ZODIAC MOTHER*CRAG*ER DRINKS KESSLER AND IS BANNED FOR LIFE FROM THE GIANT BOMB COMMUNITY FOR NINE HUNDRED COUNTS OF AGGRAVATED OWNAGE. HE LEAVES BITCHES MEWLING IN HIS WAKE AND IF YOU DONT BELIEVE THAT SHIT THEN CHECK THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW

ZODIAC IS A FORMER RESIDENT OF DETROIT BUT THESE DAYS HE ROLLS DOLO FROM CITY TO CITY LIKE A *CRAG*ING DERELICT IN HIS LINCOLN. SO WHEN YOU SEE THAT BLACK BATTLESHIP ROAMING THE STREETS WITH AXEL F BLASTING OUT THE *CRAG*ING WINDOWS YOULL KNOW THAT THE ZODIAC HAS COME TO YOUR TOWN. KNEEL

IN THE MEANTIME PAY HOMAGE AT TWITTER.COM/ZODIAC_MF

10. MIDWAY ARCADE ORIGINS

THIS COMPILATION IS NINETY-FIVE PERCENT BULLSHIT AND IT ACTS LIKE THE HD VERSIONS THAT WERE ON XBOX LIVE LIKE SEVEN *CRAG*ING YEARS AGO NEVER EXISTED BUT IT FEATURES THE GAME OF KINGS JOUST AND IT IS NOW THE ONLY WAY TO ACQUIRE THAT ALLTIME CLASSIC ON XBOX 360. CAN YOU DROP THY OSTRICHS BALLS IN THY OPPONENTS FACE BEFORE HE DOES THE SAME TO THEE? NOPE. YOU PROBABLY CANT

9. SLEEPING DOGS

TAKE GRAND THEFT AUTO ADD SOME AWESOME CHINESE DUDES AND REPLACE THE WACK GUNPLAY WITH TOTAL *CRAG*ING HAND-TO-HAND BRUTALITY AND OWNAGE AND YOU GOT SLEEPING DOGS. I MEAN YEAH IT AINT REVOLUTIONARY OR ANYTHING BUT ITS STILL A BLAST AND I CAN NOT STRESS IT ENOUGH: IT IS IMMENSELY SATISFYING TO BEAT THE HOLY GODDAMN *CRAG*ING SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE IN THIS GAME. ITS LIKE BATMAN: ARKHAM ASYLUM IF BATMAN BEAT *CRAG*ERS TO DEATH WITH WHATEVERS HANDY LIKE HE SHOULD. ATTENTION VOLITION: STEAL THIS SHIT

8. DEFCON: EVERYBODY DIES

YEAH THIS GAME CAME OUT IN 2006 SO ITS KINDA *CRAG*ED UP IM LISTING IT AS ONE OF MY FAVORITE GAMES OF 2012 BUT THERES A COUPLE OF POINTS TO CONSIDER HERE: NUMBER ONE I DO WHATEVER THE *CRAG* I WANT AND NUMBER TWO IF YOU HAVENT PLAYED IT ITS NEW TO YOU MOTHER*CRAG*ER. BESIDES GIANT BOMB WAS STILL SWIMMING AROUND IN JEFF GERSTMANNS BALLSACK WHEN DEFCON CAME OUT SO IT AINT LIKE I COULDVE NAMED IT BACK THEN EVEN IF I HAD PLAYED IT. POINT IS THIS GAME IS SHEER *CRAG*ING APOCALYPTIC OWNAGE NOT TO MENTION A MASTERPIECE IN MOOD AND HORROR AND WORLDWIDE DESTRUCTION AND IT CAN BE HAD FOR A PITTANCE IN 2012. AND THAT SHITS BETTER THAN NEW. SO FOR ANYBODY LIKE ME WHO FOUND THE COLD WAR TO BE A HUGETIME DISAPPOINTMENT WITH A LOT OF BUILDUP AND NO PAYOFF THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO SEE THE NUCLEAR ARMAGEDDON WE WERE PROMISED INSTEAD OF A LOT OF ANTICLIMACTIC PERESTROIKA HORSESHIT

