her dance goes on, and finally she cuts her own panties to ribbons. [Censor blur again.] There's still about a minute of time left; she finished with a fancy sword-twirling move that, once again, lands directly at Link's throat. She brings his head up to force him to look her in the eye again; she's still naked.)
Nabooru - So, little boy… like it?
Link - Yeah. Hell yeah. … but, um… (looks down at her clothes, which are sliced up on the floor, gets up, and puts them in the wastebasket; pauses; gets an extra tunic out of his drawer and hands it to her) … might want to wear this on your way back up to the room. (smiles) Mmmm…
Nabooru - (grabs the tunic and pulls it on) Hmph. (exits)

Deleted Scene 3 - If That's What Makes You Happy

(This scene is taken from the camera in the corner of the girls' bedroom. Nabooru enters, right from the end of her performance, and she changes out of the tunic and into her bra and loose pants. [Censor blur while she's changing.] She pauses, then holds up the tunic and looks at it, finding a dried blood spot.)
Nabooru - (hops up and down in a brief moment of extreme joy) He lent me his tunic! And it has his dried blood on it! …I'll return it in the morning, but for now… (dives into the bed, clutching the tunic closely to her chest and face like a security blanket) … mmmmm…

Meanwhile, Back Downstairs…

Link - Okay, who's next?
Zelda - (starts to get up to volunteer)
Xandi - (pushes Zelda out of her way and gets up instead) Me!
Link - All right… let's go…

Gratuitous Fanservice 2 - Xandi

(Link sits on the bed again; Xandi stands in front of it, in a little black dress.)
Link - 'Kay… what've you got for me?
(Xandi wastes absolutely no time in pulling her dress off, going right up to the wooden bedpost, and pressing her [censor-blurred] body up against it. She writhes against it and licks it sensually; Link is aroused and interested at first, but when she just keeps this up for the full five minutes he grows bored. She stops when her time is up and puts her dress back on.)
Xandi - Well?
Link - (his eyes dart around the room as he ponders how to not insult her while simultaneously not lying to her) Well… well, I wish I was the bedpost right there.
Xandi - (giggles) Well, gosh… maybe later?
Link - Sure… I'm afraid time's up now though.
Xandi - Oh, well… (giggles)

Next Up?

(Xandi goes upstairs, Link stays by the door.)
Link - Next?
Zelda - (tries once more to get up and volunteer)
Mary Sue - (nudges Zelda over subtlely, and gets up) Might as well get it over with… (giggles)
Link - All right then… let's get it over with.

Gratuitous Fanservice 3 - Mary Sue

(Again, Link lounges on his bed, drinking more liquor. Mary Sue stands in front of the bed in a ballerina dress without tights.)
Link - Okay… let's see you dance, then.
Mary Sue - Are you suuuure? (giggles)
Link - I'm sure. Go.
(Mary Sue does a cute little ballet dance… cute, until it becomes apparent that there are no panties under her tutu either. [Censor blurred.] Link is mildly interested, but is mostly disappointed. She giggles.)
Link - Don't play innocent with me, you bad little girl. I mean, I like what I see… but I know you can show me a lot more.
Mary Sue - Really?
Link - Damn well really.
Mary Sue - Well, okayyy… (removes her whole dress and does a little twirl while naked) Like this?
Link - (ogles her) Um… yeah. Like this.
Mary Sue - (puts dress back on) Good, 'cause I can't think of anything else. I'm a good girl, y'know! (giggles)
Link - I'm sure you are.

(They exit from the room, and Mary Sue goes upstairs while Link remains by the door again.)
Link - Wanna volunteer, or do I have to pick?
Zelda - (about to get up and volunteer)
Malon - (pops up rapidly) I'll try!
Link - All right… you try. (They go into the room; Zelda scowls.)

