So let’s say – speaking, of course, on entirely hypothetical terms – that there was an Illuminati. And – again, hypothetically – let’s say our own John Walker found himself exchanging super-official, deathly serious secret handshakes among their shadowy ranks. In the event that these things happened and weren’t ludicrously impossible, you might have found them intriguing – perhaps even scintillating. You might have thought “Gee, I’d like to give that a try myself – you know, if it were a real thing that existed. But it’s not, so I won’t. Ever.” And today I’m here to report that nothing has changed, secret societies don’t exist, and you’ll never have the chance to take part in one this weekend.

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