7. THE WITCHER 2: ASSASSINS OF KINGS

WELL GODDAMN THIS SHIT WOULD BE BEST IN SHOW AT THE FLAGRANT BUSH AWARDS BUT I NEVER GOT AROUND TO FINISHING IT SO ITS ONLY NUMBER SEVEN HERE. BUT MAN I GOTTA SAY WHEN THIS GAME CAME OUT FLASHING MORE BEAVER THAN A 1982 HUSTLER I FIGURED THOSE *CRAG*ING MUMMIES AT THE NEWS NETWORKS WOULD BE FANNING THEMSELVES FOR WEEKS AND WHIPPING ALL THE OLD *CRAG*S UP INTO A *CRAG*ING RAGE. BUT NOBODY REALLY CARED AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF DAMN BETWEEN THAT AND THE SUPREME COURT RULING AGAINST ASSHOLE IN ASSHOLE V. ENTERTAINMENT MERCHANTS ASSOCIATION MAYBE WEVE FINALLY TURNED A *CRAG*ING CORNER AS A CULTURE HERE. THEN SOME MODCUT DIPSHIT SHOT UP A GRADE SCHOOL AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW CNN IS REPORTING THAT STARCRAFT TOLD HIM TO DO IT AND CONGRESSBITCHES ARE TALKING ABOUT VIDEOGAME HEARINGS AGAIN. ONE STEP FORWARD TWO STEPS THE *CRAG* BACK

6. HITMAN: ABSOLUTION

IM SURE THE HITMAN STORYLINE IS FASCINATING AND ALL BUT ILL BE HONEST WITH YOU NO MATTER HOW FAR I GET INTO THE GAME I KEEP GOING BACK TO THAT SECOND LEVEL WHERE OUR MAN 47 WHACKS SOME JUMPED UP PUNK WHO CALLS HIMSELF THE KING OF CHINATOWN DESPITE THE FACT THAT HES JUST A LOWRENT MOTHER*CRAG*ER IN A NINETY DOLLAR SUIT WHO DOESNT EVEN FIGURE INTO THE PLOT IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER. AND LET ME TELL YOU THIS PIECE OF SHIT HAS DIED A THOUSAND DEATHS AT MY HANDS: IVE SHOT HIM IVE BLOWN HIM UP IVE POISONED HIM IVE DUMPED HIS STUPID ASS DOWN A MANHOLE IVE CRUSHED HIM WITH SOME LIKE PALLETS OR SOME *CRAG*ING SHIT HELL I EVEN BLUDGEONED HIM TO DEATH WITH A *CRAG*ING BOTTLE IN FRONT OF AN ARMY OF COPS LIKE DO SOMETHING. BUT MY PERSONAL FAVORITE WAS FOLLOWING HIM INTO AN ALLEY AND FILLETING HIS *CRAG*ING ASS WITH A SUSHI KNIFE BEFORE TOSSING HIM IN A *CRAG*ING DUMPSTER AND SAUNTERING AWAY LIKE I JUST WON SIX BUCKS AT KENO. AND I DID IT ALL DRESSED LIKE A COMPLETE *CRAG*ING ASSHOLE

5. FAR CRY 3

I *CRAG*ED UP A SHARK

4. DISHONORED

AS ANY DUMBASS CAN PLAINLY SEE I FIND THAT GAMES WHERE YOU STALK MOTHER*CRAG*ERS AND MURDER THEM ALL UNAWARES ARE ALWAYS ACES. THIS ONES NO EXCEPTION BUT THERES EVEN MORE SHIT TO RECOMMEND IT INCLUDING AN AWESOME MAGIC SYSTEM AND A FRESH SETTING AND HITGIRL AND CERSEI LANNISTER. AND THAT MASK *CRAG*ING OWNS. BUT WHILE THERES A LOT OF WAYS TO APPROACH THIS GAME AND THE DESIGNERS TRIED TO INCORPORATE A COST TO OWNAGE LETS FACE *CRAG*ING THE FACTS HERE THERES ONLY ONE WAY TO PLAY: HIGH CHAOS LIKE A MOTHER*CRAG*ER. I FIGURE *CRAG* IT THEY STARTED IT

3. XCOM: ENEMY UNKNOWN

THIS IS BASICALLY LIEUTENANT GORMAN THE VIDEOGAME BECAUSE IT WILL LEAVE YOU SHIVERING LIKE A SHELLSHOCKED BITCH WATCHING HALF YOUR *CRAG*ING SQUAD DIE MISERABLE *CRAG*ED UP DEATHS BECAUSE YOU SUCK AT PLANNING SHIT. I NEVER WOULDVE GUESSED THAT TURNBASED GAMEPLAY COULD BE SO INTENSE BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT: IRONMAN MODE IS NO *CRAG*ING JOKE. FOR REAL YOU GOTTA HAVE BALLS LIKE BILLY SQUIER TO PLAY THAT SHIT FOR ANY EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME. BUT NO MATTER HOW YOU PLAY MAKE SURE YOU NAME YOUR SOLDIERS BEFORE MARCHING THEM INTO BULLSHIT ALIEN HELL. LET THEM GET THEIR COCKS KNOCKED IN THE DIRT WITH SOME *CRAG*ING DIGNITY