Gratuitous Fanservice 4 - Malon

(Link is on the bed, sipping liquor; Malon stands in front of the bed in a tiny, tight cowgirl outfit with a rope.)
Link - Okay… go, sweetie.
Malon - I… I don't know how to start… I knew what I was going to do, but… I don't know how to start… um… um… (She starts to tie knots in the rope, but the more she ties, the more frustrated she looks, and she begins to choke up. There is an awkward silence. Eventually she flings herself at the bed in desperation, crying.) I don't know what to do!!
Link - (blushes and pulls Malon into his lap) Aww, it's okay, sweetie… especially 'cause a girl as sexy as you doesn't have to do anything to turn me on. (He laughs, and nuzzles her neck affectionately.)
Malon - B-but… (sniffles)
Link - Aww, stop it. (leans up against the bedpost with her still in his lap)
Malon - (leans up against the bedpost and spreads her legs out) Are you sure?
Link - I'm sure, sweetie.
(He kisses her softly; she kisses back. He pulls away for a second and starts to stroke her hair, but she persists in kissing him, and they kiss very deeply. She wraps her arms around his waist, and he runs his fingers down her thigh; soon, they start stroking each other all over, and making out. She's very embarrassed and is still crying softly, but he's enjoying it, perhaps too much. Five minutes pass, and Link gently eases off of Malon, yawns, and stretches. She wipes the tears off her face.)
Link - Mmmm… see? Mmmm… yeah… did we have to stop that? Can't we do that for another… hour maybe? Mmmmmm.
Malon - Um… Zelda still has to go. (blushes)
Link - Oh. Right. She does. (They exit.)

(Malon goes upstairs, still blushing and wiping tears from her face. Zelda stands up and stomps into Link's room before he can say anything, dragging him along with her.)

Gratuitous Fanservice 5 - Zelda

Link - (sits on the bed, sips liquor) What's with the trenchcoat?
Zelda - Shut up. (She removes the trenchcoat to reveal an outfit very, very uncharacteristic of her: a leather teddy, leather gloves, knee-high boots with spike heels, and fishnet garters. She takes a leather whip out of the large inside pocket of the trenchcoat.)
Link - Holy--how'd you even get that stuff, without people asking you--
Zelda - I gave Malon the money and sent her into the store for me. Now, shut up before I make you. (cracks whip)
Link - Y-yes, princess!
Zelda - Link… do you know what you've been lately?
Link - No?
Zelda - A drunken chauvinist pig. That's what you've been lately.
Link - (wide-eyed, puts cup down) Um… I'll stop?
Zelda - You will, will you? (cracks whip)
Link - Y-yes…
Zelda - (whips Link across the back suddenly)
Link - (flinches) Um…
Zelda - (whips him three or four more times)
Link - (forces himself to look up at her) What're you doing--
Zelda - What're you doing? (whips) Getting drunk all the time? (whips) Treating girls like objects? (whips) You would, wouldn't you? (whips) Of course. It's just the thing someone as childish as you would do. (continues whipping sporadically)
Link - Please stop… have you gone crazy? You were just sitting out there, and… and then… um… well, um, actually… don't stop, 'cause it feels… really, really sexy in this weird sort of way, but…
Zelda - Hm. (She puts the whip back in the trenchcoat pocket, and sprawls out on the front of the bed provocatively.)
Link - Uh… um… are you okay?
Zelda - (strokes his hair, then leans over suggestively so that he's looking down her top) Hm. Well, you are being an asshole, but I can't really stay mad at you, can I?
Link - Uh… um… mmmmmhhhh… I guess not…
Zelda - (gently strokes his arm) Are you going to try to be less of an asshole now, at least?
Link - Y-yes, princess!! (blushes furiously)
Zelda - Good. (gives him a light kiss, then leaves to go upstairs)
Link - … … … damn. Whatever the hell that was… it was hot. Ugh… I think I'm bleeding, too… (wipes hand on back, finds a little blood) Oooohhh. (shivers)

