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Alice MILF with a gun Burning
Joined: 14 Oct 2007 Posts: 12888
HP: 57 MP: 0 Lives: 0
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Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 3:55 pm
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Yeah...
I wrote a lot of depressing poetry back when I was eleven... xD So recently I was looking through my old literature, and found a poem that eleven year old me wrote. =O! And, since I sort of liked it, I decided to share it with you, and see how many of you hate it. xD
Poem -
Inconsistent as the summer breeze, Your smile makes my heart freeze, Crushing my hope, blocking my sight, I wonder if I'll be alive tonight, Carelessly your lips touch mine, And instantly all thoughts are gone from my mind, Thoughtless and careless standing alone, A myriad of watercolors melt into view, But all I can sum it up to is you, As normal, you're gone when I need you, But I can't help but think, All you said earlier, Was any of it true?
... Rawr. ._.; |
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Paper Peach
Joined: 27 Jun 2007 Posts: 4226
HP: 14 MP: 2 Lives: 0
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Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 4:40 pm
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Wow. I like it :3 Very nice, with a nice sort of air around it as you read it (can't explain it XD) Nice job :3 ((By the way, your sig freaked me out XD)) |
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Alice MILF with a gun Burning
Joined: 14 Oct 2007 Posts: 12888
HP: 57 MP: 0 Lives: 0
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Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 6:27 pm
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Thanks. ^^
( Anyway, yes. The sig is supposed to freak people out. xD ) |
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Creatively Depressed Inyro Vampire
Joined: 21 Jan 2008 Posts: 40
HP: 65 MP: 3 Lives: 0
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Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 8:47 pm
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Now, I'm no expert on poetry, but to me I really think this could have had more emotion put into it.
As a great poet once said, "Poems should be the result of a great overflow of emotion."
The poem is fine in and of itself, but I also noticed a distinct lack of periods. I understand that the rules of grammar are bendable in poetry, but what you have is a huge run-on sentence with a rhyme scheme.
Admittedly, the meter is nice, and consistent (something I find excessively lacking nowadays), and gives the poem a good rhythm, but for a depressing poem I almost expect longer lines, slower meter, and some more actual depressing feeling expressed.
You painted a good image in my mind (great compared to the idiots I am forced to work with), and I commend you for that. But this isn't really depressing. Sad, yes. Deep, somewhat. Depressing, no. |
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Alice MILF with a gun Burning
Joined: 14 Oct 2007 Posts: 12888
HP: 57 MP: 0 Lives: 0
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Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 9:13 pm
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Yeah, I know exactly what you're saying. ^^;
It's not really that it's depressing, just sad and deep. Also, I honestly have little lack of poetry knowledge to be honest, because I stick to normal literature. xx;
Anyway, yeah. I agree that more feeling could be put into it and such, and now that I look back and read it, it doesn't really..."fit together" I guess you could say. I don't really believe many people have a lot of knowledge literature-wise before they're at least fourteen. But that's probably me.
Thanks for giving me a few tips for the future, though. ^^ |
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Creatively Depressed Inyro Vampire
Joined: 21 Jan 2008 Posts: 40
HP: 65 MP: 3 Lives: 0
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Posted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 8:01 pm
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No problem. I'm probably more affluent in poetry than any other form of writing, though I do have a good amount of experience in story writing...
Just don't go trying to change the poem now. I personally think that once a poem is finished, there's a 15 minute timeframe where the poem can be edited for meter problems or the like. Never try to change a poem at a later date.
=) |
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