2. THE WALKING DEAD

EVERYBODYS ALREADY TORQUING THE SNORKEL OVER THIS ONE SO ILL KEEP IT SHORT: TEAM KENNY. CHARACTER OF THE *CRAG*ING YEAR

1. BORDERLANDS 2

GAME OF THE *CRAG*ING YEAR WITHOUT QUESTION. NONSTOP ENTERTAINMENT AND OWNAGE BY THE POUND WITH HUGELY MEMORABLE CHARACTERS BRINGING LAUGHS TO SPARE. I MEAN HOLY SHIT IMAGINE THAT: A VIDEOGAME THATS FUNNIER THAN YOUR AVERAGE *CRAG*ING SALLY FORTH STRIP. AND THATS JUST ICING ON THE CAKE BECAUSE THIS IS A TOTAL *CRAG*ING MASTERPIECE IN ALMOST EVERY REGARD. MORE THAN THAT CHECK OUT CLASS ACT GEARBOX SUPPORTING THIS SHIT WITH THE KILLER DLC AND THE REGULAR FREE BONUS ITEMS AND EVEN THROWING IN A MOVING TRIBUTE TO A FAN. THAT MY MOTHER*CRAG*ERS IS HOW YOU TREAT YOUR CUSTOMERS. BUT ALL THAT RESPECTABLE SHIT ASIDE THE RAW *CRAG*ING FUN FACTOR ON THIS THING IS THROUGH THE ROOF. HELL THERES AN ENTIRE QUEST DEVOTED SOME *CRAG*ING IMBECILE ASKING YOU TO SHOOT HIM IN THE FACE. I WAS LIKE HEY HAVE IT YOUR WAY MOTHER*CRAG*ER. AND THE MULTIPLAYER HERE IS THE BEST COOP YOURE GONNA FIND. FOUR PLAYERS AGAINST THE BNK3R ON WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD IS PRACTICALLY A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE. I SAY WITH EVERY *CRAG*ING CONFIDENCE THAT ONLY BEATOFFS DONT LIKE THIS GAME. AND WHILE IM ANOINTING THIS SHIT IT ID LIKE TO MAKE SPECIAL NOTE TO TINY TINA: AWESOME CHARACTER BENT ON TORTURE AND REVENGE AND BLOWING *CRAG*ERS UP BUT THE REAL STORY THERE IS ASHLY BURCH WHO DOES HER VOICE. YEAH I MEAN THAT CHICA MIGHT BE OLD NEWS TO ALL YOU GAMERCHICK FETISH HAVING CHIPHEAD MOTHER*CRAG*ERS GUNZERKING INTO A KLEENEX EVERY TIME SOME Z-LIST SNIZZ PRETENDS TO LIKE VIDEOGAMES BUT I DONT FOLLOW INTERNET BULLSHIT SO SHE WAS A *CRAG*ING REVELATION OVER HERE. *CRAG* YOUTUBE PUT THAT LITTLE HOTNESS ON REAL TELEVISION. OR MY LAP

DISHONORABLE MENTION: MASS EFFECT 3

THIS GAME SHOULDVE BEEN HOT SHIT IN A GOLDEN BOWL BUT THEY *CRAG*ED IT ALL UP. SO I SAY *CRAG* IT. *CRAG* ITS BULLSHIT NICKELANDDIMEASS TEXT ONLY FETCHQUESTS AND *CRAG* IT FOR COCKTEASING US WITH AN ELCOR WORLD MISSION. *CRAG* THAT PHONYASS MEANINGLESS *CRAG*ING WAR ASSET MECHANIC AND *CRAG* THE DLC THAT I HAVENT SPENT A *CRAG*ING DIME ON LET ALONE A MINUTE OF THIS AWESOME LIFE. MOTHER*CRAG* THE MONEYGRUBBING *CRAG*ING MULTIPLAYER AND *CRAG* THE WAY YOU CANT HOLSTER YOUR *CRAG*ING GUN AND REALLY *CRAG* THAT WACK *CRAG*ING TACKED ON RIPOFF AT FREE BULLSHITASS FOUR SCENE TWO *CRAG*ING GIGABYTE ENDING THAT THEY RELEASED THREE MONTHS AFTER I STOPPED GIVING A *CRAG*ING SHIT. *CRAG* MASS EFFECT 3 FOR *CRAG*ING THE DOG IN THE ELEVENTH HOUR. HELL *CRAG* MASS EFFECT 4 WHATEVER THE *CRAG* THATS GONNA BE. AND *CRAG* THOSE STROKERS CALLING THEMSELVES BIOWARE THESE DAYS. THEY TOOK A MEGAFRANCHISE IN ITS PRIME AND THEY PUT A BULLET IN ITS TEMPLE. UN*CRAG*INGPRECEDENTED. *CRAG* IT AND *CRAG* THEM. THEY BROKE MY *CRAG*ING HEART