Contest 1 Impressions - Betcha Can't Pick Just Two

(Outside in the barn the next morning. Link is brushing and feeding Epona as he talks. Navi is present.)
Navi - What, are you here to objectify Epona and I too now? Is no girl safe?
Link - Can you cram it, just this once? I'm supposed to be giving my opinions on the first contest here.
Navi - Well, if you're going to talk about that disgusting thing, I don't even want to hear it. (flies off)
Link - Thank goddesses. Now I can… wait, there's one thing I need to clear up first. The stuff I say now, will they be seeing it?
Cameraman - The girls, no. The audience, yes.
Link - Perfect. 'Cause that Mary Sue bitch is *crag* up. She's obviously lying to me about everything she says, and I really, really want to call her out on it. Like… to make the next contest one of the things she claims she can do, but I know she can't… like cooking, or swordfighting… so she knows her lying ain't gonna be tolerated.
Then there's Xandi. She's got potential, but she's… not doing it. There's just something she's not doing, and I don't really like her because of it.
Peach, on the other hand, I'm sad to see her go. She was really sweet, and pretty hot, and I was looking forward to getting to know her. Kinda pissed me off what happened, but it's probably better off for her, not getting all mixed up in my… uh, never mind. I'll miss her.
Now… Malon. And Nabooru. And Zelda. Zelda especially… damn. Just damn. Why the hell did I say I was going to pick just two? 'Cause I really want all three of them. Like, I was totally drunk last night, and it was weird, but… they were so hot… sooo hot… and I don't know who to pick…
Cameraman - Well, the way I see it, Malon never did anything for you, so I wouldn't pick her.
Link - Are you shittin' me? Malon didn't do anything for me? Oh, yeah she did, she… mmm… and she… yeah… and she… is really, really *crag* sexy. Especially in those tiny shorts. She is sexy.
Cameraman - How about Zelda then? She just kept going on about how you're a chauvinist, and she beat the shit outta you… don't pick her, then.
Link - If she really thought I was a chauvinist, she wouldn't be here right now. I mean… I know she really was pissed at me, but… I think she understands about--about--you know. And that's why she's still here. (sighs and hugs Epona) Plus, she's really, really sexy when she's mad. And she knows I think she's sexy when she's mad. It's like she did it on purpose, just to *crag* with my head, and… never mind. I really liked hers.
Cameraman - So you liked Malon's, and you liked Zelda's. Then don't pick Nabooru.
Link - But I can't do that, either!
Cameraman - Well, why the hell not!
Link - She's the only one who followed directions! She knew what she was doing, unlike half of everyone else, who kept asking me in the middle if what they were doing was right or not. And she stayed in front of the bed. She didn't get on it, or hump it, or anything. … plus, she had great tits. But besides that. She was the only one who followed all the directions, and she deserves recognition for it.
Cameraman - Then pick all three of 'em, *crag*!
Link - I can't! I said I'd pick two!
Cameraman - Then shut your pie hole and stop being so *crag* difficult!
Link - Hey! I didn't even ask you what you thought, okay?
Cameraman - I said, shut your pie hole!
(The camera clicks off)

End of Episode 2
Next Episode - Who Wins the Contest? And, Just Like Every Series Has, a Swimming Episode Just So the Girls Have to Wear Bikinis!

[Vivian]

Ima say Zelda and Nabooru just because they did....... something.

I love your reality sleaze x3.

[Legendary Mashine]

