Guys, I want to like Super Crate Box on iOS so, so much. I really do. Vlambeer's latest release is a port of the truly wonderful (and completely free) PC, Mac, and Winnitron 1000 game that I've devotedly recommended to friends and readers repeatedly since playing it at last year's GDC.

In short, it's a 2D action platformer in which your goal is to survive a non-stop onslaught of monsters falling from a hole in the ceiling toward you, while collecting boxes with randomized weapons (revolver, shotgun, rocket launcher, etc.). The more boxes you collect, the higher your score. Also, there are fire pits at the bottom of the screen that you can burn to death in, and enemies that fall into the pits will respawn at the top, only faster and meaner than before. It's a wonderful little loop of partially randomized risk/reward and it requires precision at very turn.

There's one major blockade standing in the way of me enjoying the portable version of SCB, unfortunately: virtual buttons. Stupid, awful virtual buttons.