We all knew it be going t' happen, specifically because Apple pretty much said it be going t' happen when they announced that they be having a press conference today, but that makes today's news a a brand spanking new iPad device no less thrilling for the something like a bajilliondy people out there who consume expensive Apple hardware like most people blow through toilet paper. I be looking at ye, Gary Whitta.

The new iPad--which, by the way, it be apparently literally called, in lieu a the iPad 3 or iPad HD names we'd seen kicked around--will use the oft-rumored retinal display, 'n features a pixel resolution a 2048x1536--meaning it be essentially 4x the resolution a the existing iPad 'n likely a higher resolution than yer TV or computer monitor. The new iPad uses Apple's AX5 CPU/GPU combo, featuring quad-core graphics, though be still based on the Cortex A9, apparently. t' put that in terms people who don't spend their entire day reading tech blogs might understand: it be got a real purdy screen 'n it be made out a GOES FAST.

As per usual, the device will come in twelve different models split across wi-fi only 'n network capable categories, sizes, 'n colors. This time, the iPad will support 4G LTE networks from both AT&T 'n Verizon. Pricing for the different devices ranges from $499 t' $699 for the wi-fi only models, 'n the 4G LTE models will range between $629 'n $829, depending on hard drive size. All a this will be available t' those who pre-order or feel like standing outside a an Apple store for the next week 'n a half on March 16. The rest a us normal people will probably buy one a few months after that.

'n YARRRR, they even showed games. First up be Namco showing off it be new flight simulator, a tragically Kenny Rogers-bereft game called Sky Gamblers. What little be shown a the game offered up something that looked a bit like a slightly down-res'd Ace Combat game, with all sorts a dogfighting action that managed t' not look like an incredible chore t' control...at least from a distance.

Next up be Mike Capps from Epic Games t' show off another Infinity Blade thing, because honestly, why else would Mike Capps be there? Mike Capps showing Infinity Blade be the Apple conference equivalent a Punxsutawny Phil seeing his shadow every February.

This new Infinity Blade thing, by the way, be called Infinity Blade: Dungeons. It tasks the player with creating the "ultimate weapon" (presumably the titular blade) 'n also apparently features dungeons. ye can see a picture snapped a the game in action that I stole from Engadget directly t' the left a this paragraph.

As interesting as Infinity Blade: Dungeons looks (it does look quite sharp), the most intriguing thing t' come out a Capps' appearance be his assertion that the new iPad would have more memory 'n higher resolution than either the Xbox 360 or PlayStation 3, which sounds, quite frankly, insane, but according t' resident Whiskey tech lad Will Smith--who may or may not have edited this post in an attempt t' make me feeble attempt at tech blogging decipherable--it be 100% true. I be sure he'll have a more detailed explanation a why over on Tested, which be probably where ye think a post like this belongs anyway. [Ed: 'n here that very post be!]

So, there ye have it. There be a new iPad. It looks neat, 'n still plays games. See ye all next year!