Episode 3 - Milf and Loaches

Scene 1 - The Mild Enjoyment of Victory, The Tantrum of Defeat

(The girls sit in the kitchen eating eggs and drinking orange juice. Navi has entered through the window and flutters around fussily. Nabooru has the tunic on, and is sitting at the end of the able. Link enters from the back door, grabs an apple, pours a small cup of liquor, and sits at the head of the table.)
Link - So, how are y'all this morning?
Mary Sue - Great, how are you!?
(Zelda, Xandi, and Nabooru look impatient.)
Xandi - So… what are we doing today?
Link - Well… three of y'all can do whatever y'all want to… two of y'all can go to the lake with me. (grins)
Navi - I'm definitely staying behind… (flies off)
(short pause)
Xandi - (huffs) Well?
Link - (smirks) … fine, I'll tell. (dramatic pause) The first winner… (dramatic camera closeup and dramatic pause) is Zelda.
(Dramatic camera closeup to Zelda; she grins warmly.)
Link - And the second is… (another dramatic pause)
(Nabooru forces a sultry smile across the table at Link; Mary Sue makes sad puppy eyes.)
Link - … Malon.
(Dramatic closeup to Malon; Zelda grins broadly and gives her a one-armed hug. Malon's jaw drops and she blushes intensely.)
Link - … it was really hard to pick. Seriously, it was. Y'all did an amazing job, and I'm sorry if I didn't pick ya.
(Nabooru takes the tunic off, throws it across the table in a huff, and goes outside in her underwear.)
Link - (catches the tunic before it can hit him and hangs it on the back of his chair) … well, someone's moody. Anyway… y'all two better go upstairs and get ready…
Malon - (still blushing furiously) O-okay…
(Zelda grins, and they both go upstairs.)
Mary Sue - (cheerful, takes a bite of her eggs) It's okay, we're big girls, we can take a loss. What can we do better next time?
Link - Well… I reckon we won't have another contest like that one for awhile… (pauses to think for a second) … all y'all really need to do for the next ones, though, is to keep in good shape… I reckon that'll do ya.
Mary Sue - … so… um… what else can we talk about while we finish eating, 'cause if we just sit here not talking it's pretty awkward… um…
Xandi - Um… what're you doing for work lately, Link?
Link - Mostly I rely on my livestock and crops and all, y'know? Pumpkins, milk, apples…
Xandi - That's interesting. I really like growing things too. I like medicinal herbs, and botany, and stuff.
Link - Well, maybe that's what you can do today, you can look at the plants outside… I think it'll interest you… I really have to go now, though… sorry… (picks up stuff and leaves)
Xandi - I'm done. Are you done?
Mary Sue - Sure… let's go upstairs. (They leave through the front door into the living room area.)

Scene 2 - Fish and Bitch

(Link, Malon, Zelda, and the poor Cameraman have ridden down to the lake on horses. Malon and Zelda have cute, simple sun-dresses on, yellow and pink respectively, and Link has a tight sage-green shirt and tan leather trousers. They've gotten off the horses by the fence, and Link is walking them down to the water's edge to hitch them to the scarecrow post. The Cameraman is filming all of them from walking alongside them.)
Malon - Let's go fishing first! Then we can cook the fish and have our picnic and go swimming!
Zelda - Shouldn't we swim first? I was always told not to swim after eating, because it causes cramps and you could drown.
Malon - Aw, bull pucky. I swim after eating all the time and I ain't drowned yet!
Link - Plus, if anything happens to anybody, there're two other people to help pull 'em out.
Zelda - Well, I guess that's alright…
Malon - (grabs a fishing rod from the pack on Epona's back and runs for the water) I bet I catch a fish first!
Zelda - Well, if you start fishing first, you probably will.
Link - Oh, really? Well, I bet I start fishing last 'cause I have to hitch the horses up… and I bet I still catch a fish before either of y'all do!
Zelda - Actually… you can count me out of this one. I really don't have the desire to be that close to something's innards. I'll read, and you can come get me when it's cooked.
Link - (grins mischievously)
Zelda - And don't pull that whole leaving-the-head-on-it-when-you-cook-it-so-it-looks-like-it's-staring-at-me-when-I'm-trying-to-eat-it shi--um, stuff.
Link - (hitches the horses up and grabs a fishing rod) You ruin all my fun.
Malon - (giggles) Hey Link… I got a fish! (sticks tongue out)
Link - Ugh, the both of y'all… I can still get one bigger'n yours, though! (starts fishing)

Scene 3 - What the Other Girls Are Up To

(Meanwhile, back in the girls' room. Xandi and Mary Sue are sitting on Xandi's bed, and Nabooru is still outside in her underwear doing god knows what.)
Mary Sue - What are we going to do today? I mean… Link isn't even here! We should, y'know, make something for him, or do something nice for him, or something…
Xandi - Well, I was going to take care of the vegetables for him… why don't you clean his room?
Mary Sue - His room? Are we allowed to go in there?
Xandi - You're only cleaning it for him. Y'know, like dusting? Folding the clothes, making the bed? It's not like you're digging around in it…
Mary Sue - B-but… what if I find something?
Xandi - You won't find anything. What d'you think you'll find, drugs?
Mary Sue - Weapons?
Xandi - Whatever. Don't do anything for him if it bothers you that much. You just won't get any recognition then.
Mary Sue - Maybe I'll clean the bathrooms, okay? But I'm not going into his room without asking!
Xandi - That's fine with me. I'm going to go do the garden now… (gets up)
Mary Sue - Okay. I'll go do the bathrooms. … In a second.
(Xandi leaves. Mary Sue looks around, then scuttles down the stairs when she can tell Xandi has gone outside.)

