digibutter.nerr

[MILF with a gun]

Yeah...

I wrote a lot of depressing poetry back when I was eleven... xD
So recently I was looking through my old literature, and found a poem that eleven year old me wrote.
=O!
And, since I sort of liked it, I decided to share it with you, and see how many of you hate it.
xD

Poem -

Inconsistent as the summer breeze,
Your smile makes my heart freeze,
Crushing my hope, blocking my sight,
I wonder if I'll be alive tonight,
Carelessly your lips touch mine,
And instantly all thoughts are gone from my mind,
Thoughtless and careless standing alone,
A myriad of watercolors melt into view,
But all I can sum it up to is you,
As normal, you're gone when I need you,
But I can't help but think,
All you said earlier,
Was any of it true?

...
Rawr.
._.;

[Paper Peach]

Wow. I like it :3 Very nice, with a nice sort of air around it as you read it (can't explain it XD) Nice job :3 ((By the way, your sig freaked me out XD))

[MILF with a gun]

Thanks. ^^

( Anyway, yes. The sig is supposed to freak people out. xD )

[Inyro]

Now, I'm no expert on poetry, but to me I really think this could have had more emotion put into it.

As a great poet once said, "Poems should be the result of a great overflow of emotion."

The poem is fine in and of itself, but I also noticed a distinct lack of periods. I understand that the rules of grammar are bendable in poetry, but what you have is a huge run-on sentence with a rhyme scheme.

Admittedly, the meter is nice, and consistent (something I find excessively lacking nowadays), and gives the poem a good rhythm, but for a depressing poem I almost expect longer lines, slower meter, and some more actual depressing feeling expressed.

You painted a good image in my mind (great compared to the idiots I am forced to work with), and I commend you for that. But this isn't really depressing. Sad, yes. Deep, somewhat. Depressing, no.

[MILF with a gun]

Yeah, I know exactly what you're saying. ^^;

It's not really that it's depressing, just sad and deep.
Also, I honestly have little lack of poetry knowledge to be honest, because I stick to normal literature. xx;

Anyway, yeah. I agree that more feeling could be put into it and such, and now that I look back and read it, it doesn't really..."fit together" I guess you could say. I don't really believe many people have a lot of knowledge literature-wise before they're at least fourteen. But that's probably me.

Thanks for giving me a few tips for the future, though. ^^

[Inyro]

No problem. I'm probably more affluent in poetry than any other form of writing, though I do have a good amount of experience in story writing...

Just don't go trying to change the poem now. I personally think that once a poem is finished, there's a 15 minute timeframe where the poem can be edited for meter problems or the like. Never try to change a poem at a later date.

=)