Scene 4 - While The Cat's Away…

(Link, Zelda, and Malon are having a picnic; each of them have fish kebabs, plain rice, grapes, sweet mochi dumplings, and a bottle of Lon Lon Milk. Malon flicks the occasional grape or clump of rice at Link, taunting him for not being as good at fishing as she is.)
Link - (closes up milk bottle and stashes it in basket) I'm going swimming.
Zelda - (packs up food) I'm waiting 'till Malon's done. I don't trust you.
Link - Aww, you don't think I look trustworthy, princess? (makes a wide-eyed face at Zelda)
Zelda - Oh, shut it. You look cute, but not trustworthy.
(Malon giggles. Link stretches, removes his shirt and boots, scurries down the grassy hill, and slips into the water in just his leather trousers. Malon and Zelda look at each other.)
Malon - Oooh. I really want to get in the water now. (packs her stuff away)
Zelda - (grins) I know, right?
(They remove their sundresses. Zelda's bikini is only a little skimpy, and pink with a ruffled trim. Malon's is very skimpy, and is white with yellow gingham print on it. Link turns around and looks up in interest.)
Zelda - … you know, I have half a mind to come over there and slap you. At least I know how to ogle subtly. … (slips foot in water) Ugh… cold! Cold! Cold!!
Link - Looks like you can't come over and slap me then, eh?
Malon - (giggles, cannonballs into the water, soaking Zelda)
Zelda - Cold, cold, COLD!!! (shivers, tries to slip foot in water again)
Malon - (pops up to the top of the surface again right halfway between where Zelda is at shore and where Link is) Might as well come in now if you're already wet. Geez.
Zelda - Well… (She pauses, looks down at Malon and Link in the water, then at the water, then over past the lake laboratory.) Do you guys mind if I go sit in the waterfall?
Malon - Um, no… not at all? Why?
Zelda - Um, I… I don’t know. I just wanted to sit there is all. It feels good. Just for a bit. Are you sure you don't mind?
Malon - I don’t mind, I guess?
Zelda - Okay, if you don't mind, then…
(Zelda goes off to sit at the base of the waterfall. Malon moves to the shade under the cliff that the lakeside lab is on top of, and Link floats around in the middle of the lake for a bit.)
Malon - … what was that about?
Link - (swims over to Malon) What're you asking me for? I don't know what goes on in that crazy girl's head!
Malon - Well, you've known her longer than I have, so I figured you'd have a better idea.
Link - Well, yeah, I've known her, but she's a princess, and, well… I don't think I could ever tell what she was thinking.
(Malon is silent for awhile, leaning back on the rock, and Link is also silent. Then…)
Malon - … Do you think you can tell what I'm thinking?
Link - … well… I'm hoping you're happy to be here with me right now… because I know I'm happy to be here with you…
(Link and Malon both stare at the water and blush. Slowly, they look up, and their eyes meet. Gently, he slides an arm around her waist. She puts her hands on his waist and looks up at him, slightly embarrassed; he leans down and kisses her, softly and gently but very intensely. As they kiss, he takes his arm that's around her waist and slowly creeps his hand down her back to her rear. He puts his other arm around his shoulders, and slides that hand down to her breast. She is too engulfed in the kiss to notice, especially because at this point he's licking her neck. He gently squeezes her breast, and she notices, but she doesn't seem to care; she just breathes heavily and returns to kissing him. They lose themselves in this for about half an hour until they hear Zelda returning, then split up nervously in seconds and act as if they were swimming about innocently the whole time.)
Zelda - … the bottom of the waterfall's great! … until you get up, of course. What do you say we go back? Please?!?
Link - Um… sure… sure!
Malon - I'll get the blanket…
(They pack up and prepare to leave.)

Scene 5 - … The Mice Will Play

(Cameras positioned throughout the farm see what the other girls were up to throughout the day with Link, Zelda, and Malon gone. Most of the cameras didn't have much footage on them, except for the one in Link's room…)
(Mary Sue enters the room with a feather duster in hand, wearing a French maid outfit. She closes the door behind her; it seems she does not realize there's a camera in the room.)
Mary Sue - I really couldn't resist Xandi's suggestion after all! Guess I'm just maid to please… (giggles quietly at her own joke) … I'd stack up the clean clothes nicely, if I knew which ones were clean and which ones were dirty… guess I'll just have to wash them all then, hm? (She takes out a small bag that matches her outfit, and starts loading clumps of clothes into it; she carries on like this for awhile until she feels something hard and rectangular in one clump of clothes.) … what's this… (She pulls it out of the clump; it's a book bound in leather that has been dyed hunter green. The front has a label in Ancient Hylian that has been crossed out, and replaced with "YES I HAVE VOMITED ON IT" in the more modern Anglican Hylian text.) V-vomit? Ugh… glad I have gloves on… but what do I do with this… well, what is it in the first place? (She ponders for a moment, then flips it open to a random place in the middle.) It doesn't say anything inside of it… is it a notebook? (She flips the pages back slowly until she finds one with words on it. The handwriting is short and scratchy.) I wonder who wrote in it… what does this say… um… (pauses again, then clears throat and begins to read it.)
"Some of these chicks are *crag* amazing, like Nabooru. She's old enough to be my mom, and I kind of wonder if she has any kids of her own, I'm pretty sure she does. But she is absolutely wild and absolutely luscious. Her tits are so big and round and I wonder how the hell they stay so perky. That thing with the scimitar was so sexy too… I guess it's like some weird kind of subconscious thing, that since I'm so tired of being the one in charge and shit in a regular life situation that in a sexual situation I absolutely love being submissive. Especially submitting to a sultry milf like her, mm, she can spank me any time she wants… =)"
Mary Sue - Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ughhhhh… this is Link's, and it's so rude, and… if I keep reading on it just gets worse… if I knew a guy was old enough to be my dad, it'd totally stop at that, never mind how much I want to… or, should I say don't want to… ughhhhh… wait, ugh… the stuff inside was so disgusting that for a moment I forgot how much he would kill me if he knew I read it… ugh… ughhhh… *drops the notebook onto the bed quickly, still open, like it's some kind of dead animal* I have to get out of here… what if he comes home, like, now?! Ughhhh-hhh-hhhh-hhhh!!!! *runs out of the room without finishing her cleaning job first, leaving the book still open on the bed*
(And that's all we see of that.)

Scene 6 - The Return

(Zelda, Link, and Malon come back into the cabin.)
Zelda - (yells up as she runs up the stairs) IF ANYONE IS IN THE BATHROOM, GET OUT NOW. IF YOU DO NOT GET OUT I WILL BURST IN AND TAKE MY PANTS OFF AND HIT YOU WITH THEM, AND I WILL NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT YOU SEEING ANYTHING OF ME WITHOUT MY PANTS ON BECAUSE THERE WILL BE SAND IN YOUR EYES FOR DAYS.
Mary Sue - (from the bathroom) I'M GETTING OUT! (she runs out onto the balcony with several layers of fabric haphazardly wrapped around her) Phew… (quietly) the coast is clear, I think.
(Malon goes upstairs and waits patiently in the line for the bathroom. Mary Sue goes to take a place behind her, she moves back behind Mary Sue.)
Malon - No, you go first, you started so you should finish.
Link - (looking up at the balcony, grinning warmly, quietly to himself) Aww… Malon is just so sweet. (louder, so any girls that are indoors can hear) I'm just gonna take a short rest in my room, 'kay? And I'll get up in like an hour and make dinner for y'all… hope y'all like loach, 'cause we-- (Malon glares down at Link from the balcony) --Malon caught a nice one. (goes into room)
(Switch to camera hanging from Link's bedroom…)
Link - (murmuring to self) Ugh… so tiiiired… if Nabooru was inside I'd ask her to come nap with me so I could use her tits as a pillow, she probably would… bet they're soft… … something feels weird in here… what's with this bag? (looks at the lacy black and white laundry bag) … Oh, well, probably something of mine I forgot about… (yawns and plunks down on bed, hits into the notebook) … what's… … (looks at notebook, re-reads own diary entry dully) … oh, yeah… it's this… wait… … shit, someone was in here today and they read this! Shit, shit, shit, shit… ughhh, shit!!!